if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

lostinrates

Lotus-eater wrote: »

OH so now we're getting married in case we split up? Romantic

You can go and get a will done very cheaply which sorts all that out. If a dad won't be with a child/put his name on the registration certificate, then I call into question his worth as a dad. And forcing this dad who doesn't want his kids, into marriage, does what?

One of the reasons marriage was important to us is because of the limitations DH suffered when i was incapable of making my own medical dicisions. There is NO ONE, no one at ll who I want other than me making those decisions, and as lovely as they are, my parents were not the ones caring for me and frnakly, DH knows be better.

If he is in that position again, I want him to do want he needs to do and what he knows I'd want done.

We were brought up in different cultural and religius (or otherwise) backgrounds. We had a civil ceremony based on the legality our society values (and yes, other societies , including remote ones often have cultural impositions/traditions round responsibilty and living together!) and maintain the love we have that needs none of his. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Regardless of moral and religios position the legal postition is separate and very valid. There is no need to make a song and dance over the ceremony (we didn't) and we didn't feel more/less secure (other than the comfort of time) in our relationship...and yet we both find marriage is diferent for us, equally wonderful, but different. I find I love being a ''Mrs'' in a way I had not predicted I would (in fact I retianed my maiden name too, in case of returning to work it made sense for professional reasons) and yet, I now feel totally a Mrs Lostinrates, and wouldn't have it any other way.

I wouldn't be leaving a ten year relationship over this issue: but then I don't think I would have let it become a situation of children/financial commitment without some assurance of the legal rights....I'm just not a drifter in that way, I would have made the decision before hand whether to accept it or not/marry or not as the various ''situations'' of pregnancy/home ownership evolved. I feel that in not making a stand before this the OP's friend has as much been ''untruthful'' about her feelings as her bloke is being described as being.

I really get very frustrated with people taking a moral high ground in either argument: morally I couldn't gve a stuff about what people choose to do: legally there is a difference, and rightly: some people do choose not to ''form a union'' of any sort for their own reasons, and others do. I feel these rights should be available to everyone, and am very pro civil union (which I see as know different from my own civil ceremony) for that reason.

Our respective spiritualities/lack thereof, are not in any way impacted by our civil marriage, but our legal position is.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I don't think that's as extreme or unusual as you seem to think it is.

I've known a couple of people like that in real life, in web life I've known a few as well.

Sorry what I meant was perhaps the chap has a hang up that is similar but not as severe. Social phobias are not that unusual really, but are sadly misunderstood and often mistaken just for shyness. Some can have very extreme reactions to social situations which make it impossible for them to face up to these situations which is what I meant by extreme - feeling that unable to face the situation that you would risk your relationship.

daska

I was just reading another thread and remembered back to this one

Common law - do I have any rights??

Lotus-eater

Katie-Kat-Kins wrote: »

which is what I meant by extreme - feeling that unable to face the situation that you would risk your relationship.

So did I.............

C_Mababejive

Only read the first few postings---its a common mistake made by both sexes. If your going to get involved with someone,know where your at at the beginning to some degree i.e views on children,marriage,ability to manage finances etc..all the core stuff. If the girl was marriage minded at the start,she should have found someone similar.

Some women simply want to get married so that they can finally let out a sigh of relief and think they are finally "settled down"..like a cowhand who manages to break in and tie down a wild colt.

If the law on divorce were not so skewed in favour of women,then more men would not have issues with marriage and it would be all the better for society...er..thats fictional society as there is no such thing as society.

Lotus-eater

C_Mababejive wrote: »

If the law on divorce were not so skewed in flavour of women,then more men would not have issues with marriage and it would be all the better for society.

Ouch


<sits back with coffee to watch the fallout from that one >

Person_one

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Some women simply want to get married so that they can finally let out a sigh of relief and think they are finally "settled down"..like a cowhand who manages to break in and tie down a wild colt.

If the law on divorce were not so skewed in favour of women,then more men would not have issues with marriage and it would be all the better for society

Yep, all women want is to 'catch' one of those elusive wild men. We're not interested in companionship, love, stability, co-parents and an equal partnership at all. Any will do as long its male and suitably housebroken.

Could you please direct me to the specific legislation that favours women? I thought everything was worded in a gender neutral way. Women are often seen to be benefitting more from a divorce but a lot of that is because they often sacrifice their earning capacity to raise children.

ERICS_MUM

ninky wrote: »

i don't think there is any point trying to make someone do something they really don't want to do.

she should either decide she is happy with the situation as it is or leave. does she really want to bully someone into marrying?

as for the surname thing, that is just silly. she could change her name by deedpole if she wanted to anyway. but i'm married and i haven't changed my name to my husbands. for most people i the world this is the normal state of affairs and they don't seem to have any problems with this (e.g. china).

however, it would be worth seeing a solicitor about the consequences of staying unmarried and making sure that wills etc are written to make sure all eventualities are covered regarding inheritance / pensions etc etc.[/QUOTE]

IMO this is the most important and relevant comment so far on this thread and should be your friend's main concern. Also who would look after the children if the worst should happen ?

I do hope your friend does not let this marriage issue sour their relationship. Personally I would be disappointed if "my man" would not do the thing that meant most to me just because it "doesn't mean anything" to him.

Linda :beer:

charlea

giving an ultimatum is nearly always a bad thing to do
if he gives in she will probably feel that he is doing so grudgingly if he dosent will she carry out her threat if she dont then she will always feel that she lost ect

question - did he really promise to marry her or did she only hear that he said we will get married at some point ( selective hearing)

they have two kids together which is in my opinion far more of a commitment than getting married

also ten years is a long time to be together is she hoping that by getting married it will change him because the people that i know who have gotten married after 10 years or so have all got divorced within 2/3 years they hoped that the marriage would make thing different but it dosent

is she more in love with the idea of the big day and the white wedding if he is a good dad and partner then dose the a piece of paper really matter more than her relationship and her kids happiness of having both parents that love each other rather than two that are married but not happy

the more she nags him and gives him ultimatums the more she will make him feel that he is right in not marrying her

Mrs_Imp

Appologies if this has all been said before, I don't have time at the mo to read all 7 pages.

It's an interesting situation. One wants to marry, the other doesn't. It's not a small thing that they're disagreeing about, like what colour to paint the kitchen, it's a big thing which will afect the rest of their lives. Either one person has to compromise or they have to go their separate ways. Does she love him enough to compromise on her dream? Does her love her enough to compromise on his beliefs? If they stay together but don't marry will she end up resenting him, or if they marry will he end up resenting her, especially if it's under duress? In which case it's best to part now rather than bring kids up in an atmosphere of resentment. The main point is that they each want very different things from the other.

I really think that they need to talk to someone about this - maybe a relationship counsellor. As one poster said, she's always been honest about her intentions, he's always been putting it off. Maybe not deliberately though. Maybe he didn't know his true feelings about marriage until he HAD to face up to it. I think she needs to back away from her ultimatum until they've had a proper chance to discuss things though. The extra pressure on him won't be helping at all and may make him retreat rather than think seriously about marriage.