if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

tandraig

swiss69 wrote: »

I agree he should provide for his current partner and child in the event of his death..... A will would do the job just as well as a marriage.

Only if he made one!

I do know of a couple who lived together for over thirty years, no kids. he died intestate.
the poor woman lost everything. unfortunately it all went to blood relatives who hadnt seen him for years. she lost her financial support, her home, an almost her sanity. a good friend of mine, she had made her will, but he kept saying, oh youre my common law wife you will be ok. well he was wrong! she wasnt and it makes me so mad, a quick trip down the register office and she would have been ok, or even if the stupid man had made a will.

daska

swiss69 wrote: »

I agree he should provide for his current partner and child in the event of his death..... A will would do the job just as well as a marriage.

In the event of death a will MIGHT do the job just as well except... No it wouldn't, because wills can be inaccurate, badly written, lost and most importantly changed without the beneficiary being informed. A wife/civil partner has more rights in the event of a death than a co-habitee does - that was one of the primary reasons for same-sex couples wanting the law changed.

ceridwen

brians_daughter wrote: »

No nothing has triggered it as such. They are now back on an even keel (there were talks of redundancies etc but the jobs are safe now) So, she simply said to him 'you said we would get engaged and start planning the wedding once things settled down, well the house is done, the kids are all ok and we know our jobs are safe.. so what do you think?' He replied he didnt wanna get married any more as he couldnt see the point in it.

Funnily enough the guy in question was in the pub with my brother a few weeks back and my brother was moaning about his girlfriend and the guy in question said how happy he was atm and he had 'picked a good un'

But isnt that the thing though - that you honestly dont think that a particular thing is that important - but if it keeps your partner happy then you think "no big deal to me - but if it will keep them happy - then do it".

I understand if she wants a "meringue wedding" - as that costs a lot of money and takes a lot of organising. However - if she is prepared to accept an intimate/small/cheap occasion - so she gets the marriage ceremony BUT he gets the low cost and no hassle - then that could be the way to go.

ceridwen

ameliarate wrote: »

There are two sides to this story and everyobody is accusing this man of lying and getting what he wants by cajoling her with promises, but you know it could simply be that she heard what she wanted to hear
Her: "I think we should get married"
Him: "maybe we will one day when things are settled but I don't really want to get married, don't see the point"
She hears, yes once the baby is born I will marry you.

We are assuming a lot really not having been privvy to these conversations.

..and that is certainly a good point.

I am one of the first to condemn people for deliberately lying - but I am also very well aware that many many people hear what they want to hear/see what they want to see....

swiss69

daska wrote: »

In the event of death a will MIGHT do the job just as well except... No it wouldn't, because wills can be inaccurate, badly written, lost and most importantly changed without the beneficiary being informed. A wife/civil partner has more rights in the event of a death than a co-habitee does - that was one of the primary reasons for same-sex couples wanting the law changed.

If the will is changed without the beneficiary being informed then maybe that is beacuse the person writing the will didn't want them to inherit anything...........?

A correctly written will (Done via a solicitor not one of those cheap ones that you can get) would do the job.

The key to all of this though is that there a 2 children to think about.

This man might be the most loving man on the planet, adore his kids, be faithful (Unlike many many married men!) and hard working....

Would you really leave a man because of this in the hope that there may be a better one out there who will want to come along and take on two kids and marry you? Doesn't seem sensible to me

daska

swiss69 wrote: »

If the will is changed without the beneficiary being informed then maybe that is beacuse the person writing the will didn't want them to inherit anything...........?

A correctly written will (Done via a solicitor not one of those cheap ones that you can get) would do the job.

The key to all of this though is that there a 2 children to think about.

This man might be the most loving man on the planet, adore his kids, be faithful (Unlike many many married men!) and hard working....

Would you really leave a man because of this in the hope that there may be a better one out there who will want to come along and take on two kids and marry you? Doesn't seem sensible to me

Or a will is changed because the person writing it is coerced?

A correctly written will makes not one iota of difference [STRIKE]in a divorce[/STRIKE] if you split up with someone you're not married to.

Would you really stay with a person who'd decided that after 10 years you weren't worth marrying any more?
(I don't think the OP intimated that her friend is looking for someone else, just reeling from the discovery that he's no longer prepared to make that commitment.)

ceridwen

Kay_Peel wrote: »

If he's not prepared to regularise the arrangement even though his OH feels vulnerable and insecure about it, then that speaks volumes about him. A decent man would have the security of his family foremost in his mind.

Totally agree.

As a "woman of a certain age" by now I am very very well aware that my father has made mistakes in his judgement as to "how to" - BUT I am quite certain that he has always had the welfare of his wife (my mother) and his children there at the forefront of his thinking at all times. Hence why I firmly believe that that is something children are entitled to have. Every child has an absolute right to know that their parents have put their welfare as high priority and have done what they can to ensure they have security.

swiss69

daska wrote: »

Or a will is changed because the person writing it is coerced?

A correctly written will makes not one iota of difference [STRIKE]in a divorce[/STRIKE] if you split up with someone you're not married to.

Would you really stay with a person who'd decided that after 10 years you weren't worth marrying any more?
(I don't think the OP intimated that her friend is looking for someone else, just reeling from the discovery that he's no longer prepared to make that commitment.)

We dont know how strong his " We will get married one day was" Maybe as another poster said, the lady in question heard the answer she wanted to hear! We don't know........

Before walking away she needs to think what life will be like

1. On her own with 2 kids to look after.

2. With undoubtedly less money

3. Without her partner who she may then have to watch start a new life with someone else.

4. Eventually try to find this person who will marry her ( Not many of those knocking down the doors of the churches as far as i can see )

Sometimes you should look at what you have, realise how lucky you are and get on with it. Yes maybe he is in the wrong for not wanting to marry but there may be a reason for this and one that he perhaps needs to address but to issue ultimatems in my opinion is wrong.

daska

swiss69 wrote: »

We dont know how strong his " We will get married one day was" Maybe as another poster said, the lady in question heard the answer she wanted to hear! We don't know........

Before walking away she needs to think what life will be like

1. On her own with 2 kids to look after.

2. With undoubtedly less money

3. Without her partner who she may then have to watch start a new life with someone else.

4. Eventually try to find this person who will marry her ( Not many of those knocking down the doors of the churches as far as i can see )

Sometimes you should look at what you have, realise how lucky you are and get on with it. Yes maybe he is in the wrong for not wanting to marry but there may be a reason for this and one that he perhaps needs to address but to issue ultimatems in my opinion is wrong.

I agree. But that doesn't mean it's the right thing for her to do. Nor does it mean that the various suggestions made on this thread about changing your name by deed poll and/or getting a decent will gives you a level of protection in any way comparable to that 'little bit of paper'.

It's all too easy to avoid thinking about what happens if things go wrong and forget to take basic precautions for your long term health (and that applies in any context: emotional, physical or financial).

Gravesendgirl

What an awful situation, and one IMO could have been avoided if only your friends OH had been honest in the beginning about his feelings on marriage. Only your friend knows if she is prepared to walk out on what she does have.

My OH is not keen on getting married but he has never hidden this from me and therefore it has been my choice whether to stay in the full knowledge that he might never marry me. Regardless of others opinions on the importance of marriage itself the emotional and symbolic importance of it to your friend is something only she knows. Personally, the thought of never marrying upsets me greatly but it is my choice to choose my OH and the life we have.

I hope that your friend can work though this with her OH.