Deep breath -

Errata

Jojo - you've shown more patience and understanding than I would have, and probably more than your DD deserves. However...........she's very happy to tell you what she doesn't want in a very global negativity way. Any chance of her telling you what she does want ? Apart from being a doormat and on-tap shag for her boyfriend ?

SmlSave

Jut popping on to give you a ((HUG)) Jojo

essexgirly

euronorris wrote: »

He's 23....and she's only 15??

Have you tried reporting him?

Oh yes I have, but because she wont say anything against him nobody is prepared to do a thing. Trust me I have tried

swiss69

Most teenagers in general are a pain in the !!!! 60% of the time (The other 40% of the time they are asleep;)). They dont do what you want them to, they think they know best all the time, they think everything is handed on a plate (Which most of the time it is), They are lazy, They dont help around the house, They cant cook, They drink too young, they have sex too young, they fight, they smoke, They think they know what love is and girls especially believe every word a lad tells them and never stop believing in this happy ever after nonsense.......

However, you are her mum, you love her unconditionally and it pains you to see things going like this and watch her seemingly punishing you for actually doing nothing wrong!

There may be some unresolved issues that she has where she is blaming you and her dad. Did you split with the ex a while ago or is it something that has happened recently? Does she still see her dad on a regular basis and is not pushed out by her half siblings? How does she get on with your partner? Does he take much of your time?

At the moment I think you have no option than to give her some slack. When is she 18? If she wants to leave and move in with him then let her but make it clear it wont be you funding her.

It will end in tears for her and she will come running back at some point and no doubt your arms will be there to comfort her.

JBD

Jojo, well done, I think you are doing a fantastic job in handling this very difficult situation. And also well done to your ex. I am in this situation myself, it is so important that you are united in this. Even though your daughter may not feel able to say this at the moment I am sure she does appreciate that you and her Dad are pulling together on this. Also please carry on making an effort, even although it may feel as if she doesn't care, or even hates you at times, deep down inside it is making an impression on her. sooner or later it will get through to her. If she really is in an abusive relationship you can't physically pull her out of it, just let her know that you and her Dad are there for her no matter what.
It is a good sign that your daughter has at least tried counselling. It does show that she may be aware that she has a problem. Sometimes people need many attempts to sort out their own problems.
Sorry Jojo, wish I could give you more practical advice. I do feel that you and your family can resolve this but it is going to take a lot of time and patience.

bestpud

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

She didn't want to do day release at school to do an apprenticeship. Not beauty therapy, not animal care, not child care, not building, nothing.

I have gently explained to her that I am worried that her future will be affected by not going to college, asking if there was something she would rather be doing, like an apprenticeship. I have also asked after her old friends, to be told that they all hate her because of going out with her BF. I have said that I am concerned because some abusive people start with little comments and messages, but work their way up to full blown control, and if she felt like this ever, she could come to me for help.

If I had been a mad control nut suffocating parent with draconian rules and regulations and punishments, etc, I would understand that I had brought all this on my head. If I had spent my days in a spliff induced daze, I would understand. If I had never been there because I was working stupid hours, I would understand. If she had any memory of me and her father splitting up other than that of always going to his on every second Wednesday and every other weekend with half the holidays - it was like that from 1 year old - I would understand.

I know it is normal for teenagers to want to cut loose. I'd be worried if a teenager wasn't at least thinking about how they would achieve leaving home. But surely most do it by going to Uni or getting a job?

I think that I am going to have to sit and wait, keeping my fingers crossed that she decides this isn't what she really wants after all, that she wants a proper future and to function as a whole person, not part of a symbiotic unit. And if she ever comes to me for help, she will get the love that is always there for her.

But it hurts. Which is all I wanted to say as it wouldn't be right to whine about it to her. And she wouldn't care anyway. But I needed to tell someone.

I know exactly what you mean! My son went off the rails a bit at 16 and I've never known worry like it.

It's not always about the way they are brought up - sometimes it just happens and I'm not sure we can do anything but sit it out, as you say.

If it's any consolation, my son settled down, did very well with his GCSEs and is now working for the company he did his apprenticeship with. He is also doing a day realease college course to try and work his way up the ladder. He works hard, is a lovely guy, and I'm proud of him, despite his blip.

Then last year dd finally realised she was on the wrong college course so I had a couple of very worrying months with her, but she too is getting herself sorted now and I'm proud of the way she is trying to turn a bad FE start around.

I think if they've had good values instilled in them early on they pull through eventually. It's more the ones who don't have that firm base who go off the rails completely imo.

One thing I learnt from the problems with my son though is the need to keep talking to them, no matter what. Unfortunately I let the communication drop with him and I regret it now as it takes an awful lot to build it back up again.

I would stress that to any parent now - just keep talking to them, even when you feel like pulling your hair out!

I don't know if that helps or not really but you're not alone at least!

I still think you would benefit from a chat with Women's Aid as it will help to keep one step ahead of their relationship, just in case.

Takoda

Lots of people have trouble with their teenagers.

January20

I won't adress any of the other problems as you've had so many opinions and so much advice, but I want to say I understand how much it hurts! The last thing you expect is for your child to hurt you so much. You feel you have done everything for them, you would give your life for them and then, they hit teenage years and do that to you. I'm so sorry for you Jojo and there is nothing I or anybody can say to lessen the pain.

I hope she comes to her senses soon.

thatgirlsam

she will be hurting too jojo .. sometimes it just doesn't seem that way

could you maybe suggest something the 2 of you could do together ?

like a spa day or something ... pamper her , maybe she will open up to you ?

i know someone will come along and say she doesn't deserve it .. she most likely doesn't but i think her mum needs to get close to her , be someone she can trust

her BF sounds horrid , i wouldn't make too much of a big deal about him , i remember my mum screaming at me that my relationship wouldn't last ..

sometimes i wonder if i stayed 7 years with him just to prove her wrong !

tandraig

Jojo - I apologise for calling your daughter a cow - the more i have read on this thread has made me realise I should call her a victim.
your daughter has been brainwashed by this evil barstardd as effectively as if she had joined a cult - only she is the only member!
she needs de-programming hun - now!
It worried me when you talked about how little she eats and how many clothes she wears - do you know what she wieghs?
her former friends shun her now because of him - have you asked them what it is about him they dont like? because I have friends whose OHs i dont like - but i dont shun them!
knowledge is power Jojo, calm down and start thinking hun!