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Please help - about to tell my daughter about her father
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Be prepared for a very angry daughter. It may take her some time to forgive you, even though you had your reasons. Just be willing to answer all of her questions.
Good luckCurrent debt: M&S £0(£2K) , Tesco £0 (£1.5K), Car loan 6K (paid off!) Barclaycard £1.5K (interest free for 18 months)0 -
Please also dont indulge in any stories about who did what, you know, anti the other parent stories. Be as supportive as you can towards her and put your own feelings aside for now. Good luck.
Thank you, I am not going to do this...
My ex husband and I get along fine, I am not going to blame him for this now. Ultimatly it was probably my decision and I went along with his wishes but I did it jointly with him and I have never had a bad word to say about him either to the children or anyone else xx0 -
thats good, there was a lot of mudslinging done with my situation and it never does anyoneany favours.I can't have someone else tell her this kind of news, I need to control the situation and tell her as carefully and sensitivly as possible.
This is correct, if she doesnt already know, I suspect she may have an idea...then it would be best coming from you. But accept now, that you are not going to be able to control the situation. Once you tell her, she may well become very resentful and any suggestions you do make about what she should do next ect, may be rebuffed.:starmod:Sealed Pot Challenge Member 1189:starmod:0 -
Agree with Mrs Tine, tell her EVERYTHING. Don't leave any more details out as if these come out in the future she is going to be even more upset. Your post suggests that perhaps she has an idea that her stepdad is not her biological dad but maybe she didn't want to upset you by persuing the matter.
She needs to know asap especially if she is friends with her relations - how would she feel if she didn't know & ended up kissing one of them? I know you said she has a bf but 17 year olds do chop and change regularly.
I don't think your other daughter should be in the house when you tell her (although you are going to need to tell her as well) and be prepared for probably a lot of crying and shouting about how unfair it is that she was kept from her father's biological family. In the end, if you tell her the same as you have told us she will understand. Your realise you made a mistake but you weren't doing this for malicious reasons, only because you and your husband loved her.
I hope it goes well for you, don't put it off now make a decision of when you are going to tell her and just bite the bullet.
(((Hugs))):happylove DD July 2011:happyloveAug 13 [STRIKE]£4235.19[/STRIKE]:eek: £2550.00 :cool:0 -
do you think she could already knows more than you think? especially if she text asking you who xxxxxxx is?0
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Deliver the news before someone else does - be 100% honest and answer all questions that arise. Hope it all works out for you.0
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Your comment that you "need to control the situation" is what hit my ears the hardest. Hindsight is, I agree, 20/20 vision but you have been controlling this situation for many, many years too long. All those missed opportunities when you put concerns for the feelings of a man, presumably grown up enough to be able to deal with them, a long way before the protection of your own child.
Did it never occur to you when your girl started meeting other young people (among them genetically close kin) that an unplanned, incestuous pregnancy could occur? The ramifications of your silence could well be endless and your daughter would be fully entitled to be mad as hell with you for what she will almost certainly see as your cowardice. You've set her up for massive humiliation -"everyone knew but me" - as well as having deprived her of the natural love of her other family. You might be wise to have step-Dad there when you tell her so that at least he can confirm that you kept quiet at his behest and be man enough to shoulder some of the blame. You may find that she half-knew/understood far more than you realise.
I wish you well and I'm sorry if you see my comments as harsh but you've spent years sitting on top of a timebomb. Deal with it today, sensitively or otherwise, but get the truth out into the open before it blows up in your face and destroys everything.0 -
I think you know exactly what to say, you've already put it all in your post, if you cut out the mention of her overdose, I think you can pretty much hand it to her and tell her how you just didn't know how to tell her. You post expresses so clearly how much you care, how much you wanted to tell her and why you didn't. It shows no bad feeling to anyone.
Also by giving it to her in a writen form, she will be able to go over it again, once her initial reaction passes.
Please let us know how you chose to go forward with this and how you get on.0 -
I agree on telling her in written form. It will enable her to digest all of the info without asking questions as you are trying to explain, and things go off on a tangent or you forget details you wanted to include. Tell her you will answer ANY questions she has as much as you can.
I must say though, it does sound like she already has an idea of what is going on or may even know quite a bit but doesn't want to let on. It may be a relief for both of you to get it all out in the open.0 -
I've already given the OP my opinion privately, but I have to say that I think doing it in writing is absolutely not the way to go with this.It's what is inside your head that matters in life - not what's outside your windowEvery worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory. - Ghandi0
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