Please help - about to tell my daughter about her father

rockfan

I am a regular on this forum but couldn't write this as myself, sorry xx

I aploigise for the length of this post, it was meant to be a quick sentence but I decided to include some background information which might help to give the bigger picture....here goes..

....Please can anyone offer any advice on a very sensitive subject. This is causing me much angish and worry and I would be grateful to hear from anyone who has been through this either as a parent as I am or as the child or sibling of the child.

When I was 18 I fell pregnant with my daughter who is now almost 18 herself. Despite what everyone thought, this was a planned pregnancy. My boyfriend was a great dad at first but he went off with another girl and left me before our daughter was two. Initially he continued seeing her, but this was irregular and soon tailed off. Of course I was devastated.

I have not set eyes on him or communicated with him in anyway since.

His parents were devastated, they thought the world of their grandaughter. Just before we split up, I had given my boyfriend £1000 to buy a car and couldn't afford to lose that money so they sent me £60 a month to repay me, this money has contined to come every month for the last 16 years, clearly they have repaid the money owed many times over so I assumed it to be maintenance for my daughter and I alway spent it on her.

About 6 months after we split up I met my future husband. He took my daughter on as his own and didn't want to know any details about her dad, he didn't ever want her to know he wasn't her biological dad and although I disagreed with that I went along with it because talking about it really upset him.

I hoped he would change his mind and had kept photos of him and our daughter together for the day I told her but as they years passed by, they continued to never see the light of day and to be honest I think we both began to forget the truth.

We got married and she started school taking his surname (though not legally but she was known by it and still is) We had another daughter and were a happy family.

Then when she was 10 we split up. I suggested again we tell her the truth because the split was down to me and his mum was threatening to tell her and I didn't want anyone else telling her but us. But he broke down and was so upset that again I didn't.

Over the years I would occasionally bump into her natural grandparents and sometimes my daughter would be with me but she would assume she was just a friend. Over the years I kept them updated with photos and the grandmother would write to me with family updates, her dad went on to have two more daughters with the girl he left me for, he divorced her and doesn't see them either.

He had health issues too which may run in the family. I also knew that he had written a diary for our daughter explaining things and had almost got in touch with me on several occasions, held back only by his mum.

She broke her arm and the question of parental consent was brought up at the hospital, her dad said he could give consent when asked and I had to remind him descretly that he couldn't.

I always knew I must tell her but the timing never seemed to be right, she became a teenager and had her first boyfriend, she became withdrawn from me and more demanding. Her boyfriend finished with her and she took an overdoes. My baby was so unhappy and just wanted to cuddle her and make her better, her dad too and again the issue of parental consent came up as she was sat there.

My ex husband again seemed to forget and was going to sign some forms but I stopped him, the nurse asked if he was on the birth certifcate and he had to say no, I was cross that this was asked in front of her but I think she was too dazed for it to sink in. I had to explain to the nurse in private.

Every time things like this happened I knew I couldn't keep up the lie forever.

While there were postal strikes her natural grandparents called at the house with my maintainance payment, they had there grandson with them, he was 16 and of course I remember him as he was 1 when my daughter was born. He knew all about my daughter but had never seen her. She called in on another occasion on her own and my daughter was home and they had a chat.

Last year my daughter mentioned someone with the same name as this cousin (an unusual name) and my blood turned cold. She had met him at college and they had become friends. Last summer I came home from work and he was in the house with a few other friends. The reality of the situation again hit home and I spoke to my ex about telling her again, I told him I had to do it and soon and he was upset again but said I'd have to do it alone as he couldn't bear it.

Several month agao after spending time with this lad, she sent me a text "Whos ******?" (her dads first name) I totally panicked and didn't reply and she never mentioned it ever so I didn't, but I wonder if he suggested sending that text to see what my reaction would be. I wondered then though if she knew anything, my family thought I'd be suprised by how much she would already know, but surly if she had any idea at all she would ask me?

There was a lot of things going on at that time, I'd just started a new job and split up with my boyfriend of 5 years and bacially bottled it again. But my parents kept on at me, my conscience too. I bumped into her grandmother again, she made it clear that they want a relationship with her and that I was the only that was stopping them.

My daughter is currently 17 and has a lovely boyfriend and is much happier. She is loving with me and her sister now and is great in every way, so pleasent and happy and willing to help me in anyway, it breaks my heart knowing that she will probably hate me when I tell her. I'd hate to lose that closeness we have found and worried that she won't be strong enough to handle the truth and do something to harm herself again, I have never told her but I get thoughts like that myself when I'm very upset.

On Thursday last week I had a withheld call, it was her grandmother. She had been shopping with her grandson and bumped into her and some of her friends, he introduced her and she didn't flinch suggesting she doesn't know anything. She said that this has gone on long enough now and I need to tell her. I can't have someone else tell her this kind of news, I need to control the situation and tell her as carefully and sensitivly as possible.

So, I think the time has come when I have to do it and tell my beautiful daughter that her dad is not her biological father. And eventually she will be told about her other family that seem to want her to become part of theirs, and that her friend is her cousin, in fact she has several cousins that she may already know (I have noticed that her boyfriend is friends with some of them) And that she has two half sisters that are as related to her as her little sister is.

I plan to begin by reassurning her of my love for her, and her dads love for her. He has always been a great father for her and that will never change and she is my daughter that I love and adore. But after that I think I will just have to see how it goes and what questions she asks. It will be asuch a lot to take in so I don't plan to tell her everything in one go.

Can anyone advise me any further? I just want to make this as painless as possible for her (and her sister when I explain things to her)

I know what I have done as wrong, but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I did what I did because at the time I thought it was best and not to mislead her, I never had any intention of letting this go to the grave with me.

I've always known she deserves to know the truth and her family also deserve to know the beautiful girl that she is and have her a part of their lives too. I'm crying like a baby writing this so please don't be too harsh on me.

Thank you

xxxxxx

MrsTinks

First - please remove her name from your post protect her idenetity

Second - she has a dad and she has a biological father - don't confuse the two. Being a sperm donor is NOT the same as being a father or a dad. As far as I can see then her "real" dad was little more than the provider of half her genes.

Tell her the truth - yes you should have done it long ago but hindsight is a wonderfull thing - just tell her EVERYTHING - why you haven't told her earlier, how upset her "dad" was at the thought of her not thinking of him as "dad" etc.
You divorced/split and he STILL continued to be her dad... that says a lot for him in my book

DKLS

rockfan wrote: »

I know what I have done as wrong, but there is nothing I can do to change the past. I did what I did because at the time I thought it was best and not to mislead her, I never had any intention of letting this go to the grave with me.

Firstly have a hug.

I know very little about children, but do know one thing, they don't come with an instruction book, you can only make decisions that you think are for the best, sometimes we get them right and sometimes we get them wrong.

I had a situation where my true grandad wasn't revealed to me until after his death, which is when a lot of the jigsaw pieces of me life started slotting together.

That did leave a lot of anger and resentment with me, mainly for my real grandad who as a "family friend" played a huge part in my upbringing, yet I was most angry for him as he couldnt call me grandson and he was gone and too late.
Looking back I can now forgive, as what he did was a big deal in the 1950s but not a big deal at all these days.

All I can suggest is you tell your daughter everything, like you have here, I am sure she will be angry, confused as well as a whole host of emotions, but in time she will understand and hopefully forgive you.

My mum made plenty of mistakes, and there have been times I havent liked her at all, but I do love her and forgive her for the things she did.

jackieglasgow

It's not as easy as that Mrs Tine. OP do you mind if I pm you?

concerned43

I think you have to do this quickly before she finds out from someone else. I think you have to sit her down and explain to her the detail but also why you did not tell her as I think she would be very angry that you did not tell her before. Hope it goes well ...but be prepared for lots of questions and anger

rockfan

Thank you so much for your comments, Jackie of course you can PM me.

Mr Tine, I have now removed her name, thank you x

MrsTinks

jackieglasgow wrote: »

It's not as easy as that Mrs Tine. OP do you mind if I pm you?

It is... if she doesn't come clean and about everything then she'll find out herself when she starts asking questions... and I'm willing to bet she'll be twice as angry if she finds out her mum has STILL lied or hidden things from her after coming clean...

MrsTinks

rockfan wrote: »

Mr Tine, I have now removed her name, thank you x

You left one in

jackieglasgow

MrsTine wrote: »

Second - she has a dad and she has a biological father - don't confuse the two. Being a sperm donor is NOT the same as being a father or a dad. As far as I can see then her "real" dad was little more than the provider of half her genes.

Tell her the truth - yes you should have done it long ago but hindsight is a wonderfull thing - just tell her EVERYTHING - why you haven't told her earlier, how upset her "dad" was at the thought of her not thinking of him as "dad" etc.
You divorced/split and he STILL continued to be her dad... that says a lot for him in my book

This is the bit I was referring to. In the eyes of the child, it isn't as simple in that, is what I should have said.

Pepzofio

jackieglasgow wrote: »

This is the bit I was referring to. In the eyes of the child, it isn't as simple in that, is what I should have said.

In fairness, I would say that is dependent on the child and their relationship with their 'dad'.

mumslave

I was brought up believing my step mum to be my mother. I dont think it was ever really kept from me as such, just I was that young when my parents split, I didnt know any different. However, finding out I had a 'different' mother completely destroyed my world to be honest and it has never been the same since. The family I had suddenly changed, the people I trusted most in the world had not been honest with me, I have never really felt I belonged anywhere as such since. Even at the age of 25.

I appreciate your child is not me, but you need to tell her and be prepared that yes, she may be very very angry with you. But ultimately she will hopefully accept that you were doing what you thought was best...and even parents make mistakes. I got there in the end. Just dont expect too much from her and give her plenty of time for it to sink in. Please also dont indulge in any stories about who did what, you know, anti the other parent stories. Be as supportive as you can towards her and put your own feelings aside for now. Good luck.

Oh and interestingly, my best friend in school turned out to be my cousin too.