Do we have a brat camp type boarding school in the UK?

vegankris

When I read the jacket in school thing the first thing that sprang to mind was that he was maybe suffering from a spontaneous erection in class, as most boys that age do, and that would be why he didn't want to remove it?

I also think it's very possible he might be suffering from a depressive illness of some sort.

TurnaroundSue

Thanks Mutter for the website - will have a look at that.

With regards to Girlpower's son jacket business, I would add that my son was a 'swinger on a chair' type of person (and still is). We went to parents evening last year and one of his teachers said that all she does all lesson is tell him off for swinging on his chair, whilst another had learnt that she got far more work and response from my son once she had learnt to ignore this annoying behaviour. I do feel that in schools these days they spend more time disciplining incidental behaviour rather than ignoring it, which normally just exacerbates the situation in my experience.

I see what people are saying about there are rules and they need to be adhered to, but in my son's case once this was ignored he was far more productive - so maybe they should just ignore the jacket and get on with teaching.

Mutter_2

robin_banks wrote: »

I genuinely cannot believe what I have read on this thread.

You want to stick in the army because he's 'difficult', he's 'horrible' and 'surly'.

You've stated that he doesn't drink, smoke, take drugs etc, and you've not mentioned that he's been in trouble with the police( and since you've divulged everything else about this poor sods life I can only assume he hasn't been) so just what exactly is he guilty of?.

There is something far more deep seated than this, it seems to me that you don't particularly like him.

Perhaps I'm being a bit old fashioned here but try talking to your son and for god sake don't underestimate him.

Yikes Robin, I've donned my tin hat. Is it safe to reply?

I think the Army reference was more about "making a man of him" and facing up to everyday living if you like.
I do think that a spell in the Armed Services can be a good thing, though I would'nt want my son to be used as cannon fodder, as I see the Army (Unless the son has a true wish to join.) Maybe RAF or RN.

I see the OP's problem as more of a father/son issue.
Dad works away all week and when weekend arrives, Mum and young siblings take him over.

I fear it may be too late now as Son is 17/18. Had Dad given son time at age 14, things might have worked out. You know, just you and me time.

It's a long thread, but OP did say that she felt as a young child that all was not right with him.
That's when action should have been taken.




Something else I picked up on. The family are willing to throw a lot of money at resolving this problem, in fact far too much flamboyance in my opinion. I didn't however, see any extra time allowed for one to one time with him.

Too late now he is a grown man.

Parenting is hard. The most difficult and important role in our lives. We don't know though if we are doing it right; until it's too late.

Savvy_Sue

paulwellerfan wrote: »

i dont think social services will get involved at this stage though. However have you thought about contacting a Foyer organisation. http://www.foyer.net/mpn/
even though hes not homeless at the moment, they will be able to offer help and advice. i used to work in one a few years ago, and saw so many young people come in to them and turn their life around ( they were kicked out of the family home) i think you need to give him a bit of tough love.

I was also going to suggest a Foyer, even if you don't have one locally.

One thing which struck me is that you seem to have spent the last few years paying him to do things - army cadets, an attractive package to join the army and stick with it for two years etc. Long term, you might want to think how far you're prepared to take that - buy him a flat and pay all his bills so you can live in peace? Even if he trashes it or drinks all his money away? He's nearly an adult (or was that his 18th birthday?) and should be encouraged towards complete independence.

But there must be SOMETHING there - to let you take him to a football match! In similar circumstances I know mine would rather go by themselves ... We took DS3 to something last night, and at the end we 'lost' him: rather than be seen with us he'd walked straight back to the car on his own. It did nothing for his 'street cred' because we mentioned to one of his friends that we'd 'lost' him, and he told another friend, so there was much giggling ...

mrs_moneyspinner

hi - try googling partnership with parents who can accompany you to meetings with school and point you towards organisations that can help you. I have found them helpful. You could ask the school SENCO to apply for a statement of educational needs (SEN) which addresses either academic or behavioural needs - maybe this would provide the teacher with some 1-1 funding for him so he is not able to disrupt the class and can be steered out of this behaviour pattern and motivated with his school work. He sounds so very unhappy - cadets are good too and the camps and weekends away are very good for boys like this who have attitude problem and no friends. Also a sport like Karate, again self discipline, pride in yourself - you are doing all the right things but it is time to ask for help - start with the school SENCO. good luck. We have had some of the problems a bit like yours but not as bad with the attitude - I know how you can feel at times.

mrs_moneyspinner

p.s. however much he appers to hate you, don't forget he is a child and you are his comforter - never stop telling him how much you love him and want to help him even if he rejects it.

tamlem

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

I don't believe that anyone can help him... but I do know that he is destroying the childhood of a 4 & 5 year old who do not stand a chance whilst hes around.


I understand how difficult things must be for you Girlpower but I have to say that some of your comments, including the one above, hint at why you may be having such problems. This is your son and if you genuinely believe that no one can help him, ie. he has no chance then how do you think he will be feeling? My husband is a clin psych and he works with children and adolescents (particularly in forensic settings) so i have a bit of an insight here.
When things go wrong with kids parents tend to focus on wanting to discipline, how can they punish, what can they take away etc. What they often dont realise is that the discipline and punishment aspect should be the smallest proportion of the parent child relationship and the biggest part which lays the foundations of all else is having a solid relationship with your child. Love, security, attention, doing things together these are the ways we can start rebuilding relationships with kids. Only once some kind of relationship has been re established can you begin to work on ways to establish boundaries and work on more positive patterns of behaviour. Any punitive measures will simply add to the problems until a relationship is rebuilt and sending your son away is certainly not giving him positive messages. Out of interest my husband is not a fan of those brat camp programmes and cringes at some of the things they do with the kids in their care.- Although they do have positive elements and dh is a big fan of behavioural programmes which take kids on short breaks doing outdoor activities, there are some in the uk but these are very different, thank goodness, to the media "brat camp" thing.
My advice to you would be to get some help for both of you. This is a problem which has been created and can only be solved by you both together. and please note THIS IS NOT ABOUT BLAME. I am certainly not saying you haven't been a good parent, but sometimes circumstances and growing kids mean that relationships can start to breakdown and this is a viscious cycle. Its perfectly understandable that you would want your son away from you as he is clearly not very nice to know at the moment but you are his mum, you are still the adult in this situation and you can make things work, with help.

Good luck. You can do it.

Zoetoes

I haven't spotted anything positive said about this young lad in the posts from when he was 14 up to now he's 17, could that be why he's so negative himself?

Mutter_2

tamlem, I would love to read your post, but as a solid block of text; my eyes are turning circles.
Sorry.

tamlem

Mutter,
I apologise for making your eyes turn circles. As an academic by profession I do not struggle to read solid blocks of text- most things I read are in fact solid blocks of text!

I am also new to posting so may not have got the hang of how things work yet.