Do we have a brat camp type boarding school in the UK?

Paparika

funky-footprints wrote: »

a girl friend ? good grief ? the poor girl ? what would she offer him that his mum hasnt for 17 years ?

i think he is old enough to stand on his own 2 feet for a while, maybe that is what he needs ? ?

A girlfriend, well if he likes her he'll be nice to her... men hormones trouser snake........
It's amazing that some men can be horrible, but nice girl on the scene and they become putty in the girls hands.

shazrobo

dad-of-4 wrote: »

i spent a year and a half (ish) in a state aproved "bad lad boarding school", and i wouldnt wish it on anyone, i hated every minuite of everyday, my problems were prety much confined to a hatred of school genraly (truancy mainly). but i found my self in a school with lads who had suffered a lot of abuse, for many going home for school holidays meant going back to the city you came from to a childrens home, for some, they never even got to go anywhere, being forced in their you just get on with it as best you can, but as an adult looking back it seems a lot clearer the type of lads who were their.

tho i get on well with my mum, but I will never ever forgive her for not fighting to keep me out of it and she knows it.

it shocks me to see someone wish this for their kid, you need shooting woman!!!!

i have twins sons with ADHD and other learning disabilities, and one of my lads is at one of these type of schools, goes monday, back home friday, it has done wonders for his confidence, it has made a massive difference to his education, as the classes are smaller, the staff are trained to deal with violent outburts that occasionally happen and deal with it well. staff show the pupils respect and give them responsibilities, and in return the kids respect the staff, they have a good relationship, bit of banter, they go out most evenings, whether to play football in park, bowling cinema etc, so the lads are always occupied. my son loves school, and cant wait for his bus on a monday morning, and is his choice to go there, not all boarding schools for bad lads are awful. my son has never smoked, taken drugs or drank alcohol, but has a fierce temper, which he has learned to control

Mojisola

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

In conclusion its livable. I await the day when something happens to change him but can not see it as it seems to be in him.

The worst thing he does is wish me dead in detail on a daily basis. like...... I hope the wheels come off your car and you crash an die.

I have given up. Never thought I would, always the first to say I would do this, that or the other but this has worn me into the ground and I pray for the day he leaves home.

Thanks to all that have replied to this thread and have PM'd with support. I am glad to report I have not been shot and take no offense to this as like I said I am used to remarks like that and am above them.

Far from wanting shooting, I think that you have gone the extra mile and more - a saint in the making!

It is so painful to watch someone you love behaving like this, without coping with the nastiness that he throws your way all the time. Without your love and support, heaven knows where he would be now.

As he will be 18 next birthday I think that you have to start cutting the ties and tell him that you expect him to move out and make his own life. Does your council have a supported living scheme for young people with problems? Does your son have a social worker who could help him make the transition?

It might sound awful but you, your OH and your other children really need to have a life without your older son around.

louise3965

Hey there is a time for love and support and there is a time for tough love. Your boy sounds like a spoilt brat. He can behave elsewhere but he has no respect for you and thats something that cannot be tolerated any more. I would tell him straight thats it. No more swearing, no more wishing you dead, no more aggro. Or else he is out. He can still have his job with you and will be treated like all the others, but he doesn't deserve any more chances. But I guess that would be very very difficult to do, and it will only serve a purpose if you can find the strength and courage to do it. Much love to you x

lovinit

girlpower i really feel for you and your other children and send a bit hug to you all.

as difficult as it may be i think you should try and not let him see you upset / react to his nasty comments / threats.
everything he does and says is for a reaction and by seeing you crying he has got what he wants.

try and keep as calm as possible and as nice as you can. i know it will be really difficult but the results may make you smile.
all children are different and i have worked with many over the years and it takes time to get to know what works with each one but one method that does work with some is reverse pshcology!!

i also agreee that if things are still as bad now then think id been offering him the door

i too would be thinking off the effects on your other children

good luck

paulwellerfan

Hi girlpower i just want to offer my support to you.
i know its hard bringing up teenagers- got one of my own.
shes 15 and wishes me dead most of the time.
i agree with so many of the other posters who say that when he's old enough you need to send him out in to the wide world.
i dont think social services will get involved at this stage though. However have you thought about contacting a Foyer organisation. http://www.foyer.net/mpn/
even though hes not homeless at the moment, they will be able to offer help and advice. i used to work in one a few years ago, and saw so many young people come in to them and turn their life around ( they were kicked out of the family home) i think you need to give him a bit of tough love.

paddy's_mum

I too have only just chanced upon this thread. I have read it through in one sitting and I have been in tears through most of it. The person that Girlpower is describing is the absolute image of a close relative of mine - right down to the year upon year of sullen behaviour, the shouting, the petulance, the defiance, the death-to-you wishes - everything.

In the case of my relative, I have no doubt that he was born without a conscience.

He was brought up in the identical ways as his siblings and they are solid citizens. He, on the other hand, has been in and out of prison (although never violent) seems unable to absorb the concept of right and wrong, has spent a lifetime hurting others and considers that what he wants is the only viewpoint that matters. Nothing that anyone has ever tried to do to help him has ever even registered with him.

The damage that he has done to other hearts, minds and souls cannot be calculated. Now, he has no-one as he has systematically destroyed any love that his wife and family held onto for so long, in the face of all reason.

Girlpower - you are almost certainly in for a lifetime of unhappiness and trouble with your son. There will be times that you wish it was possible to divorce a child. I have no quick fix ideas.

What I do want to tell you is that nothing you did or failed to do, or didn't recognise early enough, or should have thought of, would have made one jot of difference if your son is like my relative. Some people are just flawed in how they are put together and no medication or surgical procedure yet invented will alter that person. He will go on punishing you and your husband for as long as you live or until he is in some way removed from your life.

So little that I can say except to express my understanding, my admiration for keeping sane during years of your own effort and unhappiness, and my very best wishes for a more peaceful future.

Uniscots97

Girl Power, he's 17 now and you've done your best as others have said maybe its time to let him stand on his own two feet. Harsh as this may sound, ask him to leave. You have your other two little ones to think about too. From the sounds of things you've bent over backwards for your son, if I remember correctly you said the doctor said there was nothing wrong with him. A few months standing on his own 2 feet he'll soon realise that you can't talk to people like dirt. I'm surprised he hasn't come across it already going out, i.e. if he's talked down to the wrong people and they took physical action.

stressedoutmother

Hi Nikki

Like others, I have only just seen this heart-breaking thread and read it in one go. Like Paddy's Mum, I have so much admiration for you. You have done a remarkable job and should be proud of yourself. It is obviously a flaw in his personality that cannot be changed - you have done everything in your power and I bet listened to many professionals' advice, and nothing works. The fact is, he was born oppositional. I cannot believe you have stuck with him - credit to you - I really hope you have some back up and support because you need it and deserve it. I also hope he has not damaged your relationship with your other children and husband (though I very much doubt that is possible). I am sorry that I don't have any answers however, I would urge you to read "The Defiant Child - A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder". It is written by an american child psychologist called Dr Douglas A Riley - try searching on amazon.com. In America, children are classed as minors until 21 (I think), and he gives you step by step help on dealing with them while they are under your roof. He also takes you through the way these children think because that is the key to their behaviour (basically thay are driven to defeat all adults and their attempts to excercise authority over them, they believe they are equal to adults and fail to learn from experience). It is unbelievably hard to stick with his guidelines and it may be too late BUT IT MAY NOT! You may well feel that you have tried everything he suggests but I truly hope that there is something within the book that will help. I believe th Dr Riley has a website and may even do telephone consultations. Please try giving him a chance. You obviously love your son very much as you have given him a job and a home despite the way he treats you and if you are anything like me will find it impossible to give up on him even though you desperately want to. You probably feel that it would be unfair on anyone but his mother to be subjected to his abuse.

I wish you luck, and lots of love and strength for the future.

Alex xxxxx

stressedoutmother

Please feel free to PM me anytime if you need to discuss this x