Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

pippitypip_2

I too couldn't bear to read and run, though I haven't a clue how best to help - I'm so sorry.

You should definitely hear him out but I think you need to make it clear how confused and hurt you are too.

If you choose eventually to walk away OR stay - both actions you need to feel sure about - that you're comfortable enough to give it a shot. If you have doubts you won't be putting your all into making it work and isn't fair on you in the longterm. Likewise if you end up choosing to leave - be sure that's what you want to. No regrets and all that jazz.

Masses of hugs and we're all behind you.
pippitypip

wannabedebtfree_2

I don't even know how you must be feeling right now, and there's not much else I can add to the OP's posts.

The one thing I will say is in response to the "No sudden late nights etc" - my uncle was having an affair (we think it might have been going on for years before he was found out) and he was the type of person you would have trusted with anything.

He wasn't working late etc, as he'd been meeting this woman during the day.....

He'd always stay up after my aunt had gone to bed, she went to bed quite early, and when we checked his mobile phone bills he had made dozens of phone calls literally within minutes of her going upstairs.

My aunt knew nothing at all, just one day had a gut feeling something wasn't right, went through his phone and found a pic of this woman.........it all hit the fan then! (it wasn't a rude pic!)

I think having a packed bag at the ready is a good idea, it might just scare him, or suggest that he stays elsewhere while you sort yourself out, he can't think he's got away with it scot free, as it may happen again in the future.

I hope it sorts itself out either way x

ninky_2

Proc wrote: »

Good for you. I celebrate your ignorance.

I'm not sure that I need to spell it out that I can't comment for every single man on earth. But, given the right opportunity, with a bit of hot stuff, but more importantly the reassurance that they won't get found out, an alarmingly high percentage of men will cheat on their wives.

I know people from all walks of life. I know middle-aged business men, I know people who work at the "bottom" of the chain, I know fathers, non-fathers, grandfathers. Stuck-up idiots, chavs, posh people. Rich people, poor people, townies, countryfolk. One thing's for sure, despite their differences, stick them all in a room, in another country, with a load of booze, and a load of scantilly clad women, and more than 50% will nail a woman given the right chance.

thing is he actually seems to be actively chasing the hot stuff - it's not like he's stuck in the room with it in a foreign country and a load of booze.

plus she is not his wife. he hasn't even made that commitment to her despite her seeming to want it.

jamespir

Proc wrote: »

Good for you. I celebrate your ignorance.

I'm not sure that I need to spell it out that I can't comment for every single man on earth. But, given the right opportunity, with a bit of hot stuff, but more importantly the reassurance that they won't get found out, an alarmingly high percentage of men will cheat on their wives.

I know people from all walks of life. I know middle-aged business men, I know people who work at the "bottom" of the chain, I know fathers, non-fathers, grandfathers. Stuck-up idiots, chavs, posh people. Rich people, poor people, townies, countryfolk. One thing's for sure, despite their differences, stick them all in a room, in another country, with a load of booze, and a load of scantilly clad women, and more than 50% will nail a woman given the right chance.

im sure that goes the same with women
if they were scantily clad men

Proc

ninky wrote: »

thing is he actually seems to be actively chasing the hot stuff - it's not like he's stuck in the room with it in a foreign country and a load of booze.

plus she is not his wife. he hasn't even made that commitment to her despite her seeming to want it.

Yeh. I went off on a tangent. My point was more "yeh he may be getting sexual pleasures elsewhere but he probably does love you and just wanted to make the third person feel at ease". I guess I beat about the bush too much.

He needs a good shoeing to start showing some commitment. 12 years and no moving forward is beyond a joke.

wannabedebtfree_2

Just read your last message, you must have posted while I was typing the above....

I agree that the most hurtful thing here is the fact that he says he has never loved you...

I had this on the bottom of my message but deleted it as I felt it was a little too harsh, after reading your last post I am now going to say it;

I personally could never trust him again, even if he hasn't slept with her in my eyes he has betrayed you massively. To say "I've never loved her" is more hurtful than him having a drunken one night stand, as its taken everything you've believed and held out for and stomped all over it.

There's 'my gf doesn't understand me' and 'we've fallen out of love' but its totally different to say 'I'm not sure I ever loved her'......that would break my heart and I could never go back.

Good luck x

reallydontknowwhattodo

wannabedebtfree wrote: »

I don't even know how you must be feeling right now, and there's not much else I can add to the OP's posts.

The one thing I will say is in response to the "No sudden late nights etc" - my uncle was having an affair (we think it might have been going on for years before he was found out) and he was the type of person you would have trusted with anything.

He wasn't working late etc, as he'd been meeting this woman during the day.....

He'd always stay up after my aunt had gone to bed, she went to bed quite early, and when we checked his mobile phone bills he had made dozens of phone calls literally within minutes of her going upstairs.

My aunt knew nothing at all, just one day had a gut feeling something wasn't right, went through his phone and found a pic of this woman.........it all hit the fan then! (it wasn't a rude pic!)

I think having a packed bag at the ready is a good idea, it might just scare him, or suggest that he stays elsewhere while you sort yourself out, he can't think he's got away with it scot free, as it may happen again in the future.

I hope it sorts itself out either way x

thank you for the ideas, but we live in a very small flat, so am pretty sure hes not on the phone when im around, and we always go to bed at same time too. Am also pretty sure he is at work when hes meant to be, as i have never called him there and him not been around. Hope your aunt was ok by the way?

ninky_2

Proc wrote: »

Yeh. I went off on a tangent. My point was more "yeh he may be getting sexual pleasures elsewhere but he probably does love you and just wanted to make the third person feel at ease". I guess I beat about the bush too much.

He needs a good shoeing to start showing some commitment. 12 years and no moving forward is beyond a joke.

he needs dumping imho. there are plenty of men out there who aren't commitment phobic or likely to start sobbing when they get caught out sending dodgy emails. what a loser.

wannabedebtfree_2

Yeah my aunt was fine in the end.......it was just a massive shock!

She actually felt relief it was over, as although she loved him deeply she is actually gay.....which is probably why their sex life waned and he went looking elsewhere!

The point I was trying to make is it's not always obvious that something is going on, when someone wants to hide something they get very good at it!

reallydontknowwhattodo

wannabedebtfree wrote: »

Just read your last message, you must have posted while I was typing the above....

I agree that the most hurtful thing here is the fact that he says he has never loved you...

I had this on the bottom of my message but deleted it as I felt it was a little too harsh, after reading your last post I am now going to say it;

I personally could never trust him again, even if he hasn't slept with her in my eyes he has betrayed you massively. To say "I've never loved her" is more hurtful than him having a drunken one night stand, as its taken everything you've believed and held out for and stomped all over it.

There's 'my gf doesn't understand me' and 'we've fallen out of love' but its totally different to say 'I'm not sure I ever loved her'......that would break my heart and I could never go back.

Good luck x

we keep crossing messages!

i feel exactly the same as that at the moment. A drunken one night stand is the kind of thing that can mean nothing (for both men and women) but to say hes never loved me is something different altogether. I know it could be all talk, but why say that at all. But then why is he now so adamant that he didnt mean it?

Just had a text from him saying "i was stupid and didnt realide how much i loved you, until i now face losing you" was only yesterday hed emailed the girl saying he didnt love me-confused me . . . . very :mad: