if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

shazrobo

if marriage was that important to her, then she should have done it before having the kids.
i would find it very hard staying with someone who had lied to me for 10 years.
my current bf, dosent want marriage, and i'm fine with that, (been married and divorced once) but i stand my ground and wont have children with him. luckily i already had kids, so having more isnt a big deal to me

Marcheline

I am in a similar situation. Our DD wasn't planned, but my b/f seems happy not to get married at the mo, even though I am looking for this commitment from him.

However, I have refused to buy a house with him until we are married (we curently live with relatives) and I certainly won't be having any more children unless we are married. We have been together just under half the time your colleague has and I am considering leaving him if he won't commit to marriage in the foreseeable future. I also refused point blank to give our DD his surname until we are married (at that time I will be happy to change it by deed poll).

I wonder why your colleague decided to buy a house with him and have a further child if marriage was important to her? I would have woken up to the fact that I was being strung along a long time ago if I was her. I do feel for her, but if he's that bothered about her, he'll do the decent thing and marry her, rather than have his kids come from a broken home, IMO.

tandraig

shazrobo wrote: »

if marriage was that important to her, then she should have done it before having the kids.
i would find it very hard staying with someone who had lied to me for 10 years.
my current bf, dosent want marriage, and i'm fine with that, (been married and divorced once) but i stand my ground and wont have children with him. luckily i already had kids, so having more isnt a big deal to me

but thats the point! marraige was kept getting promised! and yes its ok to say before having kids - but being in love and thinking yes, he promised after the baby is born, is enough to delude most women!
she has now taken a stand. good for her. I hope this guy now stands by her. If not - in my opinion - he is the loser.

MrsE_2

If she wants to get married & he thinks its too expensive why doesn't see offer to have a very budget wedding, just a simple affair with immediate family there.

Caroline73_2

Zazen999 wrote: »

He is in a loving, committed relationship with the mother of his children, when they own a house together and is prepared to give that up for the sake of not signing a certificate?

He needs to think about that home environment he started for his children. He sounds very immature IMO.

It's the ultimatum giving that's the immature part. He isn't the one threatening to walk out.

Personally I would bang their heads together if I knew them.

*Louise*

I think rather than walk out, she should say she is going to have the children's names changed to her surname -- that might wake him up a bit lol.

...better than breaking up the family, she obviously still loves him.

neneromanova

tandraig wrote: »

Well, the future is here (for whatever reason) its time to fish or cut bait. yes give him an ultimatum - but to me - mine would be - No wedding, No Nooky, see how fast he either changes his mind or is out of there!

I think she should do this. If it's a loving relationship still just with hold the sex. It'll soon show her what he really wants.

Peekaboo

I think the things is whether he doesn't want to marry her at all - i.e. get a couple of witnessess and be done with it...

or whether he just doesn't want a wedding. From what OP was saying, he seems to look at it from a money point of view. If it's important for her, then she'd accept the marriage without the big celebrations that are costly.

So yeah, is he against marriage in general or a wedding?

Oh, just to say i'm not an advocate of him not telling her for certain yes or no for years! Thats a little bit mean, unless she was just interpreting him wrongly!

Hermia

euronorris wrote: »

And he most likely lied because she's important to him, not marriage. He was most likely petrified of losing her and so fed her the 'later' line, thinking that he will come round to the idea with time. At the time, he may have believed that he simply wasn't ready to get married. He may not have been lying at all, just changed his mind.

Maybe he just assumed he would feel different in the future. I can definitely see how someone would think, "Wow, this woman is amazing. I am sure I will marry her one day" or "I am sure I will want to get married when I hit 30/40/50", but then find they don't. I thought that I would become more like 'normal' women re: my views on settling down when I became older, but I have found that hasn't been the case at all.

I really just think this couple need to perhaps see a Relate counsellor. The OP has not mentioned any other major problems with the relationship as far as I can remember. I think this woman just needs to be sure she is happy with the idea of being a single mother before walking away.

euronorris

Yeah, I'm not convinced that the deceipt was intentional. It may have been or it may not have been. Only he seems to know that at the moment.

OP - has your friend had a chance to talk about this properly with her OH yet?