if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

brians_daughter

one of the girls where i work is in this dilema, and truely doesnt know what to do! We have given our opinion so thought we would throw it out to the lovely MSE crowd to see what they think

Her and her oh have been together 10 years and have 2 kids. She has always made it clear she wants to get engaged and get married, her oh promised her they would 'one day'.

She sat him down last week and said its marriage, as he promised or she is out of there. Basically an ultimatum. They have had this discussion a number of times over the years but he has always had good reason to not get engaged or plan a wedding.

They are good reasons he has given IMOA such as they moved house, so he said they would get the house straight then look at rings and marriage. Then 18 months later she got pregnant (planned) and she brought the subject up again, her oh said lets wait til baby is born then re-assess things £s worries etc with new baby.

Now things are more 'steady' ie no house moves or baby plans so shes brough it up again last week, hes said he doesnt want to get married as he doesnt believe in it and wont get engaged as he thinks if you are engaged you should be planning to get married!

She has thrown her hat in the ring and said she would give him 7 days to figure things out but she would consider leaving - not just because he wont marry her but she feels lied to as he has, in her words 'strung her along' all this time. She has said if she knew he never intended to marry she would never have bought a house with him or had kids. One of her main 'arguments' in all this is the kids have his surname, she wanted them to have hers and change it when they married, but he talked her round to having his and promised her by the time the kids started school they would be married, its important to her that they all have the same surname (i suggested chaging hers by deedpole if it was the name issue) but she says its more than that - she wants to marry.

we have all given our opinions but i thought i would throw it to the lovely lot on MSE to give opinions as well.

IMOA i can see her point, but if it is a loving relationship (which it is) it seems almost 'silly' to throw 10 years down the drain, not to mention breaking up the kiddies home - not that i would expect her to stay for the sake of the kids iykwim??

ameliarate

brians_daughter wrote: »

one of the girls where i work is in this dilema, and truely doesnt know what to do! We have given our opinion so thought we would throw it out to the lovely MSE crowd to see what they think

Her and her oh have been together 10 years and have 2 kids. She has always made it clear she wants to get engaged and get married, her oh promised her they would 'one day'.

She sat him down last week and said its marriage, as he promised or she is out of there. Basically an ultimatum. They have had this discussion a number of times over the years but he has always had good reason to not get engaged or plan a wedding.

They are good reasons he has given IMOA such as they moved house, so he said they would get the house straight then look at rings and marriage. Then 18 months later she got pregnant (planned) and she brought the subject up again, her oh said lets wait til baby is born then re-assess things £s worries etc with new baby.

Now things are more 'steady' ie no house moves or baby plans so shes brough it up again last week, hes said he doesnt want to get married as he doesnt believe in it and wont get engaged as he thinks if you are engaged you should be planning to get married!

She has thrown her hat in the ring and said she would give him 7 days to figure things out but she would consider leaving - not just because he wont marry her but she feels lied to as he has, in her words 'strung her along' all this time. She has said if she knew he never intended to marry she would never have bought a house with him or had kids. One of her main 'arguments' in all this is the kids have his surname, she wanted them to have hers and change it when they married, but he talked her round to having his and promised her by the time the kids started school they would be married, its important to her that they all have the same surname (i suggested chaging hers by deedpole if it was the name issue) but she says its more than that - she wants to marry.

we have all given our opinions but i thought i would throw it to the lovely lot on MSE to give opinions as well.

IMOA i can see her point, but if it is a loving relationship (which it is) it seems almost 'silly' to throw 10 years down the drain, not to mention breaking up the kiddies home - not that i would expect her to stay for the sake of the kids iykwim??

It seems a bit daft to me to be saying she wouldn't have had kids with him or bought a house with him if she had known he wouldn't marry her, she should have waited til he had before doing them if it is so important to her. Clearly he has no intention of getting married, though his reasons are not clear so she needs to decide why she wants to get married and whether their relationship is stronger than a nice dress and a bit of paper.

To be honest, thought I don't want to be rude to your friend, it all sounds a bit childish to me.

brians_daughter

No, you arent being rude at all.

In my opinion i think its more to do with the fact that she feels she has been lied to by the man she has spent the last 10 years with rather than the marriage itself. They are both in mid-late 30's

She has recently re-discovered her faith and i do think that this may play a part in it? Although i havent actually said it to her as i have only just thought about it myself

She has also rang to book some kind of relate sesion to help her through the thought process, so at least she isnt doing anything rash (just yet)

BTW she is a very regular poster, but didnt want to post under her own user name incase ppl are wondering why she hasnt posted herself!

Hermia

I think it's all going to depend on why he won't marry and they really need to talk about that. Or go to Relate if it has got that bad.

The advice would depend on his reasons why. Is he commitment-phobic and secretly has doubts about the relationship? Is she wanting some huge wedding and he is worried about the cost? Has she been going on and on about marriage endlessly until he is sick of it? Does he just not see the point of marriage at all?

I don't really get the surname thing. It's easy to change your name or give your kids a double-barrelled name.

I think she is daft to just walk out on the father of her children without trying to reach some sort of compromise. They don't sound like they are communicating to me.

Caroline73_2

She is in a loving, committed relationship with the father of her children, when they own a house together and is prepared to give that up for a certificate and a ceremony?

She needs to think about that home environment she started for her children. She sounds very immature IMO.

babyblooz

Why have kids first?

It doesnt cost a lot to get married. The pomp and circumstance that goes with it costs a lot, but it depends which is the most important. I wouldn't set out to have kids with a man who didn't want the same things as I did. I might be old fashioned but it just makes sense to me.

brians_daughter

Hermia wrote: »

Does he just not see the point of marriage at all?

That is what he is saying, he doesnt see the point of it or what it will bring to their relationship.

I know the guy pretty well too and he seems salt of the earth will do anything for anyone so i am sure he has deeper reasons but maybe isnt willing to discuss them.

brians_daughter

babyblooz wrote: »

I wouldn't set out to have kids with a man who didn't want the same things as I did. I might be old fashioned but it just makes sense to me.

It is this i think that is also upsetting her, they have talked about marriage and in a way 'planned' they would do it, loosely at least. Now she feels he is going back on his word, or has been lying to her/telling her what she wants to hear.

ninky_2

i don't think there is any point trying to make someone do something they really don't want to do.

she should either decide she is happy with the situation as it is or leave. does she really want to bully someone into marrying?

as for the surname thing, that is just silly. she could change her name by deedpole if she wanted to anyway. but i'm married and i haven't changed my name to my husbands. for most people i the world this is the normal state of affairs and they don't seem to have any problems with this (e.g. china).

however, it would be worth seeing a solicitor about the consequences of staying unmarried and making sure that wills etc are written to make sure all eventualities are covered regarding inheritance / pensions etc etc.

euronorris

If they have been happily living together for 10 years, and have 2 children, then they are already in a committed relationship.

I would have thought that, if she wanted to get married, she could have insisted on this before the first child (which was planned). If he had still said no, when there was no baby on the way, then she could have left there and then.

TBH, I can't see the problem here. I'd like to get married also, but if my OH doesn't want to, I won't leave him. I love him. A piece of paper doesn't change anything. If he suddenly decided he didn't want children, however, well that would be a deal breaker.

And also, children are a far bigger and longer (in some cases) commitment than marriage will ever be. You can always get divorced, but your child will always be your child and will always need you (even when they start to think they don't).

In short: I think it would be foolish of her to give up on what sounds like a great relationship and family (don't forget the effect on the kids), just because of a bit of paper and a party.

Although, as you said, rediscovering her faith may have more to do with this than anything else. In the end, it all boils down to how important being married is to her. Is it more important than the relationship itself??

euronorris

brians_daughter wrote: »

It is this i think that is also upsetting her, they have talked about marriage and in a way 'planned' they would do it, loosely at least. Now she feels he is going back on his word, or has been lying to her/telling her what she wants to hear.

I understand about being upset regarding the lies, but, look at it from his point of view. He loves her, wants to be with her, but doesn't want to get married. He knows she does, and she brings it up quite often. How does he tell her he doesn't want to marry, without losing her?

I'm not saying he was right to lie. He wasn't. But I can understand why he did. Wrong as it was of him, he clearly did so because of his love for her.

And whilst being lied to is upsetting, it is not a reason to split up. Unless he lies regularly about a variety of things. But, a lot of talking will be required to get through this and both of them would have to agree to be honest in future, no matter how scary it is.