if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

Pee

I think that me and my boyfriend have decided that we will not marry, because I am against marriage and the rights being given by law. That doesn't mean that we are not a team or that I am not completely commited. I know so many people who are married and even make a fuss about this special status and do not have the same level of respect, equality and commitment that we have. (I also know many people who are married and do have, I don't mean that marriage is bad, but I don't feel that it is for me.)

My boyfriend has said that he would like to get married, especially if we have children. We have had the logical discussion and I think we are agreed that there is no need. If however we have a child and he feels more strongly about it, or for any other reason feels more strongly about it, if it bothers him, I will happily marry him.

He wouldn't have to issue an ultimatium, just ask.

If he did issue an ultimatium, I'd feel like marriage was more important to him than I am... and then I'm not so sure I would want to marry him.

I have some friends who have been happy without getting married for years. the house is in his name, he earns a lot more than she does, through better health and a better mind and working longer hours. She is desparate to get married as it will give her some security "if they split up".

Marriage sometimes seems like a final fling, a last chance to make things work and even assets up for the big split. I agree that if you want to get married, you should hold out for that before you have children - possibly before you move in together. An ultimatium of six months or a year when you move in together would have a better chance of success. At this stage, I'm sure he is just scared that she is planning to leave and this will make it easier for her. (Possibly not the case if the house is in joint names.)

frostyspice

Pee wrote: »

I have some friends who have been happy without getting married for years. the house is in his name, he earns a lot more than she does, through better health and a better mind and working longer hours. She is desparate to get married as it will give her some security "if they split up".

And sometimes the 'split' is caused by death. He dies and she'll get nothing, unless he has specifically left her something in his will. She is right to want to get married.

Pee

Agreed. Everyone ought to make a Will specifying what will happen when they die. Otherwise of course a cohabitee can make a claim against an estate.

(Out of interest, in his Will he gives her a life interest so that on her death it will pass back to his nephews and neices.)

Marriage is not an alternative to proper planning, it can be part of that proper planning.

brians_daughter

well, seeing as this thread has re-surfaced i thought i had better give an update!

In answer to a few of the many questions re did she have selective hearing etc, he has voiced his intentions of marrying her many times - i and my oh have been present on at least 4 occassions that i can think of. Even going to the extents of him saying where he would like to marry who he would/wouldn't invite etc.

Anyway..She has given him 6 months to think things through. The mortgage is due to be assessed in summer and she has said he had til then to think about what had been discussed. They have both writtens pros/cons/fears/expectations down etc and shared them (i haven't asked for details it didnt seem proper somehow!)

He has said that its just not that important to him, but she is and if it will make her feel more 'secure' then he is willing to marry her. She has also voiced her concerns that he has on many occassions spoke of marriage and how he expected they would one day etc. She also raised the point that if he had no intention of marrying why did he say(unpromted) he had thought about where they would marry, who would be there etc . I think this made him see that he had actually given the impression that marriage was something they would do

Theya re booked in for councelling over the next few weeks so they can talk things through - she thinks its not needed but her oh is insisting on it

IMO, i am not too sure how i would feel on my wedding day knowing my OH was only there cause its a case of 'do it or loose it' but thats just me! I dont think i would 'get over' the fact that he is 'there' (ie at the alter/reg office etc) because if he wasnt i wouldnt be(long term) IYKWIM?

Errata

Good luck to them. I think doing something that she wants and he doesn't comes under the general heading of "I would do anything for her".

tandraig

I agree with Errata - and would add that sometimes you dont value what you have until you are in danger of losing it!
I am NOT going to get into the argument about women snaring men into marraige!!! I am not, am not, am
oh dammit - It was MEN who first instituted marraige and all its rules you pillock!!! simply to protect their own interests! its taken women thousands of years to achieve the 'almost' equality they have now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and that is all I have to say!

frostyspice

tandraig wrote: »

I am NOT going to get into the argument about women snaring men into marraige!!! I am not, am not, am
oh dammit - It was MEN who first instituted marraige and all its rules you pillock!!! simply to protect their own interests! its taken women thousands of years to achieve the 'almost' equality they have now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and that is all I have to say!

Sorry, that was such a good post I just had to quote it to get it on the thread again!!!

daska

tandraig wrote: »

I agree with Errata - and would add that sometimes you dont value what you have until you are in danger of losing it!
I am NOT going to get into the argument about women snaring men into marraige!!! I am not, am not, am
oh dammit - It was MEN who first instituted marraige and all its rules you pillock!!! simply to protect their own interests! its taken women thousands of years to achieve the 'almost' equality they have now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and that is all I have to say!

Well it had to be men that instituted it seeing as women weren't actually legal entities, merely chattel to be disposed of to best advantage.

And the hangovers from this are still around us. Get a joint bank account and who's name gets put first? How often do you see letters addressed to Mrs and Mr? Biased in favour of women? ROTFLMAO