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Please help - about to tell my daughter about her father
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Letting the grandmother know is an idea yes, but please remember that if your daughter really has no idea, this is all going to come as a very huge shock to her, and people she barely or doesnt know at all, coming forward expecting her to treat them as 'grandma' etc could very well be overwhelming for her. You really need to go at her pace. Once you tell her, its up to her to call the shots, if you want to help her get her head round things.:starmod:Sealed Pot Challenge Member 1189:starmod:0
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Oh my god please tell your daughter the truth!
I was devastated when I found out that I had 3 half siblings, and that my father was married to another woman for almost 14 years of my life. It really really hurt me to my bone and took me about 2 years to get over it, because they kept it a secret from me for nearly 25 years. Your daughter has the right to know the truth (she probably knows something is not quite right), so that she can deal with the situation however she needs to.0 -
Be honest with your daughter, she deserves it.
Tell her you love her, her stepdad loves her and you and he have been very stupid and you hope she will forgive you.
Then tell her who she is. We are all entitled to know who we are......................I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
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Be honest with your daughter, she deserves it.
Tell her you love her, her stepdad loves her and you and he have been very stupid and you hope she will forgive you.
Then tell her who she is. We are all entitled to know who we are.
Absolutely agree with the above. you spent years avoiding the truth which your daughter deserves to know. The only person you were protecting was her step father. he was selfish, and as an adult thinking only of himself. The longterm implications were put to one side because he could not bear it. Tell her, and do it now, the longer you leave it, the harder it will get. Yes you will have to deal with the fall out, but what you give is what you get. Tell her the truth, that it was done stupidly, out of love, and then take it from there. Sorry if that sounds hard. it isnt meant to. Good luck x0 -
My Mum did this, got married again when I was young and my sister and I grew up believing he was our real Dad, until they divorced when I was 16 and Mum told us the truth. This girl is lucky in that her Step Dad is a good Dad, my Step Dad was a child molester so I already hated him.
My "Dad" also was the one who insisted my Mum never told us. I cant understand why he would want to do that as everyone else around them at the time knew he wasnt!
I just want to add to anyone in a similar situation, you must tell your kids the truth from the start.“A budget is telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went.” - Dave Ramsey0 -
please tell her the truth, i have experience of a close family member not being told they were adopted, it all came out when they had to apply for their passport. they were devestated, trouble is though the longer it went on the harder it was to tell. person was very angry, upset and shocked but they came round in time especially when the rest of the family told them what their parents had gone through to get them and how loved and adored they were.
sorry to be vague but i dont want to add anything that might identify them iykwim'We're not here for a long time, we're here for a good time0 -
I can only speak from personal experience. I found out by chance when I was 21 that the man who had brought me up wasn't my flesh and blood. I questioned my birth certifcate which wasn't issued at my birth and the whole story came out. I took it well, very well, I think I always knew there was something different about me. I remember speaking to an old family friend who said she was sure I knew.
I would say your daughter knows something, she is testing you, she wants you to tell her.
My brother isn't the biological father of my nephew and they didn't tell him, although I begged my sister in law to . When he was 15 and they were applying for a passport they had to send his adoption certificate away, his passport along with the adoption certificate came back addressed to him. He saw it and misunderstood thinking his mum and dad had both adopted him not realising that his mum had carried him and given birth to him.
I can understand how difficult this is for you, but she has a chance of an extended family. Something I didn't. Think how better your relationship with her could be not having this secret between you. Thinking of you x:rotfl: l love this site!! :rotfl:0 -
OMG!!! I've just remebered something which I can't believe I've forgotten. Someone I know was told by someone "well meaning" at her mother's funeral when she was about twenty, I think, that her father was not her natural father. She never got the chance to ask her mother of the truth surrounding her conception. the step father didn't know, or want to know, so he couldn't give her any info either. Can't believe I'd forgotten that.
That just compounds everything else that's been said here today rockfan. !It's what is inside your head that matters in life - not what's outside your windowEvery worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory. - Ghandi0 -
Rockfan - I so hope that you are off-line because you are telling your daughter the truth at long last.
It takes courage to admit and confront mistakes but if you never speak out, you'll never put it right and you'll never have peace.
When you've got the truth out into the open, I reckon you owe your daughter's grandmother a huge bouquet of flowers simply because she could have caused absolute devastation with just a single sentence; she has also been constant in her desire to give your daughter her love.
You must be a special kind of lady yourself for your 'mother in law' to have held back. Logic tells me that if you were a lousy Mum, all this would have come out years ago .. so be kind to yourself and despite the folly of your silence all these years, give yourself a major pat on the back for being the kind of Mum that earned such deep respect and forbearance.
I shall be thinking of you all over the coming days. Good luck.0 -
I am so grateful for all your comments and suggestions. We have just returned from a family meal to celebrate my mums birthday, my daughter is tired and has a long day at college tomorrow so she is already in bed, tonight was not the time to do this, but I will and soon.
Thank you again, it means a lot that I have had this feedback. I felt tearful watching my girl so happy and bubbly this evening knowing I'm about to shake her world up and sick at the thought of doing it xx0
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