Deep breath -

Morgan_Ree

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

I don't think there's anything wrong with restriction on school nights, especially when you consider that she's slacking at college, which i turn is putting her future in jepordy..

But thats just it
It's not a school night, she doesn't go to school anymore. She attends college out of choice
Surely she doesn't have to be there if she doesn't want to be?

If she manages to gets booted off the course then the only person she'll have to blame is herself
Is it the end of the world?
No
She'll end up either jobless or in a job with no prospects and she'll soon realise what a cockup she's made and have to sort herself out

Sometimes our parents have to let us make mistakes for us to realise what we're doing wrong

elfen

trickytrolley I was given the ultimatum, so I did move out. And in hindsight I can see what I did wrong.

OP's DD has had the same. She's been given an ultimatum, and warnings from college and various lies to various people has resulted in her privileges being taken away - which happens to children. In my view, she is acting like a child, so her having the net and phone taken away (removal of privileges, just on a greater level) has occured. DD's own fault, no one elses.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Well, I appreciate your comments.

Yes, it is the same boy.

I and her father do not find it appropriate for them to be having relations in the same room as the younger sister(s). DD2 doesn't like it either, after all, it is her room too. She has been unable to have a bath and go to bed at a reasonable time for months as the BF has refused to leave the room until it suits him.

I also disagree with the constant text messages and phone calls throughout the night waking up DD2. The ex disagrees with the BF banging on his door at 6am demanding that, if they are going to go to college, they go NOW or not at all.

I object to her not bothering to go to college whilst still expecting me to believe her when she claims she is. She has no job, no social life, no friends, no purpose in life other than to be attached to the BF. She doesn't set foot outside without his supervision. She doesn't go to the toilet without him phoning to find out why she isn't answering her phone.

I definitely object to her making allegations that me or the Bloke are violent when it quite simply isn't true. If it were anyone else, I would be considering this as being slanderous.

The limit of conversation with her is me being pleasant

'hello darling, how was college today?' (not realising at the time she hadn't been there, telling the tutor that Mum's BF was violent to her again last night so she had to protect her little sister)

'fine. Where are my socks? why have you tumbledried them? You know I hate them tumbledried' How could you tumbledry my socks? What kind of mother does that? Now where's BF's food - he's hungry too'

If I receive child benefit and tax credit on the basis of her being a full time student, and I subsequently find out that she has been there the grand total of a day and a half since January 5th, I believe I could be on the receiving end of a benefits investigation.

If she was in any way self supporting, I would feel more encouraging. Why should I buy food for her - and the BF - wash both their clothes (she doesn't wear her own, she generally wears his) - provide money - bend over backwards to accommodate their sex drive at the expense of my DD2 - say that being awake all night is OK when it keeps DD2 awake - and generally grovel?

She has never had a curfew. I trusted her. I thought that, as she didn't want to get a job, she would go to college. I thought that she was adult enough to make the decisions that would affect her life. I never interfered with phone calls, I did not stop the BF going in the girls' room, thinking that they wouldn't do anything inappropriate with DD2 in there doing her homework. I backed the BF up when he had a fight with his father (for which I still think he was in the wrong for hitting the boy). I never laid down rules, but I expected to be spoken to with the same respect I tried to afford her.

I did ask her if when she spoke to me, I could be sure that she was talking to me, not having a simultaneous conversation with the BF, who apparently monitors every moment she is not with him. I asked her to get some sleep as keeping DD2 up past midnight with phone calls is unfair (and tbh, she looks like carp on about 2 hours sleep a night). Didn't realise at the time that BF starts the morning calls at 3.30am. She claims to weigh 10stone but she wears age 9 T Shirts and 5 jumpers because she is cold. BF hates fat girls. She gives him her food at college and is full up after 1 potato and a forkfull of chicken breast.

The ex tells me that she insisted that the BF has never once been allowed in through the front door, the Bloke has threatened to cut his throat (!!!!!!? The Bloke feels guilty about chopping up worms when fishing) and I have apparently said that she may as well kill herself if she fails her A levels.

Luckily, he knows that these are all rubbish. We may not like each other much, but I know him and he knows me (which is why we don't get on anymore). He knows that she is lying, so he is trying to not reward her for doing this, whilst trying to make sure she doesn't make a permanent decision that she may regret. As it's actually his parents' house anyway, and his mother is a very religious lady, they are perfectly within their rights to say they don't want her having the BF over anyway.

Out of interest, his parents did nothing to restrict him as a teenager and he made huge mistakes without someone to give him boundaries. Mine crossed the line frequently, so I legged it at the first opportunity. DD1 was never hit, not neglected, always encouraged, not restricted.

If I were pressed, I would say that she is an addict. But the drug of choice is the BF.

And that's the teenager I have. A painfully thin, ghostlike waif. Who hasn't been found to have said one word of truth in 2 months. Who acts inappropriately around children. Who blackmails people who love her, counting on them giving in. Who was prepared to get people who love her in legal schtick to cover her tracks when she realised that her deceit was about to be discovered.

Or should I say, the teenager I don't have.

floss2

Bitsy_Beans wrote: »

...I got the impression that OP's ex was deliberately making things uncomfortable for his daughter as he didn't want to be seen as a soft touch (running back to daddy etc) and thinking she was going to have free rein whilst under his roof...

I agree, and it's good to see that both parents are "singing from the same hymn sheet" as it were.

Morgan_Ree wrote: »

But thats just it
It's not a school night, she doesn't go to school anymore. She attends college out of choice
Surely she doesn't have to be there if she doesn't want to be?....

She has entered into an agreement with the college and has not kept to it which she has been warned about and has subsequently broken the agreement.

I am of the "behave like an adult & be treated like one etc" school - it worked for me, it worked for my kids who are now both in their twenties. Childish behaviour demands treatment like a child - if she doesn't like it then she should grow up & face the consequences of her actions.

System

The bf sounds like a complete and utter !!!!!! control freak. No wonder you are so worried about her.

floss2

Jojo, maybe living with her father's parents could help her make the break from the BF if his presence is not encouraged? Sounds as though she maybe on the receiving end of mental abuse...but I am no expert.

Indie_Kid

floss2 wrote: »

I am of the "behave like an adult & be treated like one etc" school - it worked for me.

My parents were like this with me. As long as I treated them with respect; they'd do the same. I was allowed to do what I wanted to and go where I wanted to; as long as I told them what I was doing and who with.

As for curfews - what curfew? It was my responsibility to go to bed and get up in the morning. They couldn't do much anyway, as night-workers.

JBD

JoJo, it does seem as if the main problem here is her relationship with her boyfriend. It does seem as if he has got rather an unhealthy hold over her. Unfortunately this will seem very difficult to break. I wonder if there is anyone else you could talk to -one of her old friends, her tutor at college perhaps, someone who could maybe speak to her. I think this is a bigger problem than a teenager simply acting out or rebelling, it seems as if her mental health may be at risk. I do think you [and her father]are right to enforce your own boundaries but at the same time you have to be very careful not to push her further away.

Bitsy_Beans

Her relationship with her BF sounds incredibly toxic. Not sure what you can do about this that won't result in pushing her more towards him (if that is indeed possible).
I also think you've put up with a great deal and I can understand why you feel so hurt.

eklynne

trickytrolleys wrote: »

I'd say she's behaving like a perfectly normal 17 year old, only life will teach her lessons now, parents can only try but she's too old to be grounded etc

I don't agree. There is nothing 'perfectly normal' about her behaviour at all. 17 year old girls should have a sound group of friends, be having fun at college/uni, meeting new people but above all should be acting like adults in order to be treated like adults.
This girl sounds unhappy, and naturally it's getting taken out on mum.
I would recommend writing her a letter while she's at dad's. That way she can't backchat in response and you can say how you feel without getting upset. Just tell her you love her and want what's best for her and hope you can sort out your relationship. Don't accept this is 'normal'. Not all teenagers are like this. When I was 17 I went Inter-railing round Europe going to music festivals with a group of friends, which I'd saved up a whole year for by working in Asda at night whilst doing my Highers. My parents allowed this as I'd proved I was responsible. I've never swore at my parents or walked out and to this day the thought of upsetting my mum makes me well up. Don't just accept this behaviour as 'normal'. She's to all intents and purposes a grown woman and should know what respect is.
I really feel for you, and hope you can sort it out. Mother/daughter relationships are so precious. Good luck.