Today I put my 5yo ds over my knee & smacked his bare bum - I'm mortified with myself

Person_one

I used to get one slap, bum or top of thigh. Mum used to say one was effective for about six months.:rotfl:
I was wrong - I got punished - end of. Why should she have apologised???
Anyway most of the time 'the look' was enough!

Oh and I did not turn into some violent monster as a result.

ofgs. I used to get beaten by my mum with a wooden spoon. It turned me into an upstanding member of the human race.

I was never hit (or the euphemism 'smacked') by either of my parents and I too managed to grow up into a productive member of society. I don't think that kind of evidence is remotely useful, of course everybody thinks 'they' turned out ok!

I will never understand why something that would be called assault to an adult is deemed ok to do to a child. If my OH 'tapped' me on the back of my hand or across the legs because he was frustrated by my behaviour, or even because I was a bit close to the fire I would be out of the relationship in a shot and possibly at the police station!

All children learn from being hit by their parents is that the person with the physical (size/strength) advantage is in charge and that an acceptable way to correct someone's behaviour is to hit. I wonder how many children who hit others in nursery school for taking a toy or not being their friend are repeating behaviour they learned at home?

"Hate begets hate; violence begets violence; toughness begets a greater toughness." - Martin Luther King

To the OP (sorry to derail!) Don't beat yourself up too much, of course you feel terrible but you aren't the first parent to get it wrong in a difficult moment. I agree with your impulse to apologise, you would demand an apology if your son hit you wouldn't you? Also the fact that you are so upset means you are NOT a bad person!

fernliebee

Craftyscholar wrote: »

I used to get one slap, bum or top of thigh. Mum used to say one was effective for about six months.:rotfl:
I was wrong - I got punished - end of. Why should she have apologised???
Anyway most of the time 'the look' was enough!

Oh and I did not turn into some violent monster as a result.

If your mum believed smacking was a fit punishment, that she used when you were naughty then you are right she shouldn't apologise. This however is different to the OP's situation, where she actually does not believe in smacking as a punishment, and lashed out through anger and frustration. This is very different, and I believe OP is right to apologise for this. Not apologise for being cross or angry, she had every right to be, her DS was being naughty, but for hitting him when he has no knowledge that this is a punishment. If my DD hit me because she was angry she would be asked to apologise, and if not she would go on time out. I would do the same to her- after all children learn by example.

I'm not saying it is right or wrong to smack. I believe there are different ways of disciplining a child, but I'm not ruling out that I will never, ever smack my children. I won't want to (as I personally feel it is ineffective) but I may find myself in a similar situation to OP. I would apologise for my behaviour!

Fuzzy_Duck

I am often surprised by this attitude as my parents always smacked me if I did wrong. I was probably quite similar to your son- a bit cheeky at times. A smack was the only way I would learn, and whilst they did carry on trying to reason with me or just give me a telling off, a smack was sometimes a last resort. Whilst they were never proud of themselves for doing it they never felt guilty either, as it always worked.

The thing to remember is you're hardly beating your child. A small slap on the bum or the thigh is best as it's a fleshy bit that won't hurt them- it's just a shock that will get the child's attention. If you've never done it before than yes, your child might be a little shocked but hardly traumatised. I always used to get far more upset when my parents ignored my bad behaviour.

I do agree that some children you shouldn't smack as they will benefit from different kinds of discipline, but my personal opinion is that the naughty step and such is a load of rubbish. It would never have worked on me, I would have found it hilarious and messed about as well. A slap is sometimes necessary and in those occasions do it in a controlled manner, try not to lose it and lash out. I think that's an important difference.

I wouldn't apologise, it will prove he can do what he likes (that's if he even remembers you slapped him!) There are plenty of us who were smacked here and we came out of it fine- it's often the children who weren't that have problems later in life from lack of discipline.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, just my opinion and you know your son best.

Eagle_1

pigpen wrote: »

aahh Eagle_1.. but then you get the 'OMG!! You cannot tell your child LIES.. they will think it is ok and end up as felons!!!!'

White lies are ok, ive told millions
Thing is it worked for me, I didnt have to smack as not going to McDonalds was a megga deal to my DD back then.

Me and my DD laugh about it now and she finds it hilarious

But, I dont endorse telling lies, but lickle white ones are fine

bestpud

It may be just me (in fact I am sure it will be) but I feel quite horrified when I hear parents talk about planned smacking.

I can understand how someone with a determined child can end up smacking them in temper - I don't agree with it at all but I can see how it happens sometimes.

What I can't get my head round is someone telling their child they will smack them and then calmly doing so.

I guess I just find it odd that anyone would want to deliberately hit another, especially a child.

For me, hitting is just unnaceptable and the thought of planning it seems bizarre! If people are calm enough to use smacking as a deterrent then why not think of something that doesn't involve hitting them?

I know many do but I really can't understand it at all.

I mean, why would you for goodness sake?

I'd tell my child off for hitting another, no matter what that person had done (except self defence of course), but how on earth could I tell her hitting is wrong and then whack her for doing something I didn't like???

Bizarre, truly bizarre!

bestpud

Fuzzy_Duck wrote: »

I am often surprised by this attitude as my parents always smacked me if I did wrong. I was probably quite similar to your son- a bit cheeky at times. A smack was the only way I would learn, and whilst they did carry on trying to reason with me or just give me a telling off, a smack was sometimes a last resort. Whilst they were never proud of themselves for doing it they never felt guilty either, as it always worked.

The thing to remember is you're hardly beating your child. A small slap on the bum or the thigh is best as it's a fleshy bit that won't hurt them- it's just a shock that will get the child's attention. If you've never done it before than yes, your child might be a little shocked but hardly traumatised. I always used to get far more upset when my parents ignored my bad behaviour.

I do agree that some children you shouldn't smack as they will benefit from different kinds of discipline, but my personal opinion is that the naughty step and such is a load of rubbish. It would never have worked on me, I would have found it hilarious and messed about as well. A slap is sometimes necessary and in those occasions do it in a controlled manner, try not to lose it and lash out. I think that's an important difference.

I wouldn't apologise, it will prove he can do what he likes (that's if he even remembers you slapped him!) There are plenty of us who were smacked here and we came out of it fine- it's often the children who weren't that have problems later in life from lack of discipline.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, just my opinion and you know your son best.

How do you know it wouldn't have worked if your parents only tried to reason with you or ignored your bad behaviour?

Clear and timely consequences work just as well.

A shout, or sharp knock on something loud, could shock a child if that is the desired effect so why does it have to be a smack?

Fuzzy_Duck

Person_one wrote: »

All children learn from being hit by their parents is that the person with the physical (size/strength) advantage is in charge and that an acceptable way to correct someone's behaviour is to hit. I wonder how many children who hit others in nursery school for taking a toy or not being their friend are repeating behaviour they learned at home?

Sorry but I think this is a load of carp. Slapping a child is hardly the same as punching someone in the gut. A child learns from a slap that they have done wrong and if they want to avoid a slap and the associated anger they get from their parents that they shouldn't do it again. Assuming you are slapping your child in a responsible way as I have already described, nothing bad should come from it.

I used to work in a nursery and the majority of kids that displayed aggression to other children were the ones who weren't disciplined at home and didn't know right from wrong. People used to smack their kids all the time a few decades ago- was everyone beating each other up then? No, funnily enough people were a lot better behaved.

mumslave

To the OP.

I really would not apologise to your son for smacking him. By all means, apologise for losing your temper, but not for the smack. If it is beyond the norm for you, your son needs to understand that he has pushed you to that level. He is 5, not a little toddler anymore. Its all very well to want to be the perfect parent, never lose your temper, never shout, never smack, never do anything but be a perfect supernanny...but in practice, life as a parent is very different dont you think? You havent scarred him for life, you have shown him that even you have a limit. To apologise for that, is excusing him of pushing you to act in a way you wouldnt normally.

As for the smacking debate, my girls get smacked on occasion. I cant think of anything recently, but they have done, by both me and their dad and probably will again. Even worse...I dont feel guilty about it...I dont enjoy it either, but if they have been smacked, then they have been acting in a way to merit it, had at least 3 warnings and so on.... thats how it is in this household.

Fuzzy_Duck

bestpud wrote: »

How do you know it wouldn't have worked if your parents only tried to reason with you or ignored your bad behaviour?

Clear and timely consequences work just as well.

A shout, or sharp knock on something loud, could shock a child if that is the desired effect so why does it have to be a smack?

Uhh... because they did try, and it didn't work. Plus it's all very well suggesting people wait to see the effects, but if your child's putting itself in danger or hurting another child for example, trying to reason with them isn't a quick enough response. They did used to try ignoring me, which made me far more upset than a brief smack. I'm not trying to say everyone should smack their kids if they want them to behave; every child is different- some benefit from a smack, some benefit from what we perceive to be more acceptable punishments.

All I'm saying is I don't see why people think a smack is akin to child abuse and judge the parents who do it- we're all different and have different ways of parenting. Yes a slap should be a last resort compared to the norm, but at the end of the day few of us have perfectly well-behaved children. All I mean is if you do slap your child, even if you didn't want to- don't beat yourself up. We all lose our rag from time to time and sometimes it's the only thing that works.

honeyD

Some really interesting replies to this topic.

I think smacking is something kids these days lack, and thats why we have so many yobs on our streets causing trouble. Discipline is necessary for children to grow up and be respectful to others etc. I was smacked as a child and it didnt do me any harm, I was never beaten, I was given a slap to the bum/thigh whatever. I think Ive grown into a reasonable young woman and have a lot of good qualities (even if I do say so myself! :rotfl:) I will probably smack my own children when I have them, if they are doing something bad enough to warrant it. I smack other peoples children too if I have them and they are being really naughty, the parents know I do this and are fine with it, Im not beating them! Sometimes its all that works, sometimes the naughty step will, it depends on the child and how unruly their behaviour is.
A smack is fine in my opinion, as long as its not leaving a big red handprint. Beating a child however is another matter and totally wrong ofcourse.