Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

Lilacblue

Mupette's right...all the information that I got was what I dug up myself. My partner didn't volunteer anything himself, but I went through his mobile, his email, and asked people things. Because the girl concerned was only 20 she used facebook, myspace etc and, like so many youngsters, broadcast the minutiae of her activities for the world to see. So I found postings from her regarding him, even 'couple' photo's of the two of them.

I hated being so sneaky, but at the end of the day I just had to know the truth rather than the sanitised version I got from him.

Incidentally OP, it's a bit odd he reacted so strongly to being 'found out'. Unfortunately (speaking with my suspicious sneaky-woman head on) if this was some innocent 'friendship' that was easily explained away, why react as if his world's ended?

Chin up, girl. Hopefully you'll get some answers tonight x

Proc

From a man's point of view I would say this;

Men often think with their d*cks. A man will happily have a sexual relationship with a girl without getting emotionally involved. I can sleep with a girl and as far as I'm concerned it was no different to having a pretty good w*nk. Men sometimes do stupid things, and don't think of the consequences.

I mean jesus, I've gone on stag parties, holidays, nights out, work functions with middle-aged married men. One thing is for sure; knowing what I know, if I was a woman, there is absolutely no way my partner would ever go abroad for a stag do. Would not happen. Some friends and I went to Amsterdam about a year ago. Most of them are in their 30s. Married. Kids. House. Job. etc. I don't think there's anyone that was starved of sex in some way or another over the course of that week.

They still all go home and adore their wives. I guess it's a man thing.



It sounds like he wanted to get into this other girls knickers. There's no other reason he would say the things he said. I reckon he's met this girl out of work, or even in work time, and maybe he felt attracted to her.

This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's obviously thought with his di*k, and now he's nearly been caught, he's devestated. Realised what a fool he's been, how he does love you and probably couldn't live without you.

Give him another chance, but make him sweat a little. Pack your bags, go to a friend's house for the week, make him prove that he loves you before going back.

Lotus-eater

Some people just don't realise what they've got until they lose it, the saying is very true.

I think you say to him, either we commit or we go our own way.

He's bored, although you not what want to hear that, sorry, but I bet it's true. You need to know everything, honestly you have him on the backfoot, he admits everything or it's over,

Lilacblue

One last thing (I'm supposed to be working!)...

Don't assume that, even if he has been messing around at some level, that he doesn't love you. My ex told me, and maintains even now, that he loved me but was still able to do what he did. I genuinely think that some men just have a different view of love and sex and the two aren't always related.

I really hope you can sort it out and feel happier soon x

Lilacblue

Proc has just posted up what I was trying to say.

I must say though, that all sounds really seedy

Even if men thinks with their willies, it doesn't mean they have to give in to the temptation. The key factor seems often to be the likelihood of getting caught that tips the balance :(:(

Any

Proc wrote: »

From a man's point of view I would say this;

Men often think with their d*cks. A man will happily have a sexual relationship with a girl without getting emotionally involved. I can sleep with a girl and as far as I'm concerned it was no different to having a pretty good w*nk. Men sometimes do stupid things, and don't think of the consequences.

I mean jesus, I've gone on stag parties, holidays, nights out, work functions with middle-aged married men. One thing is for sure; knowing what I know, if I was a woman, there is absolutely no way my partner would ever go abroad for a stag do. Would not happen. Some friends and I went to Amsterdam about a year ago. Most of them are in their 30s. Married. Kids. House. Job. etc. I don't think there's anyone that was starved of sex in some way or another over the course of that week.

They still all go home and adore their wives. I guess it's a man thing.



It sounds like he wanted to get into this other girls knickers. There's no other reason he would say the things he said. I reckon he's met this girl out of work, or even in work time, and maybe he felt attracted to her.

This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's obviously thought with his di*k, and now he's nearly been caught, he's devestated. Realised what a fool he's been, how he does love you and probably couldn't live without you.

Give him another chance, but make him sweat a little. Pack your bags, go to a friend's house for the week, make him prove that he loves you before going back.

I can see everything that you said (though that doesn't mean my husband would survive me finding out). It's not just "men" - some men couldn't do any of what you said and some women can do it too.

But the thing that is worrying me about the OP's post is the part where he is never answering question about marriage and kids.

After 12 years.

jamespir

Proc wrote: »

From a man's point of view I would say this;

Men often think with their d*cks. A man will happily have a sexual relationship with a girl without getting emotionally involved. I can sleep with a girl and as far as I'm concerned it was no different to having a pretty good w*nk. Men sometimes do stupid things, and don't think of the consequences.

I mean jesus, I've gone on stag parties, holidays, nights out, work functions with middle-aged married men. One thing is for sure; knowing what I know, if I was a woman, there is absolutely no way my partner would ever go abroad for a stag do. Would not happen. Some friends and I went to Amsterdam about a year ago. Most of them are in their 30s. Married. Kids. House. Job. etc. I don't think there's anyone that was starved of sex in some way or another over the course of that week.

They still all go home and adore their wives. I guess it's a man thing.



It sounds like he wanted to get into this other girls knickers. There's no other reason he would say the things he said. I reckon he's met this girl out of work, or even in work time, and maybe he felt attracted to her.

This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He's obviously thought with his di*k, and now he's nearly been caught, he's devestated. Realised what a fool he's been, how he does love you and probably couldn't live without you.

Give him another chance, but make him sweat a little. Pack your bags, go to a friend's house for the week, make him prove that he loves you before going back.

funny i never think with my !!!!!! ive never cheated and probably never will i trust my girlfreind she trusts me

reallydontknowwhattodo

Lilacblue - think he reacted as though his world had ended more due to the content of the messages (fact he'd never loved me etc) then the fact i had seen he was talking to another girl.

Proc - i agree that men do certainly think with that part of their bodies more then there brains. And if it had been talk of a sexual nature then i would have understood that more to a point (men being men and all that) not that im saying that wouldve been ok though! But why tell someone that he had never been in love with me (even that he didnt love me anymore wouldve been bit more understandable if he was trying to get into her bed) but never loved me at all - thats what i dont understand.

ninky_2

what a complete aRS£. imho you should call time on this relationship. not only has he betrayed you he also hasn't really made you happy by giving you what you want for 12 years (marriage, commitment etc). the fact he is crying his eyes out now just makes him seem even more pathetic i'm afraid.

i'd walk out with dignity and find someone with a spine.

Proc

jamespir wrote: »

funny i never think with my !!!!!! ive never cheated and probably never will i trust my girlfreind she trusts me

Good for you. I celebrate your ignorance.

I'm not sure that I need to spell it out that I can't comment for every single man on earth. But, given the right opportunity, with a bit of hot stuff, but more importantly the reassurance that they won't get found out, an alarmingly high percentage of men will cheat on their wives.

I know people from all walks of life. I know middle-aged business men, I know people who work at the "bottom" of the chain, I know fathers, non-fathers, grandfathers. Stuck-up idiots, chavs, posh people. Rich people, poor people, townies, countryfolk. One thing's for sure, despite their differences, stick them all in a room, in another country, with a load of booze, and a load of scantilly clad women, and more than 50% will nail a woman given the right chance.