Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

C_Mababejive

I wouldnt advocate the actions in post no 2.

This needs to be sorted and now,conveniently,is the time to sort it.

If you dont handle this opportunity correctly now then you will lose out big time.

In your post you talk about commitment ,marriage and children. I'm assuming these are all things you want but your OH has not really expressed any views or hasnt delivered.

You need to think about what you want and then you need to decide whether this relationship is likely to provide it.

He's either in or hes out..sort it now.

You might then like to ask him to explain how he has come to form this on line friendship with this other girl.

notakid

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

he is very relucant to show me any real commitment-no marriage, kids etc (we are in our early 30's)


Am i over-reacting (am pretty sure im not) and anyone got any advise please??

I would agree with the other posters to work on the relationship if it wasn't for this statememt.

That worries me, I'm in my middle 40's and have had friends who have stuck with relationships hoping they can better and their partner will change. But they never do.

One of my friends bit the bullet and left she has know met a really nice man and is getting married in Dec.

Are you happy? Do you think he is telling the truth or panicking because his housekeeper might leave?

Errata

Poor you. What you read was his version of "My wife doesn't understand me". If the woman he was in contact with is known to him, insist he invites her round for a drink so you can explain you completely understand him, and only too well.
If it's some anon online woman, confiscate his PC until he can demonstrate to you he can be trusted with it.
He won't like any of the above, but he really does need to do something concrete to demonstrate how sorry he is. Just saying sorry isn't really enough.
Don't forget that many blokes can do the most stupid of things at times, and also remember that what someone says is one thing, what they do is another.

reallydontknowwhattodo

Thank you SO much for all your very kind replies so far

have no idea who the girl in question is, i read through EVERY email between them (which id never normally do) and there was no indication of anything in anyway that suggested that an affair or anything has been going on. Suspect its someone from work, but dont know that for sure. So personally i dont think (though am very aware cant be certain) that they are just friends. But i will be raising this point later on.

Didnt say half of what i wanted to earlier as wasnt expecting to see him until 6pm and also was not expecting to find him crying his eyes out (he is a man that rarely crys) and that all threw my argument abit.

He does seem completely terified that im now going to leave him and made me promise that i would still be here when he returned tonight. Which has confused me all the more, as if he had just said "yes its true i dont love you" then at least i would have known where i stood.

He knows my feelings on weddings and babies, but has always said that we will think about that next year etc etc.

Errata

If it's a woman he works with, I personally couldn't count on the fingers of both hands the number of blokes I've worked with that have come up with the 'my wife doesn't understand me' line' Blokes who have a perfectly satisfactory marriage which continues for many years. Dunno what gets into them sometimes.

neneromanova

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

Didnt say half of what i wanted to earlier as wasnt expecting to see him until 6pm and also was not expecting to find him crying his eyes out (he is a man that rarely crys) and that all threw my argument abit.

After reading this bit I would pack a bag and have it in the hall way so he can see it when he comes in from work. This will show him you mean business even if you don't follow through with it after the chat. He's probably thinking "yeah ok, she's found out, but she'll stay with me. Look how many years we have together". The last thing he will expect is a packed bag. I feel so sorry for you I really do. I would ask him straight away who is this other woman and where did he meet her. I wouldn't bother about asking to see his phone as he'll have most likely deleted all the evidence from it.

reallydontknowwhattodo

notakid wrote: »

I would agree with the other posters to work on the relationship if it wasn't for this statememt.

That worries me, I'm in my middle 40's and have had friends who have stuck with relationships hoping they can better and their partner will change. But they never do.

One of my friends bit the bullet and left she has know met a really nice man and is getting married in Dec.

Are you happy? Do you think he is telling the truth or panicking because his housekeeper might leave?

Know exactly what you are saying and thought the same myself, that maybe he doesnt want his 'housekeeper' to leave and also he may be feeling scared to be on his own etc. I dont know if i think hes telling the truth or not, as i believed him on sunday when my valentines day card told me how much he loved me and how i complete his life! So now i dont know what to believe and what not to.

I was happy, ok the lack of commitment annoyed me a little, but overall yes i was happy and up until this morning thought he was too.

Lilacblue

Oh dear, you poor old thing. Hope you've made yourself a cuppa and are able to think a bit straighter now.

Really, you so need to know who this woman is. Something very similar happened to me, and I actually phoned the girl concerned (and she WAS just a young girl compared to my 40 year old partner). Surprisingly, she told me everything, and it was very very painful to hear. We split up and I never wavered in my conviction that I didnt want him back. Their affair had been going on for several months, and even though the texts I found weren't sexual either, I eventually found out all about the whole sorry thing. When he was confronted he denied it all, then cried and felt very sorry for himself because he was worried what I'd do (he still does feel like the victim, which drives me mad!)

I truly hope that you find this was all a big misunderstanding, and don't assume that your fella is as grotty as mine was - there really are some nice blokes out there, and some that just make silly mistakes. I'm guessing from some of your other comments though (about the lack of commitment/kids etc) that maybe you are already aware of other problems. Just don't let him wriggle out of anything.

I'll check back and see how you are getting on. You will get lots of super support here so keep on posting. Big hugs to you x.

Pee

If you still want to marry him, after he has done some talking tonight, then it sounds like that should be the next step.

Think about what you want and listen to what he has to say and you can then decide what to do from there.

It's an awful thing to read, but his reaction seems to suggest that he didn't mean it. I am sure there are things you might have said to a friend about him that he wouldn't have liked to hear, a small annoyance or boredom at some stage in your relationship.

jamespir

sorry but thats go to b the biggest load of bull ever you dont stay with somone for 12 years if you dont love them

thanks for the laugh though