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Please help - about to tell my daughter about her father
Comments
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jackieglasgow wrote: »I've already given the OP my opinion privately, but I have to say that I think doing it in writing is absolutely not the way to go with this.
I agree. I might write it down to read to her, if I felt it was going to be such an upsetting situation I might not be able to explain myself coherently, but however well intentioned, a letter is likely to be read as 'Great - she couldn't even be bothered to/didn't dare tell me to my face'.0 -
I would agree with Jackie Glasgow - I can't think of a worse way to find out about something like this than reading it in a letter. It might be a good idea to have written a letter beforehand to organise your thoughts and to give to your daughter if it seems appropriate once you've talked, but if you're worried about going off on a tangent or being interrupted, then I think you'll just have to take it as it comes and try to give her all the information she wants initially.
You won't be doing her any favours if you try and tell the story 'your' way (not that there's anything wrong with that per se of course) but you never know how she might take it - we all react oddly when we hear big news, and if she wants to clarify some detail which seems unimportant to you, I think you owe it to her to let her get her questions out and answer them honestly even you might have other ideas about how to tell the facts. You can't insist on getting everything in the right order or attributing each individual decision or action to the correct person up front - once the dust settles a bit you will have a chance to clarify anything you think she might have misunderstood, so let her ask anything she wants and don't try to justify your decisions or escape the blame as that might make her feel as though you're only telling her because you want to get your side in first.
Good luck - I am sure you're terrified at the moment and have imagined every worst case scenario so at least let yourself look forward to the relief of not having to keep the secret any more.0 -
Rockfan; I can't believe you didn't tell her as soon as you knew she was hanging around with her half siblings. Please tell her as soon as you can and please don't do it in writing; if she has a letter and she doesn't know yet then it could tear her apart - every comma, spelling mistake, bad phrasing will be with her forever.
And please do it ASAP! And tell her the full works; from start to finish.0 -
You have to sit her down and tell, but I wouldn't be surprised if she has perhaps guessed half of it anyway.
The man that has brought her up and the one she refers to as Dad is her Dad to her, and I doubt anything will change that.
When my bro-in-law married he adopted her toddler daughter, they went on to have another child of thier own. They divorced. It was only when one of the mothers subsequent boyfriends threatened to tell the girl (who was then about 17) the truth that the girl was told the truth. Her only concern was that her 'dad' that had brought her up would reject her and vice versa. Everything was fine.0 -
paddy's_mum wrote: »... The ramifications of your silence could well be endless and your daughter would be fully entitled to be mad as hell with you for what she will almost certainly see as your cowardice. You've set her up for massive humiliation -"everyone knew but me" - as well as having deprived her of the natural love of her other family. You might be wise to have step-Dad there when you tell her so that at least he can confirm that you kept quiet at his behest and be man enough to shoulder some of the blame. You may find that she half-knew/understood far more than you realise.I would agree with Jackie Glasgow - I can't think of a worse way to find out about something like this than reading it in a letter. It might be a good idea to have written a letter beforehand to organise your thoughts and to give to your daughter if it seems appropriate once you've talked, but if you're worried about going off on a tangent or being interrupted, then I think you'll just have to take it as it comes and try to give her all the information she wants initially.
It could start off:
"Dad and I made a decision years ago and we now realise that we have made a mistake and been dreadfully unfair to you. It is such a terrible mistake, that I don't trust myself to be able to tell you about it without making a right mess of it. I would make it easier for me if you would let me tell you, but if it goes wrong, I have written it all down here. Now let me tell you ..."Hi, we’ve had to remove your signature. If you’re not sure why please read the forum rules or email the forum team if you’re still unsure - MSE ForumTeam0 -
Thank you so much for your comments and advice. I think writing this down has actually helped to organise my thoughts. I won't do this via letter although I know that would be easier for me. I owe it to my daughter to tell her face to face where I can hold and comfort her if she will let me.
Some comments have been hard to take but constructive and I'm gratfeful for your honesty. I will keep you updated. Thank you again xxx0 -
Do try and build up the strength to tell her, as like some one said she will want to know. One good thing is that her other side of her family would like to know and meet her, which is definately a good thing. At 23 my dads mum still doesn't know i exist as he has other children and at her age he thinks she wouldn't be pleased knowing that she actually has another granddaughter. She will probably want to meet the rest of the family in time, and some of the other family may or may not want to meet, as i have found myself that 2 of my half sisters have not wanted to meet, nor have my uncles, but that was their choice. The main thing is to be honest with your daughter as to why it happened, and that you will help her through it as best as you can by providing information that helps her help herself in realising about the whole family. Good luck, and you are doing the right thing.:T:T :beer: :beer::beer::beer: to the lil one
:beer::beer::beer:
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Just wanted to add, please don't get overemotional and weepy......you are the adult and you've known for a long time - this is about her and you need to support her if she needs it, not put her in the position of having to comfort you. She may be OK of course so you'll need to be prepared to answer any questions she may have.
I was a lot younger, but when my mum told me similar news she became very upset. It scared me and made me feel I'd upset my mum and so I didn't ask any further details for years...actually EVER as there were tears every time the subject was vaguely touched upon - I'm 48 now, so I know we'll never sit and have a comfortable natter about it! What I did was snoop about and piece together bits of info. I suspect your daughter may have done a bit of this already.0 -
What a hard thing to have to do, OP. I'm not going to offer any advice regarding how to tell this daughter as everyone has done a fantastic job of that already.
What I will advise, though, is to be sure you tell your other daughter asap. I was in a similar situation - I thought that my father was also my sisters - my sister was told the truth but I was not as "it wasn't my business"!. I found out several months later when my sister told me. I was 11 at the time and I felt so hurt and upset that I had been left to carry on believing something when everyone in my close family knew it wasn't true. Even as an adult I still find it impossible to understand why it was decided not to tell me.
I hope everything goes well for you.0 -
Hi
You might also want to let grandmother know that you will be telling her shortly and that you will send a message as soon as possible after the event, so that she can try and help. It sounds like she would like to help if she can.If you've have not made a mistake, you've made nothing0
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