Please help - about to tell my daughter about her father

emsywoo123

**Upsy_Daisy** wrote: »

So...what is a good age?

I found out that my older sister and 2 brothers weren't my older sister and 2 brothers when I was around 8 and that they were from dad's previous marriage
Someone in my class told me on the way home from school:eek:
It was never, and has never been discussed within my family
My parents both died around 5 years ago and it was never discussed but generally "known"
I have a bit of a bombshell about sperm donation to drop on mine (currently 3 and 7)
Is there such a thing as a good age, good time?
DH doesn't want to tell them at all, but they will find out and I don't want them to hate us for not having told them
DH found out something similar about his brother at his mums funeral
Families, too many secrets...
So glad you're out in the open Rockfan, far healthier - well done

UD

UD, this thread has also made me think about the conversation I need to have with my DD. She is 6, knows that my OH of 2 years is not her father, but is not aware she ever had one.......he was an incredibly violent man (to her, as a baby) no contact since she was 6 weeks old, when it happened and he was arrested. Thank God. How the hell am I going to have that conversation. And I know it needs to be had before she knows about birds and bees, i.e. about 6 months. The whole sperm doner situation thing makes me want to heave.
Apologies for going slightly OT.:o

paddy's_mum

emsywoo - at your daughter's tender age, you don't need to go into any detail at all. You can happily, and truthfully, get away with saying "he was unkind to you" and "I didn't want to be friends with him any more" and leave it at that.

Even if your girl has only ever been to playgroup, she will already know that there are some 'unkind' people around - the ones who grab the purple crayon just to stop her getting it; the ones who barge their way through the door, bruising others; the ones who hog the swing despite being told it's someone else's turn.

You'll be laying the truthful foundations for more information at a much later stage, when it is appropriate and she is able to make sense of it. Give her only what information she must have, keeping it simple and within the realms of her own experience of the world. Hope that is of help.

NAR

Oh Rockfan, this sounds like a very positive start to what seemed to you a potential nightmare. I'm sure she will have lots to ask and I'm sure you will do your best to cover everything. I'm sure she will look forward to a relationship with her grandparents, when she realises they have been in contact with you over the years. Good luck.

CG77

paddy's_mum wrote: »

emsywoo - at your daughter's tender age, you don't need to go into any detail at all. You can happily, and truthfully, get away with saying "he was unkind to you" and "I didn't want to be friends with him any more" and leave it at that.

Even if your girl has only ever been to playgroup, she will already know that there are some 'unkind' people around - the ones who grab the purple crayon just to stop her getting it; the ones who barge their way through the door, bruising others; the ones who hog the swing despite being told it's someone else's turn.

You'll be laying the truthful foundations for more information at a much later stage, when it is appropriate and she is able to make sense of it. Give her only what information she must have, keeping it simple and within the realms of her own experience of the world. Hope that is of help.

I agree with this emsy, although I might change the phrase 'he was unkind to you' as this will almost certainly attract the question 'What did he do to me?' which could in turn force you to give more info than you'd want to at this stage. I'm in a similarish situation, in that when my little one gets older we'll have to tell him some things which are going to be very difficult for him to hear and having done lots of research and work on it, I'd say a phrase like 'He didn't know how to be a good Daddy to you' is quite a good one. Maybe talk about people being good at certain things (sport, drawing, singing etc) and others not being good at those things and tell her that he was not good at being a Daddy?

HTH and all the best. It's hard, I know.

CG. x

rockfan

We have talked more this evening, she hasn't asked any questions so I went ahead and told her as much as I could and that I'd answer any questions she had in the future.

When I told her his name she said that her cousin had come up to her for the first time in college and told her that her dad wasn't her real dad, her dad was called ******* (her biological fathers name) but she dismissed him and the idea completly at the time , thinking he was a nutcase, and he never mentioned it again even though they became friends.

She says she is glad I told her, she is still very loving towards me but I think it's going to take a while to sink in and she will go through a range of emotions. I've explained about how her natural grandparents would like to get to know her but that's completly her decision and that I'll support her whatever she decides. I still have to tell her sister what's going on, she knows something isn't right.

Xxx

savingmummy

well done for telling your daughter. It sounds as if she took it really well and obviously you both have a fantastic relationship for this ending to be a happy one.
Good luck with the future and take care od her, she may need your shoulder while `meeting` and getting used to her family x

BLUis

Hi Rockfan. Just read all the posts and just wanted to say that I hope everything is alright with you all.

My son is almost 7, his sperm donor (I thought I was the only one who used this phrase!!! lol) has never seen him and I have no desire for him to be in his life. He has a Dad (we have been together for 3 years) who loves him as his own, but he knows that he isn't his 'real' dad. He actually asked me about him a couple of months ago, I gave him a 'synopsis' of what had happened. He listened to what I said and then said, can I go and play now??? I had been dreading the time when he asked me about him and I'm sure it won't be the last time he asks me about him, but I'm glad he knows the basics now.

I hope your daughter understands why you did what you did. I'm sure she will. Best wishes, Love and hugs to you.

Willow195

So glad to hear you told her.

I was a child who didn't know her dad wasn't her 'biological dad' until the grand age of 30 and it hurt when I finally was told.

I had a whole range of emotions at 30 and it was still raw last year (at 32) when I was getting married and had to put my dad on my marriage certificate as step father - after getting special permission.

Good luck and best wishes

Lunar_Eclipse

**Upsy_Daisy** wrote: »

So...what is a good age?

UD

Well it depends on so many things.

In your case, probably the sooner the better. The younger the children are, the easier it will be. The conversation should be short and sweet and very matter of fact. Young children won't have their social emotional implications guard on, so to speak.

As they get older, it becomes much more of a big deal and a breeding ground for so many things IMO.

Rockfan, well done. You're doing great.

DVardysShadow

BLUis wrote: »

... He actually asked me about him a couple of months ago, I gave him a 'synopsis' of what had happened. He listened to what I said and then said, can I go and play now??? I had been dreading the time when he asked me about him and I'm sure it won't be the last time he asks me about him, but I'm glad he knows the basics now.

Sounds like you have got into a good position there! He comes and asks for what he wants to take in and he knows the doors are open to talk.