Deep breath -

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Have had an interesting weekend. DD1 (17) didn't come in until 11.50pm Thursday night. I was not happy, but didn't think screaming at her would help. So at 6.55am when she popped her head around the door to go to college early as completing coursework, I said very calmly 'that wasn't right last night. You know that I say 'not on a college night' ' Got the usual 'I'm sorry' (have heard that so often recently, it's become the new 'whateva'). Then the boyfriend was on the phone telling her to hurry up.

Bloke took the car to be scrapped (bit emotional, because it was his father's first and he had an everyday link to Pops by driving it), but caught buses and was doing fine, until got into the local shops.

To see DD1 and her BF stroll out of ALDI 10 minutes before her next class is due to start - at a college 90 minutes away. :mad:

They spotted Bloke (but not me) and scuttled away like bugs under the fridge, thinking he couldn't have seen him.

So I phoned her on the mobile. She didn't answer so I left a message saying 'I hope you think this is funny because I don't'

She didn't come home at all Friday night. No answer from her phone. No answer the following morning either. Debated calling the police but I was 100% certain where she was - it isn't as if she has any friends now.

At 9.30am I phoned her father. He tried phoning and she wouldn't pick up. He sent a text saying that she had ten minutes before he drove himself and his two youngest to the BF's parents' house. He got a text back saying they weren't there, they were out shopping. I asked him to take over, as I couldn't do anything when she wouldn't even pick up the phone.

He called at 8 to say that she had turned up absolutely hysterical, insisting that I was going to beat her up, blah blah blah, so could he have her stay overnight to calm down. I said I wasn't happy about it but yes, I trusted him to speak to her and find out why she hasn't been at college. Which apparently he didn't know about, despite her claiming that he had spoken with her tutor.

Sunday came.

He called. Because I don't throw DD2 out of her bed so they can spend every night together alone, I expect her to eat food, to go to sleep by midnight, to speak to me whilst not being similtaneously connected to the symbiote via Skype, that I won't feed the BF/symbiote every evening, knowing that he then goes home and eats a full meal, and because I have said that I am not happy with him calling her all night as it wakes DD2 up -

she had decided that she was moving in with the boyfriend and his family (the ^&%&***** said she could apparently:mad::mad::mad:), completely losing the plot and hyperventilating when ex said that she couldn't because she was under 18, saying that she was going to sleep on the streets instead. He 'persuaded' her to stay at his (with my permission) for a week or so to get her head together.

So he brought her back to collect some clean clothes and she proceeded to remove everything of value.

It doesn't look like a couple of weeks to me - he looked horrified to see what was coming out in bin bags too.

So he has said he will personally drive her to college every day,
the phones will be removed from her at 9pm every night,
the wireless network is off at 8,
the BF is only allowed round once a week
and not in her room and
if the BF so much as looks at him funny, he is banned from the house permanently.
She also doesn't get money from him at all and has to do her own washing.


DD2 was sobbing.

I feel terrible.

I think this may not be forever - ex has already said that if she thinks for one minute she's gone running to Daddy because he's going to let her out all day and night and have the BF sleep in her room, she has another think coming.

Upon investigation, it turns out that she was given a final warning by college to stop messing them around last week, with the logical response being to not turn up again ?????,
I have told her Dad stuff that proves she has been lying to him, the college has realised that she has been lying to them (she told them some very nasty things about the Bloke which aren't true),
I have been speaking to her father and he is listening and agreeing with me, her grandparents have realised she's not the little angel they thought as they have found she's lied to them, and

I think this meltdown is due to all her web of tales and lies all swirling round and catching up with her.

But it still hurts.


I refuse to be blackmailed. I didn't even try and ground her, which to me shows that she has deliberately tried to make me 'provoke' her storming out. I'm not going to beg for her to come back either. But if she does want to, the rules are going to be the same. I was prepared for her going to uni next year, not screwing up and storming out like this when she still has to ask her sister (10) how you know baked beans are cooked.

But this hurts.

Errata

Sure it hurts, why wouldn't it ? Teeanagers kick over the traces in all manner of ways and with a bit of luck the short, sharp shock she's receiving whilst staying with her dad will get her back in harness.

tandraig

aww jojo - I dont know what to say! hun - I could sound off all night about what a cow she is being - but she is your daughter and you love her and i understand.
if you want to PM I am here ok?

cloverfan

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, I dont know what to say but I just wanted to wish you well xx

thatgirlsam

17 years olds are very selfish without realising it !

when i was 16 i met a lad of 22 , my mum was dead against it ..

i left home to be with him and we stayed together till i was 23

i would say try not to make this situation all about you and how you feel ..

thats what my mum did and it pushed me further away ..

all i heard from her was how upset SHE was , how bad i made HER feel , how selfish i was , how i was making HER ill

now i don't doubt any of this was true and i do feel bad about it now ..

but if she had just asked what i was feeling and going through i really do think it could have been different

trickytrolleys

this is going to sound harsh and Im not trying to be nasty but you seem to be treating her like a 14 year old not a girl who is practically an adult.

If you and her father insist on being like this you can probably kiss her goodbye for a few years as she will almost definitely buck against you and you will all regret it eventually.

Acknowledge the fact that she is an adult and treat her like one, curfews etc etc will only make her rebel even more - trust me !

trickytrolleys

I posted at the same time as sam but I think we are both coming from the same place, your daughter is not you 'child' anymore, sad but true

hippychick1

You could be talking about me, 12 years ago at 17. I did exactly the same, eventually giving up my A-levels and moving out for a few weeks at a time after every blazing row with my mum.

My heart goes out to you, as it's only once I had my children, and grew up that I realised how stupid I was. One thing I would say, is please try not to go mad at her. The one thing I really really wanted was my mum to just give me a hug and ask me what she could do to help. It still makes me upset even now to think of all the rows we had. I felt as though I couldn't speak to her, as though my A-levels were the most important thing in the world, no matter what I felt, they came first.

I know a lot of people will say that at 17 she is almost a grown adult, but I don't remember feeling like this at all. I'm terrified of my daughter being this age. She's a handful now, at just 2!!!!!

Good luck
x

thatgirlsam

trickytrolleys wrote: »

this is going to sound harsh and Im not trying to be nasty but you seem to be treating her like a 14 year old not a girl who is practically an adult.

If you and her father insist on being like this you can probably kiss her goodbye for a few years as she will almost definitely buck against you and you will all regret it eventually.

Acknowledge the fact that she is an adult and treat her like one, curfews etc etc will only make her rebel even more - trust me !

i agree with this ..

i thought i was grown up at 16 .. looking back on it i wasn't really , but i was capable of living on my own which i did ..

nothing , and i mean NOTHING would have stopped me from being with him at the time .. your first love is so amazing at the time

my mum finally realised when i went that she was fighting a losing battle , sged 16 she could have forced me back home but i think she knew i would have hated her for that ..

so she made me a ward of court so someone had a bit of control on me

Morgan_Ree

Sorry but I have to agree with tricktrolleys

She's 17 but you and her dad seem to be treating her like a 10 year old
Phone taken off her at 9pm??
Internet turned off at 8pm??

I could understand these punishments if she was younger but the fact is she's nearly an adult, not a baby anymore

Errata

The daughter may be nearly an adult but she's behaving like a child and clearly needs to be taught that actions have consequences.