Just found out my 12 year relationship been a lie

pippitypip_2

OP, as hard as all this advice must be to hear, I really hope you come back and let us know how you're getting on.

I imagine last night was a toughy. :grouphug:

pippitypip

reallydontknowwhattodo

Thank you for all your kind and honest replies.

Well after hours of talking i am still not sure what to do or what to believe. Think im still in shock to be honest.

Basicially hes saying that he does love me, but was beginning to think he no longer loved me in the right way, but that as soon as he thought he may now lose me because of what i had read he realised exactly how much he did love me and thats why we had all the tears etc.

Dont know what to think, i actually gave him the chance to end it there and then if thats what he wanted, as i would rather know. But he said thats the last thing he wanted and realised now that he wanted to grow old with me. Just dont know, i want to believe him, but at same time im not going to be a mug and just pretend it hasnt happened etc.

How do i know its not all just a load of [EMAIL="!!!!"]!!!![/EMAIL], went and stayed elsewhere last night as i needed some space, so hes more than aware of how serious this is.

But as many of you have said, i dont want him staying with me as its easier and more convienant, i want him to stay with me because thats what he really wants, i rather be on my own then in a relationship like that.

How am i ever going to know which is the truth, ive heard both in the same day!

Errata

How am i ever going to know which is the truth, ive heard both in the same day!

Tell him you don't know which version to believe and what concrete proof is he going to provide as evidence of which is the true version ? Talk's cheap, deed's take effort.

reallydontknowwhattodo

Errata wrote: »

Tell him you don't know which version to believe and what concrete proof is he going to provide as evidence of which is the true version ? Talk's cheap, deed's take effort.

trouble is what concrete proof could he provide in a situation like this?

Any

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

trouble is what concrete proof could he provide in a situation like this?

Engagement ring???

Lotus-eater

Have you found out about this other woman yet?

reallydontknowwhattodo

but would an engagement ring even REALLY proof anything at moment, or just that he was doing it in a panic as hes scared etc

pippitypip_2

Any wrote: »

Engagement ring???

I know I may get shot down, but I don't think this situation is going to make the best start to a marriage, is it?

I mean, OP's lost all trust in him and doesn't know if what's he's know saying is the truth or not.

I think there's a lot to work through first before either of you should be thinking of that step.

However I suppose if he was willing to view that as the natural next step you'd either be furious at his lack of understanding - given the current trust issues, OR be thrilled he's taking it seriously and willing to understand a big gesture is needed to show you how he truly feels.

I'm afraid I'd be in the former camp..

OP - not surprised you're confused - don't be too hard on yourself - it's gonna take some time before you know what you want I'd expect. Hoep you have some good friends with comfy shoulders (and spare beds!), but we're all here too.

pippityip

Errata

reallydontknowwhattodo wrote: »

trouble is what concrete proof could he provide in a situation like this?

That's his problem, and he'll have to put some effort into it. In your shoes, I'd expect him to move out for 6 months, continue to pay his share of the bills, and meet up to review the situation then. Six months will concentrate his mind and give him the opportunity to decide what he feels and what he wants. It will also give you some breathing space and time for reflection.
People often say they would do anything to save their relationship, but they usually mean anything but with a lot of reservations.

Lotus-eater

I'm not sure about an engagement ring, I mean if you don't trust him now, what do you want to get engaged for?
He has to get the trust back. I think it's up to him how he does it, but if you aren't convinced, then you have to decide what to do.