Deep breath -

BitterAndTwisted

Jojo, your daughter is in a very dangerous situation and I'd be beside myself with fear in your position. She's no friends except the BF. She's lied to and alienated her family members. She's lied to and jeopardised her situation at college. She's flounced off now she's been challenged by you. Her father isn't taking her side and is making things more difficult, not better. All the time the BF is there, controlling and that's who she will be compelled to go off with because everyone else is "against" her. She must be absolutely terrified that all this is about to spiral completely out of control and there might be no way back. Poor you and poor DD1

JBD

I wouldn't neccesarily say the daughter is in a dangerous situation. It may just be that she is in an intense relationship, as teenage relation ships can be. We don't know for definite that the boyfriend is a control freak. He may just have problems of his own. I wonder if it would be possible to arrange some kind of family mediation/counselling or does the college have a councellor of some sort. Personally I think the college should be in contact with the parents if things have reached this stage.

BitterAndTwisted

We don't definitely know that the BF is a control freak? Jojo herself has said that the poor girl can't even go for a pee without her mobile on her or he wants to know why she's not answering. He starts calling at 3.30am What more proof do you want?

bestpud

Seems to me the BF is abusive and I agree your dd needs support, not pushing away.

If he is abusive, you are playing right into his hands by alienating her.

I have no idea what the answer is but you could do worse than call Women's Aid for advice.

Funny how this lad won you over with talk of being beaten regularly at home and now your dd is saying the same about you and your ex...

It looks as though he's turned your dd into a carbon copy of himself and you are now seeing a bit of what his parents have seen over the years.

I think your dd is actually in a very difficult, and possibly dangerous, position. This is not simply a rebellious teen imo and needs different handling. Imo, you need to try and sort this now, while she is still living with your ex - if she moves out, the lines of communication are likely to diminish rapidly.

She's already alienated her friends and she needs her family on her side, even if she doesn't realise it. Do you think she'd go for something like family mediation?

I hope I'm wrong, of course, and she is just being a 'teen', but I don't think you should assume that when there is so much evidence to the contrary.

jakem_2

I think you have done the right thing in the circumstances, even though its killing you, it has to be done, as it seems she is getting well out of hand, and you have to nip it in the bud.
I know she is a teenager, and nearly an adult, but she is still behaving like a child and not to be trusted, so the kid gloves have to come off.

By her staying at her dads with the boundries and rules he has put forward will make living at your house a holiday camp lol.

As to BF, I really think you have to let it run its course, she is luvved up and cant see no wrong in him, and until the rot sets in you can only be there for her when it does go tats up.

essexgirly

I have total empathy with jo jo, I am in exactly the same position, this could have been me writing this. My daughter is 15 though and the bf is 23, I am at my wits end. I have no idea as to what to do. I'm battling with the governers to keep her in school at the moment. I've tried everything and have just come to the conclusion that I have to ride with this part of her life and support her as best I can. I do believe that by making things forbidden fruit they seem more appealling.

Jo jo you have done the best thing by removing her from your house, I wish I could do that and it breaks my heart to say that as she is still my little girl.

Good luck

x

red_devil

i tend to agree and why stress out worrying all the time! Let young people live their lives and make their own mistakes. Lifes not easy for anyone and all the adults do is make theirs worse by worrying about what teens are or are not doing!

It will sort itself out and you'll be friends one day!

mummy_Jay

Your DD is in an unhealthy relationship, that is damaging her future.

Some how you need to talk to her about her future, give her something to look forward to even if its just working really hard so she can get a good job so she can move out with this moron or maybe if she passes you could offer to pay for her first driving lesson (something you know she wants to encouraging her to work at college). The mention of controlled eatting is also slightly worrying, is there a tutor you could speak to about your concerns (both due to the relationship and eatting issue).

Does she have a friend that use to be around a bit before BF? one that might be able to help, even if thats only telling you the truth about BF and whats happened at college between her and her old friends.

I also think as she has a shared room that BF should not be allowed in her room at all. Maybe the way to approach this is to ask her whether her younger sister at 10 should be allowed to watch p*rn, when she looks shocked ask her why she's giving her a live show then. You some how could do with encourage her to spend time with someone other than BF, she has this thin obsession so how about a sport or yoga class to help her sculpt her body but will also get her away from BF for an hour a week and get her mixing with others? Or a saturday job, as if she can't be bothered with college she needs to start paying her way at home a bit?


Right now your p!ssed at her with every right, but it sounds like what she really needs is some support before things spiral any further out of control. See if you can talk calmly with her tell her about what worries you and ask her to help you find a middle ground. The letter mentioned by one of the other posters might be a good starting point but tell her what is worring you and why (your scared that she such a bright girl and has such a wonderful future ahead of her and she's throughing it away just cos she can't waiting a little longer, your scared that she will regret it and that anyone that loves her wants her to achieve all she can and wouldn't want her to be wasting her chances) rather than having a go about the BF directly. If you can write it to her about her and not mention him, it might give you a better opening to start a discussion.

pelirocco

Just remember one day she will have a 17 yr old daughter .... there is justice in this world !

xmaslolly76

My parents didnt like my boyfriend when i was 17 and the more they went on the more i stood by him ended up in an awfull 14yr abusive relationship just to prove them wrong. if they had let it run its course and maybe given a little leway i would more than likely have seen the light within a few months and dumped him then.

Maybe you could both compromise allow the bf over giving him tea and maybe occasionally staying over but on the condition that she sticks to her college course and completes it and is sensible about the times she is out till during the week. At least if they are in your home you know what she is doing instead of her sneaking about behind your back.