Today I put my 5yo ds over my knee & smacked his bare bum - I'm mortified with myself

fernliebee

Don't give yourself the guilts too much. You have done something you didn't want to do, but kid's are so resiliant. I would agree with the apology, I strongly believe in apologising to children (I even do to my 19 month old, if I am a bit snappy with her) as how can they learn about saying sorry if they are not shown it.

Try to forgive yourself for losing your temper. I also believe it is very occasionally OK for children to see that if they are winding you up, you will crack. You are human after all, as above as long as you are willing to apologise for your mistakes then it should make him understand it more. Like a pp say's, I wouldn't let on that you are feeling guilty, I would keep it simple.

With the time out thing, kid's will push it as much as they can (not just from being a mummy but I have worked with children of all ages for over 10 yrs and this is our only sanction really) most will try and push the limit by doing things such as standing up instead of sitting, standing on their head, sprawling along the ground etc. My personal thing was I wouldn't make it a battle. The real 'punishment' of time out is that they are ignored- kid's can't stand it. So if he is staying on the spot then ignore him. If he comes off, don't bother saying anything or shouting, just pick him up and replace him, then turn your back. When he sees he isn't bothering you he will realise it is quicker to sit and do his minutes and get back on with playing.

It is hard when anyone (esp a child) knows how to push your buttons, but that is what some of them do. They are little monkeys! And just remind yourself of the hundreds of good things that you do, they will outweigh the occasional bad.

springclean

don't beat youself up, but as others have said, it is a sign that you lost control of the situation. i had the odd smacked bottom as a child, and on a couple of occasions my kids when younger had the same - although it was rare and i too felt awful afterwards.

he is at the age where he will start to test the boundaries, so now you have to make sure they are strong and he knows where they are and what they are made of. i swore by not backing down on threats. i only ever gave a consequence for an action that i could and would carry out, and i held fast and won the battle. not saying it was easy, but my kids have always known who is the parent and where the line is drawn - even now at age 17 and 20.

i know too many people who now have bratty teens. when their kids were younger i would see them threaten 'no sweets' for misbehaving, only to see the kid chomping away with a smirk 10 minutes later. to me, no sweets means no sweets for that day,or until the behaviour improves and there has been a sincere apology.

i also hardened myself to the fact that they may not like me for a while if i had to carry out a threat, in the knowledge that it was for the greater good, in that they needed to learn about acceptable behaviour to carry on every part of the rest of their lives. we can't be closer now, by the way. just stick to your guns don't try and betheir best mate. you will always be mum and they will just use that stance to run rings round you.

Intastella

Sorry to butt in again, but it's just to add...it's when you don't feel awful afterwards that you need to really look at yourself.

Hope you all have had a good nights kip...things always look and feel better in the morning

DaveLy

Having met my girlfriend, she has a 6 year old, over the year I've implemented a 'strike' system, it's radically changed his behaviour from a mis behaved boy, 'unable' to tidy his room or make his bed to a kid that'd even enjoy tidying up if asked, reguarly keeps his room tidy and always makes his bed. Infact, I've punished him more than anyone in his life, yet, thinks i'm the best, his best friend, and always hugs me before anyone else. He reminds me every day with a note "dave your the best love ..." etc.

Now, underlyingly, boys love games, and this is essentially a game with not only negatives but big positives.

You explain, he can earn upto 3 bad strikes, each level means he goes to bed earlier, loses things like games, puddings, movies, tv in bedroom etc., however if he hits 3, it's instant grounding for the day, no comeback, the next day it gets reset however if he takes his punishment well. The kid will feel like it's the end of the world to hit 3, because they're going to experience serious boredom.

I've used strikes to successfully make sure he brushes his teeth every night without fail, tidy his room reguarly, litter duty around the house, make his bed etc.

I think, part of why it works is it's "rules" even a kid understands, simplified into 3 steps.

Now, with bad, comes good. Upto 3 bonus strikes. Bonus strikes gets him the occassional maccies, gets to stay up later, etc. Very importantly, when he's behaving (as in, on good strikes) you really big him up, tell him awesome he is being, a kid LOVES this attention. If his bedtime is at 8, and he's on 3 bonus strikes, that means he gets another 20 minutes, so you make a big deal of the situation "oh it's bed time now... oh wait, no it's not, your on 3 bonus strikes, WOW thats another 20 minutes!!!"

Now, if he's on 2 or 3 bad strikes, and the daughter is being well behaved, buy only her a maccies... blame his inability to have one on bad strikes. You may feel this is unfair, but this is how life works, if one person works harder than another, they'll always come out on top, a lesson well learnt from an early age.

IMPORTANTLY, strikes rarely ever go away, they are only ever earnt, by behaving, tidying up, etc.

Last pointer of the strike system is you'll need him to hear of the 'unspoken' 4th bad strike, like christianitys hell, it'll give him a good fear. This ultimately is something if he tries to push the 3 bad strikes. This would be losing everything for 3 days, stuck in his bedroom. Never once had to use it, due to the mysterious nature hehe. Humans naturally fear the unknown.

I might note last of all, I'm not a 'real' Dad, yet not only have i never hit him (obviously), i've not even raised my voice, not once. In over a year. I'll save that (shouting) for the SERIOUS almost life threatening issues. hehe

gill_hc

I know how you feel - my DD age 6 seems to get into these really bad phases sometimes where nothing works. She has punched and kicked and is totally uncontrollable when she gets like this. Anyway when she is totally uncontrollable I take things from her - start with the book she has been reading, colouring pencils, favourite teddy etc - basically all there favourite things and she doesn't get them back until she shows me good behaviour. She is screaming at me and it does make it worse in the short term but it does work long term. The next day is a bit dodgy when she has nothing she wants to play with but its now the threat of losing things is about the only thing that keeps her behaviour in check.

Mips

A couple of weeks ago we were in bed, and my 4yr old climbed in and was annoying us, demanding the TV go on, demanding juice, demanding more food.. all about 9pm.

I was really annoyed with her so I smacked her on the bottom. She was in front of me lying in the middle of the bed facing away from me - so she didn't see it coming.

I was so shocked and upset with myself, I went down the stairs alone in the cold to just think about what I had done. I hated myself at that minute.

I came back upstairs and told her I loved her, and I am sorry.. but I really need her to go to sleep - (she cuddled me and said 'its ok mummy, i love you')

bestpud

Talking of praise, my dd(8) responds very well to me telling her she is very good at something before she does it, or before I ask her to do something.

For example, I may say 'I'll leave you to sort those things out as you're great at organising' - that kind of thing.

Recently she had started messing about at bedtime and I found I was nagging her so I started by challenging her to get up the stairs and in bed ready for her story within 5 minutes (I set the stop watch) and then moved on to telling her how quick she can get herself up to bed. It took a few nights but bedtime harmony is restored!

I also tell her often how kind and polite she is and how much others appreciate that - she went through a phase of not saying 'thank you' in shops and that worked far better than me refusing to let her leave until she'd said thank you.

I know it can be hard to praise when they are going a through particularly challenging patch (and it can feel false sometimes too) so it's an easier way of getting it in imo!

I think it's because they like to be good at things and don't want to prove otherwise iykwim?

MrsTinks

I personally LOVE supernanny... I think her methods are great and they obviously work
A smack for something really bad isn't the end fo the world - I was smacked twice as a child and I remember both of them vividly (and trust me I never bit my mum on the bum again and I never tried to run across a busy road to my dad who was on the other side without holding mums hand again!)

If you put him on the naughty chair do you tell him how long he's there for, why he's there and that time starts when he SITS on it - not plays on it. It's there to sit and think about what he's done... not have a hoot of a time.
Implement reward charts too and when it's bed time put them in bed, tuck them in and read a story. Say goodnight and leave. If they get up return to bed and only say "goodnight" any subsequent returns to bed you do not speak to them, respond to them or interact other than to put them in bed. By talking or answering them you are rewarding their behaviour with attention - good or bad.

suited-aces

This thread is incredible. Parents afraid to discipline their kids.

pigpen

Did he explode?
Did it kill him?
Does he still bear the bruises?
Does he flinch every time you go anywhere near him?

I didn't think so..

One slap on the bottom will not do him any harm whatsoever, it may however may make him think twice before behaving in such a manner again.. for a while at least.. the threat of another slap is usually enough for several months..

Mine have had their share of smacked bottoms.. usually thigh actually. Mainly when they have been told repeatedly about the same thing.. bedtime is a particularly trying time anyway, everyone is tired and whingy and it isn't pleasant.. graveyard shift we call it! If you have exhausted all options and it works, so be it! and yes boys do tend to need firmer discipline than girls.. on the whole.

It is an effective deterrent which is what makes it work better.

Do not EVER lash out in temper though.. that is when things start to get out of hand... yes we have all doe or said something in rage we wish we could take back.. that doesn't make it right, nor does apologising for it afterwards!

My brood are told quite plainly.. if you do this.. the consequences will be this... if it is a smacked bottom that is what they get.. one slap on the leg.. usually equates to one child fast asleep in about 5 minutes in here. If you take away a favourite toy fine.. whatever acts as a deterent. In here I am the boss.. if they want to live by their own rules they can move out (my youngest is 5.. this isn't happening anytime soon)

As a result.. they rarely end up with a slap.. though my 15 y/o will begetting one in the mouth if she doesn't watch her tone and what she is saying!

Find out from him what he thinks a reasonable punishment would be.. removal of a favourite toy, console ban etc..

If you really feel the need to apologise for giving him a slap (there is no way on earth I would TBH) then make sure he knows how you got there.. you asked him to behave and he didn't and you were both tired etc and suchlike.. he had a role to play in that and he needs to know it.. all part of taking responsibility for your own actions.. you are taking responsibility for yours and he needs to own his too and understand how things could have been different.

The chances aren he won't even remember what happened.