Do we have a brat camp type boarding school in the UK?

debtfreein4years

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

Hi,

Can I ask when they kicked him out where did he go?

What my Ds does it sleep by the back door or under the trampoline when raining as he really does have no where else to go. i could call the police and they would remove him to the YMCA but I really am not someone who can live with this.

When we went skiing at easter (which we asked him to come and he refused) he had a weeks worth of parties, things went missing, police were called by neighbours and they were all through my house seeing it in a state and calling ambulances for the drunks. (I knew the officers who attended as well having worked there for many years) he did not even bother to clean up the house before we arrived home. He could not care less what we think as he has no respect for us or anyone else in his life.

I again through endless hours on the computer discovered the navy was an option and tried to talk him into it but he refused. mates have told him most are gay and he will not believe any reasoning I give him. Thinks all his mates will think he is gay if he goes in the navy so thats that. I will try again with that one though as its a great option for him.

that sounds pretty identical to my brother. when he got kicked out the first time he was 14 and he stayed with a friend who's parents were happy to have him as mum would not have him in the house when he was doing wacky backy (any drugs in the house no matter who's they are dad could loose his job and pension). he bucked up after a couple of weeks although not before he had to go to hospital when he broke his hand trying to be intimidating to mum.

next time he was 17 and it was for the same kind of behaviour. he no longer does drugs in the house but still smokes when he is with friends. he got very abusive both verbally and physically and mum kicked him out after he went for a knife at her. he stayed there for around 2 months before he was allowed home. (its worth nothing that dad worked away at both these times and was only home once a month)

he is almost 21 and a couple of years ago parents went on their first ever proper holiday abroad without us. he had a house party that turned into something similar to your sons. the house was trashed beyond beleif. around 10K of stuff got pinched - got most of it back, but it was a case of friends of friends of friends turning up and people letting anyone in who rang the bell. i turned up the weekend before parents were due back to give the place a once over and lets just say it wasnt a pleasent experience. i had to call in the cleaners as if mum had seen the place like it was she would have had a fit. that expereince left him with 2 black eyes and a broken nose when he squared up to dad after being read the riot act.

For the past couple of years he has been ok. he knows that he has to go to college or get a job and has chosed the college option and parents pay his way. he has to do jobs round the house to earn money to go out i.e cutting the hedge, making sure the washing is done, power washing the patio, painting the shed etc.

thats the horrible story of my brother, when hes nice he is lovely but when hes a brat hes a nightmare.

the navy there are a couple of options. he wont give a monkeys what his friends think abotu him being gay as he wont have time. he will be to busy going on runs ashore with the guys and girls he is training with to bother with the people he used to hang about with. mainly because he will have money in his pocked and will ideally have gained a lot of confindence and self disipline and they will seem immature to him as the chances are they would hit him up for money and expect him to pay for the drinks.

the other option is the merchant navy. again same kind of senario as the navy but no submarines and no having to commit to a number of years. put it this way what other job can see a 24 year old on a wage of £29K and no tax to pay if you are out of the uk more than 6 months of the year.

either option would suit but i would say that the royal navy is the better option due to the fact that it is pretty much a guarenteed job for life and a decent wage plus somewhere to live if he chooses. social life is pretty decent and they are always organising nights out if they have the chance to go ashore when on ship. i cant say i know any gay sailors although im sure there are some, the majority i know just want to go out and have a good time with their mates (collegues) and see what the local girls are like.

good luck with him and dont be afriad to kick him out as that is what has been needed to sort my brother out.

jenhug

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

Hi,

Yes. I got the book recommended. the Defiant child. A parents guide to oppositional defiant disorder. Great book and I think he has it.

Must be honest and say I only read half which as I am typing seems silly. I will start it again today and try again with it.

Thanks

Nikki

If you don't mind me saying, all the way through the common theme has been you haven't seen anything through to the end. You issue empty threats, you half read the book, you say things and don;t stand by them. Without meaning to sound harsh you need to take some ownership of the reasons he behaves like this. He knows he can get away with it, you WILL NOT do anything about it.

Unless you change, HE WON'T.

I have a daughter with special needs myself, I know how hard it is to stand by something when they are fighting against it. But for everyone;s sakes, you need to change your own behaviour. You have taught him not to respect you.

Good luck, and I would consider some counselling maybe?

carefullycautious

I agree with the above poster. This lad has two parents who should be standing firm together with consistency. He has one parent (mum) who Im amazed has not had some sort of breakdown by now.

This should have all been addressed many years ago by assessment of his needs and family therapy.

There is no way on earth I would be bribing my children to get them to do something.

scottishchick27

I think you should throw him out and let him stand on his own two feet. If he doesn't have anywhere to go then tough, he should've thought about that. Your two younger sons are seeing him behaving like this and you running around after him, what kind of example is this setting them? I would be really surprised if they don't start treating you like he does in a few years time.

mrcow

He's behaving like this because you let him.

Why should he do anything if he gets a free ride at home? If you read your post from yesterday again, all you can see is you......running round after him and wiping his backside for him. At every turn.

He doesn't deserve you.

And he'll never change until you start treating him like an adult who is responsible for his own destiny. If you continue to wrap him up in cotton wool then you're doing him no favours. You say that you don't have the heart to kick him out permanently......but how is he going to learn to stand on his own two feet unless you do?

libbyc3

Girlpower - couldn't read and not give you virtual support. My Ds has had his moments over the years, not on the same level as yours but stressful enough. I completly understand that you haven't reached the stage of being able to actually kick him out. Mine has just turned 18 and literally doesn't have the sense that he was born with!
one thing i wanted to suggest is finding out if there is a supported lodgings scheme in your area. we used to provide this via our housing department. Young people (16-18) who had been made homeless (kicked out by parents) 'rented' a room from us - mostly paid by housing benefit and they had to top up by £6 per week from benefits.
we were basically landlords - with a bit.
I did keep in contact with parents - with the consent of the kids, and as i had no 'authority' over the kids they were nearly always fine here. it also gave the YP space to consider their options.
I know it would still mean kicking him out, but it wouldnt be to a YMCA situation and might give him the kick up the jacksy he needs!

GIRLPOWER_2

debtfreein4years - Thank you for sharing your family situation with me. I take it you were brought up just the same as your brother and you would never have dreamed of behaving like him? I really think it's something in. My DS has from a very early age had a very odd attitude towards family and friends. He sees things like no one else I have ever met.

I really wish your family luck as well that it all comes good for you. xx

As for me doing to much for him I totally agree. My only option is to throw him out via the police as he would not go otherwise. They would transport him to the YMCA. He would be constantly knocking on my door and me turning him away and ringing the police. I would lose him forever. He would never forgive that because he sees everyone else in the wrong and no one could change that.

I used to take incoming and 999 calls for the police and spent many an evening with a mother on the phone saying he's here again can you come and remove him. Awful, awful situation and if that can be got around then anythings worth a try.

My way of giving him nothing but a roof and food is the best I can do. I run around trying to give him some sort of life and career because if I did not he would just be lying in bed all day. Just hoping that one thing he goes to grabs him and shakes him is hope for me. Hes in the community, mixing and seeing other people who are trying to make a go of it.

I agree that I am not perfect and half read books, give in sometimes etc but I am also a mother of 2 other boys, wife, pet owner, business runner, bill payer, holiday organizer and every other task you could imagine. I give him as much time as my body will allow but I also have a life to fit in around him. Being a constant punisher and referee just have to fit in sometimes.

I do take on board whats been said and think tough love can work in many situations. If drugs or weapons were used then I would have to so it. I am just not there yet. I still have hope.

That being said I am going to put all my efforts into getting him to join the navy. Think it would be the making of him and a relief for us.

Thanks for sticking with me for 3 years! :eek:

Nikki xxx

TurnaroundSue

Hi GP, I have replied to your thread previously and my heart goes out to you. You say that you have half read the book but have you tried this 4 week course http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/contents2.html. Not sure if I can post this and if not I apologise and can the powers that be please remove it. I found this very useful and I have posted my own thread when I thought my ds had ODD. I received harsh comments from people who (with all due respect to them) cannot understand what it is like unless you have gone through it yourself. One of the things I learnt from this course was that you have to be consistent. You also have to change the way you behave/react to your child's behaviour. Alot of the things it said related to our family and we as parents had to change the way we dealt with the behaviour.

We have gone through a year of hell with our son where we take one step forward and ten steps back. I thought we had gotten over the worst until last week when our lives came crashing down on us and we seemed to be back at the beginning. However, on reflection some 2 weeks later we are nowhere near where we were then, and even though we have taken a few steps back, we are still nearer to where we were 3 weeks ago (before it all came crashing down) to where we were at the beginning of the year, so that is progress in my book.

I look back and wonder how I haven't had a breakdown with what we have been through but it is through shear love and determination that we haven't given up on our son. I think you are demonstrating the same, but I do also feel that at the age of 18 he is now an adult in the eyes of the law and maybe now is the time for tough love. You can still support your son, and you are by trying to help him to join the navy, but maybe life would be better if he didn't live in your home. My ds is starting a prep course before joining the navy, is there something like that in your local college. This looks at all the services and prepares them in their fitness and testing so that when they go to join these things are tip top and there is more likelihood of them passing the test - my ds will also get £50 pw for being on the course. It is a 13 week course and then it is up to him.

I wish you all the best and know exactly what you are going through. If you wish to pm me at any time, then please feel free. In the meantime I am giving you lots of hugs and support from a mum who knows what it is like to be in the firing line. Good luck

TurnaroundSue

Mutter wrote: »

Discipline really is a two way street isn't it, needing co-operation from both parents and school.
I am in no way blaming the teachers in the case of TurnaroundSue's son as I know that their hands are effectively tied. But I wish someone could explain why, on a pupil being disruptive, they are "rewarded" with five days out of school, the very place they probably hate anyway.

More work as a punishment, not less. When will a Minister for Education see this?

How the heck is a responsible parent like TS supposed to take time out of work to oversee the so called punishment. If she doesn't, her son might be wandering the streets getting up to more trouble.



Both parents and teachers are being treated like fools, with children being raised by a rule book, a rule book that states to reward them for bad behaviour. Madness.

As for not taking son to rugby, that would kill me too. I'd be pacing the floor thinking Oh, what if he meets with an accident and I refused to take him.
Not worth it for my mental state but they'd know I was furious.

TurnaroundSue, your son is very bright but not academic, so I take it you and he have had a meeting with connexions? http://www.connexions-direct.com/

My hat off to all you good parents, I think you have a far tougher time than ever the past generation did.

I have just read quickly back over this thread and I would just like to say thanks to mutter for this link. I forgot it was there so I have now reacquainted myself with it and will use it in the future as and when required. It is good to know that there is someone I can talk to when I feel that all has been lost; just wished I remembered it was there!!

grey_lady

Ok, I did pull my original tough love post, because i dont know the OP, I dont know what has happened in her son's life to cause him to act this way. Maybe he's unhappy because something bad has happened in his past, maybe there's a mental illness etc.

But, OP - to be blunt, you come across that he is taking the p, because you let him take the p and, yes - you are spoiling him. (Sorry to be so blunt)

You are also condoning him smoking which is plain wrong - more than two thirds of smokers end up with smoking related terminal illnesses eventually, that's a fact - is that what you want for your son?

Right now, by 'kicking him out' for a couple of hours to the garden, by 'hiding' fuses (like he probably doesnt have a couple in his pocket) you're playing games with him. Is there anyone in his life that he listens to and respects? a grandparent that he could stay with for a few weeks maybe?

I really, really dont mean to be hard, becayse it sounds like you've bent over backwards trying to help him and you've probably done everything right by trying to convince him to go into the army or the navy, or work with the Princes trust towards a future.

Maybe now you need to think about not trying to help him, but push him out into the big wide world without a safety net. Don't let him sleep in the garden the next time you kick him out, tell him that's it - he has to get his own place sorted either by working or through the councill or enter a profession where accomadation is provided.

But dont help him and dont try and advise him or arrange things for him, make him run his own life and let him suprise you at how well he can do it.