Do we have a brat camp type boarding school in the UK?

TheEffect

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

Thanks you for your reply.

We could get a loan.. it would be worth it.

I am looking for something that will not only allow us to breathe but that deals with problem children and may give him a better attitude towards life andd others. .. can anyone suggest any?

Instead of categorizing your son as a 'Brat', maybe it's time to look at your parenting skills. Instead of shipping him off so he's away from you, why not get him professional help, so he can better himself while still being part of the family.

You've basically just said you've given up on your own child, you don't want him to be part of the family anymore and would rather get in debt to get rid of him then to keep him and seek help. What a great role model you are for your youngest two children. What happens when they start playing up or go through the stroppy teenage years, are you going to ship them off as well?

Grow up, seek professional help for your son (and possibly you if you need it) and start building bridges with your family, rather then knocking them down.

Sue-UU

A wonderful site Sue! I've just been glued to it since you putting your post on! Take note of it all Nikki, I wish I'd had all his advice when my youngest was growing up. Good luck with your lad, yours too Sue.

Sue

Savvy_Sue

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

within an hour he rang home to say sorry. never been known before but it was empty words as he was not different when he arrived home.

Maybe you have to take things at face value. Someone got him to apologise. That's never been known before. He couldn't keep it up, but he did something he'd never done before. That's a good step. Don't knock it ... By all means let the PT people know things were no different when he got home, but also let them know that was something he'd never done before.

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

No way would I get him to counselling.

Then I really think you and your DH should go, possibly with your younger children too. I'm talking family counselling, NOT just attempting to deal with 'his' problems. Although even if just you went, it might be worthwhile.

Because these problems are not just his problems, they are your family's problems. And as others have said, you can't change his behaviour, but you can change yours, and it may be that if you got serious about the unacceptability of his behaviour, he WOULD change.

Right now you're not prepared to do what may be necessary. You've decided that if you ask him to leave, you'll have lost him. Honestly, is the relationship you've got with him now worth saving? Is it worth losing your younger boys in a few years' time? Is it worth destroying their childhood? And because your husband would do things differently, is it worth risking your marriage?

Someone impartial, outside this situation, may help you look at it with fresh eyes, and help you explore different ways of responding. I'm thinking there's an opposite to the old saying "if it ain't broke don't fix it" - this is broke, it does need fixing, and elastoplast won't do!

ailuro2

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

He was starting to want to go in the army. I took him to the army careers office and they made it all sound wonderful. I offered to buy him out if they sent him to war and all was hopeful. He passed his IQ type test and interview, our doctor had filled in all the forms and I enrolled us both at a local gym where we trained together to get him ready for his fitness test as he had to be able to run 1.5 miles in under 12 minutes.

I did not give up. I would have the “I am not getting up” every morning, but I threw water over him (he would just lay there for ages till he flipped and filled cups up to throw over me!) when all I wanted to do was get him to the gym for his fitness! He was worse than ever but I could see a light and was just aiming for it. I really hoped the army would be the making of him and set him up for life.

So after many an embarrassing time at the gym with him shouting at me or refusing to do anything but go outside for a smoke his fitness was up and he had an entrance weekend booked in mid November. He lasted half a day and after a medical he was told that due to asthma as a child his lungs were not up to scratch and he would never be able to enrol in the army.

He came back and I said every thing would be ok and I would help him. I did and he started working with his dad in construction. This did not last long as DH leaves at 6.30am, getting in at 5.45pm and he was just tried, made it very hard to get him up, did not do anything and made the other lads angry. I was becoming a referee every night when they arrived home and he was spending all his money on cigarettes and drink.

So we had Christmas and I had enrolled him in the princes trust 12 week scheme to start in January but over the Christmas period I discovered that some of the colleges were starting courses in January so I talked with him and advised that If we could get him on a course from January to June and if he passed he would be able to start mostly any course he wanted in September.

This was giving him a fresh start to be able to study anything he wanted to give him a future with our full support. A lot more than he deserved be what else could I do?

So January came and I took him and fetched him from college every day (he would not have gone else) and he seemed to be doing the minimum required to get him through this public services course. His attitude and behaviour was worse than ever at home and I threatened him with the YMCA on many an evening but he knew I could not go through with it so you have lost before you have started.


I have worked my socks off for him with getting him replacement false teeth and only last week I drove him to a dental teaching hospital 2 hours away to start the implants procedure off along with compensation forms and endless hours of research. He on the other hand can not even follow my request for keeping his false teeth in there case when not wearing.

He leaves them everywhere. He takes then out when he eats and does this at the table and just plonks them next to the serving bowls. Everywhere you go you are moving false teeth. I am worried the dog will have them as I have found them on the floor before now when hes left them on the coffee table but he enjoys the reaction he gets so we don’t mention then much, just move them ourselves.

So I contacted the college as he would not go with missing teeth which I understood so they sent him work via email but no matter what I said he would not do it and I did not feel in a position to be hard on him because of what he was going through. So in the end the college said he had missed to much and could not complete the course and that was that.

I started ring around again as he was just in bed all day being his wonderful self and got him enrolled on the princes trust 12 week course. This was brilliant. You have to be between 17 and 25 and don’t know what you want. They try and lift confidence, give you work experience and put you in the right direction.

He did a few weeks and them they started do a charity week tidying a garden which he lasted 1 day and refused to go again as he was not doing manual labour without pay. I said that was his choice but if he did not go he would not be allowed in the house in the day as if he was not doing that then he would have to job hunt. He just refused to move. I would have had to call the police to have him removed which I was not prepared to do so I did the norm and removed all fuses from his bedroom plugs, pulled out the sky card down stairs and refused to cook for him. To which he just lays in bed or on the sofa name calling me and upsetting his brothers in everyway he can.

At meal times I would not set his place and we would eat and he was told to cook himself something. Well he just stands there with the freezer door wide open whilst we are eating saying. now what will I have and throwing everything out of the freezer into the middle of the kitchen floor trying to get a reaction and trying to show me that I am better off just cooking for him. Well we are used to it now so just carry on our meal, talking about our day and refuse to join in.

After 3 days of this the prince’s trust called him again to see if they could change his mind and he agreed to go back.

So that’s where we are now, worse than ever with no end in sight.

He has no earnings and as much as I have tried to talk about him getting at Saturday job he refuses saying that he’s not doing princes trust / college all week and then working weekends. He calls me a scrounger as I do not work so why should he, says “he will get a job when I do. If you can scrounge off dad then why shouldn’t I”

Now I could understand it if I sat on my backside all day watching daytime TV but I never stop. I have worked full time since I was 16 up to 4 years ago and I have 3 children and a small business to run. If my bum hits a seat at 7 then I have done well. (I realise that he says this to get a reaction but as none of you know me I want to make it clear that he has no reason to say such a thing)

Currently he has no luxury in is home life. I had made it clear to him that he can live here rent free and be fed but that’s it. He’s not allowed fuses in his plugs. Use of the computer or to watch TV when its just him in the lounge until he gets some paid part time work. He does not seem that bothered. Just lays in bed but its my way of knowing I am trying to do something to show him you can not live like this off other peoples backs.

If you have read down this far…. Well done!! Thanks for reading.

Nikki

I've put a few things in bold that caught my attention, I'm sorry but this is another post from the "stop wiping his backside for him" camp.

It's nice to be needed, and we all want what's best for our kids, but there does come a time when they need to be left to do it for themselves, no matter what those consequences are (unless of course they have special needs, which is a different matter entirely!) He's legally an adult - so cut the strings and let him be one. If that means kicking him out and changing the locks then so be it. He finds the money from somewhere to buy his ciggies, so he'll find the money to survive somehow. Tough Love is the hardest of all to give.

From my pov, it looks like you're spending all this time chasing around one person in the family, but to what cost of the others?

My older sister took up a lot of the family's time and attention with her bad behaviour, which meant I was the one who was left out and didn't get the attention I really needed. Reward good behaviour in your other sons. Plan a special day for them and take them out with just you and DH, make sure they know you love them too. Let your DH have a say in what happens too.

Good Luck.

p.s. If he was really bothered about his appearance without his teeth, then he'd never take them out and leave them anywhere.

GIRLPOWER_2

TurnaroundSue wrote: »

Hi GP, I have replied to your thread previously and my heart goes out to you. You say that you have half read the book but have you tried this 4 week course http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/contents2.html. Not sure if I can post this and if not I apologise and can the powers that be please remove it. I found this very useful and I have posted my own thread when I thought my ds had ODD. I received harsh comments from people who (with all due respect to them) cannot understand what it is like unless you have gone through it yourself. One of the things I learnt from this course was that you have to be consistent. You also have to change the way you behave/react to your child's behaviour. Alot of the things it said related to our family and we as parents had to change the way we dealt with the behaviour.

We have gone through a year of hell with our son where we take one step forward and ten steps back. I thought we had gotten over the worst until last week when our lives came crashing down on us and we seemed to be back at the beginning. However, on reflection some 2 weeks later we are nowhere near where we were then, and even though we have taken a few steps back, we are still nearer to where we were 3 weeks ago (before it all came crashing down) to where we were at the beginning of the year, so that is progress in my book.

I look back and wonder how I haven't had a breakdown with what we have been through but it is through shear love and determination that we haven't given up on our son. I think you are demonstrating the same, but I do also feel that at the age of 18 he is now an adult in the eyes of the law and maybe now is the time for tough love. You can still support your son, and you are by trying to help him to join the navy, but maybe life would be better if he didn't live in your home. My ds is starting a prep course before joining the navy, is there something like that in your local college. This looks at all the services and prepares them in their fitness and testing so that when they go to join these things are tip top and there is more likelihood of them passing the test - my ds will also get £50 pw for being on the course. It is a 13 week course and then it is up to him.

I wish you all the best and know exactly what you are going through. If you wish to pm me at any time, then please feel free. In the meantime I am giving you lots of hugs and support from a mum who knows what it is like to be in the firing line. Good luck

Thank you very much for the link and the course information.

I have started a new thread on him joining the Navy which he has applied for. The only prep course our college offers is a 18 week Army prep course. I have goggled the 13 week navy prep course and can not find any colleges that offer it locally (Stoke on Trent)

I have had a good look at the myoutofcontrolteen site and think it is an excellent site thats perfect for us. He has his written navy entrance test in a few weeks so DH (who has a much better relationship with him than me) is spending as much time as he will allow going through the practice papers with him. As soon as this is over I will start the program it suggests. I do not want anything at the moment to give him the excuse to not go through with this as I am sure it will be the making of him if he can get in. we are just keeping our heads down and counting the days.

I realise that sound awful but unless you live with a teen like him you can not understand how desperate you become to have some normality and stop living in a battleground.

I also totally agree with all that suggest its my fault and my parenting that has caused this problem. What I will say, and have said before is hes always had an odd attitude towards life and the people around him from a very early age. I think a combination of the two have caused this and I will certainly be looking into this further for the sake of the younger children and the future relationship with this DS.

I take no offense at anything thats been said or suggested and that you all for your input and advice.

Nikki

Savvy_Sue

GIRLPOWER wrote: »

so DH (who has a much better relationship with him than me)

Good to have your update, but noticing this, I thought it might be worth suggesting that you leave as much as possible to your DH. While my 3 are nothing like as difficult as yours, they all clash with me at regular intervals, but their dad is usually able to negotiate and sort things out without it leading to WW3.

So, Dad agrees with him what's supposed to be done while Dad's at work, Dad discusses with him the consequences of it not having been done, Dad sets out the Rules of Respect with this house, Dad discusses with him how it's been that day.

And you just back off ...

TurnaroundSue

Hi GP, Glad to see that things are looking brighter for the future. I just want to say that I agree that unless anybody has gone through the real traumas of living with a teen that is out of control, then nobody can understand what it is like. But I would also say that it is NOT all your fault, yes, maybe the way situations have been handled might have exaserbated (sp?) the situation, but it is NOT all your fault. Your son also has to take responsibility for his own actions too.

I wish you all the best and hope that the navy will be the making of your son. You have stuck by your son and helped him every step of the way, maybe too much at times, but hopefully good times are round the corner and life will be good once again.

janejana

brat camp is classified as a wilderness style program in UK. I know Bedstone College Boarding School is one of the independent and esteemed teen boarding school in UK that offers brat camp. It is located in South Shrosphire, UK.

charlearose

if he can go to cadets and behave himself even if its just being quiet then he obviously isnt that bad he probably respects the officers

if they take them which they might do send him on a boot camp for a week its better than a brat camp i think because he is not being treated as a kid rather as an adult plus Its a postive week not a negative thing in that a bratt camp is for problem kids which is obvioulsy how you see him

its would be all blokes together with a common goal and the staff are totally brill i went from not being able to run for the bus to running 5 miles in a week


i did one for a week in june absolute brilliant 12 -14 hours a day excercise knock the !!!! out of you and the marines were pretty sexy as well:D

i dont know if they take kids there was a girl there who mum sent her for a week she was 17 but it was brilliant

also if he want to go in the forces a week of this hell will certainly make up his mind

he wont be able to run off anywhere as its in the middle of the breacon beacons where they train the sas miles from anywhere
if he is serious about the army then this is something that is worthwhile doing plus they run every month and a lot cheaper around 800 for the week

RAS

This is an ancient thread that has been resurrected by someone who may just be promoting the company they work for.