if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

seven-day-weekend

He has lied to her for years. I too would be questioning his commitment.

jack*tigger

Its a difficult one.

He obviously isn't afraid of commitment as they have a mortgage, a kid and have been together 10 years.

If he's afraid of the costs there are ways of getting married on the cheap - assuming its the marriage part she wants and not that she feels that she's missed out on her big day.
Or maybe he wants to give her a big day and can't afford to and so is waiting for a time when they can afford the perfect wedding.

If she was that fussed about getting married so they all have the same surname then she should have insisted before the mortgage or the baby. Or she should just change her name by deed poll - which would show him how bothered she was.
If she's looking for him to commit then she needs to look at what they have and realise that she has all the commitment he is going to give. A piece of paper isn't going to give her any more.

For me personally if he goes through with a wedding now it will be just for her and mean nothing to him. In fact he might resent her for forcing him into it and it may well be the beginning of the end.
It would be like when you say "I love you" to someone and they just say it back as an automatic response.

never_enough

I can't imagine leaving a loving relationship & your home with your children because your partner wont marry you. It sounds so childish & ridiculous. I don't really get what is so important about marriage so maybe I am biased, however I believe that planning to & then having children with someone shows a lot of committment. Her partner is wrong to say they would get married if he had no intention of doing so, but I have seen this often. It's usually the woman who wants to marry, so what does the guy do if he's happy with the way things are? Of course he should say that, but I guess things are not always that simple. He may not have the balls to stand up & say how he feels or he may love her to distraction & not want to upset her. There are two of them in the relationship, each of their viewpoint is valid, they need to talk in a pressure free environment.

Errata

Surely the point is that for ten years he's been saying 'I Will' and now he says 'I Won't' ?

tamarto

Errata wrote: »

Surely the point is that for ten years he's been saying 'I Will' and now he says 'I Won't' ?

Exactly, she has had no reason to doubt the fact that they would get married, so why whould she have insisted that they do it before x,y or z, i bet the exact same people who are saying she can't be that bothered about it would tell someone on anothetr thread that they are out of order for insisting that it's done before baby mortgage etc when he has already said he would do it after when they are in a better position. :rolleyes:

jayII

Errata wrote: »

Surely the point is that for ten years he's been saying 'I Will' and now he says 'I Won't' ?

Exactly.

He may seem to be a 'salt of the earth' type of guy, but there are plenty of guys out there who will do anything for anyone--other than their family.

I'd be questioning things too, if I'd been decieved for 10 years. I'd also be wondering what else he considered it OK to lie about.

*Louise*

I think I would have been a bit cheesed off if I had been 'promised' marriage and after 10 years my partner finally admitted that he didn't really want to. I very much doubt I would have become a single parent over it, but it would have really hurt me. I also would never issue an ultimatum - someone only marrying you because they have no choice in the matter wouldn't be a very good start to married life.

As someone who appreciates total honesty, I would worry about the integrity of the person who had lied to me. Does someone really love you if they are willing to lie to you for so many years? I'm sure that is what is going through the OP's friends head rather than worring about the actual wedding.

And although many people say 'it's only a piece of paper' or 'you don't feel any different', that's only the opinion of people who aren't fussed about marriage. For those who ARE fussed - you DO feel different afterwards. I can't explain it, but you do. Everyone is different, but to dismiss it as just a ring or a piece of paper totally disregards the feelings and beliefs of the person wanting to get married.


Oh, and there is no way I would have changed my name by deed poll, no way would I be taking on the name of someone who didn't think highly enough of me to marry me.:D You're either married or you're not - no point in 'faking it':rolleyes:

brians_daughter

jayII wrote: »

I'd be questioning things too, if I'd been decieved for 10 years. I'd also be wondering what else he considered it OK to lie about.

That would be my main concern. Its all well and good telling someone what they want to hear but if you arent intending on following it through there are often concequences to that.

celyn90

To be fair, I think that whatever happens - the needs of the child comes first. It has to run deeper than this to consider depriving a child of a parent. Marriage shouldn't be to attempt to cement or fix something. It's not good to be "lied" to, but equally I can't say I think it's particularly nice to try and force marriage on someone.

From your description it sounds to me like he's not actually ever promised - suggesting a re-assessment in the future doesn't sound like a future proposal to me at all. Maybe he thought he might change his mind, maybe he has tried to warm to the idea - but when it comes to it he can't.

Kavanne

I reckon she should just throw in the towel now, it's clear that they do not want the same things in life and, potentially, she's been denying it for 10 years. May seem extreme but neither of them will be happy with the outcome of this ultimatum.