if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

Hermia

brians_daughter wrote: »

That is what he is saying, he doesnt see the point of it or what it will bring to their relationship.

I know the guy pretty well too and he seems salt of the earth will do anything for anyone so i am sure he has deeper reasons but maybe isnt willing to discuss them.

I don't see why there should be deeper reasons. I know lots of people who literally cannot see the point of marriage because they are not religious, have little interest in what society thinks and feel they can express their commitment in other ways. If he is a responsible partner and father it suggests he is committed.

Maybe he would marry just to make her happy, but her constantly going on about marriage and issuing ultimatums is going to make him dig his heels in more. I think they just really need to talk in a non-accusatory atmosphere.

euronorris

Hermia wrote: »

I don't see why there should be deeper reasons. I know lots of people who literally cannot see the point of marriage because they are not religious, have little interest in what society thinks and feel they can express their commitment in other ways. If he is a responsible partner and father it suggests he is committed.

Maybe he would marry just to make her happy, but her constantly going on about marriage and issuing ultimatums is going to make him dig his heels in more. I think they just really need to talk in a non-accusatory atmosphere.

Were his parents married? If so, did they get divorced?

I know that aspect scares my OH also, as his parents divorced when he was young and it affected him badly. His parents get on now, but at the time it was all very nasty between them and extremely disruptive and upsetting to him and his brother.

That's enough to make most people very cautious of marriage.

tamarto

He has told her that they would get married and has now said he doesn't want to , to me that would make me question is feelings towards me, if my partner felt stongly about something i didn't he'd go along with it anyway and vice versa.

If he felt stongly about it he should have made that clear to her long before now.

Marriage is more than a bit of paper, infact it does still make a lot of difference legally you are a lot more secure if anything happens to the other if you are married for a start.

She was wrong imo to issue the ultimatum unless she really means it, but i can understand why she said it.

I have to agree that it seems there are other issues that he has with marriage as why else wouldn't he do something he sees no point in for the happiness of the mother of his children and love of his life?

I would totally say that a lie like this is enough to break a relationship if they can't come to some sort of comprimise, it isn't a little white lie it is a fair whopper.

Just because you or i or anyone else see's it as no big deal doesn't take away from this girls feeling as she does see it as a big thing and unlike him has never hidden that fact!

tamarto

euronorris wrote: »

I understand about being upset regarding the lies, but, look at it from his point of view. He loves her, wants to be with her, but doesn't want to get married. He knows she does, and she brings it up quite often. How does he tell her he doesn't want to marry, without losing her?

I'm not saying he was right to lie. He wasn't. But I can understand why he did. Wrong as it was of him, he clearly did so because of his love for her.

And whilst being lied to is upsetting, it is not a reason to split up. Unless he lies regularly about a variety of things. But, a lot of talking will be required to get through this and both of them would have to agree to be honest in future, no matter how scary it is.

If that is the case then their whole relationship is based on a lie and that is a huge deal.

delain

My OH was married before, and has previously said that 'it's just a licence for someone to take the p1ss' and he would never do it again.

However all of a sudden he's done a U-turn and he wants to get married and though we had talked bout him getting the snip before, he turned round to me the other day and said I needed to think about if I wanted to have any more kids first (which is another thing he's always said no way not ever, to before) :eek:

I haven't even mentioned any of this to him, and i suspect if I had been hassling him it wouldn't have happened, I suspect your friend is putting way too much pressure on him, he's probably wondering why his love for her isn't enough, poor guy.

Auntie-Dolly

If they have already done all the usual things married people do, whats the point? I wonder if she thinks i will 'feel'different beacuse it wont. To throw all that in for the sake of a ring is madness - she should have held out before having children if it meant so much to her.

Primrose

I know attitudes have changed about marriage over the years but I personally think the previous attitude was right. You got married first and then had your children. That way, at least the mother and the children were legally protected if something happened to the father. Now there is total confusion and nobody seems to know where they stand any more.
It doesn't sound as if this man has any intention of marrying. He's had enough opportunities.
She has to decide what's more important to her now - staying in a relationship where she effectively feels she's been deceived, or having the courage to make the break and go it alone with all the financial anxieties which accompany bringing up a child/children alone.

Errata

He's been slithering out of giving a firm yes or no for years, and now he has to poo or get off the pot he's decided that much as he loves her, he's not prepared to get married to make her happy. It wouldn't make any difference to him as he doesn't believe in it.
He probably wouldn't give her one of his kidneys either if she needed it.

tamarto

delain wrote: »

My OH was married before, and has previously said that 'it's just a licence for someone to take the p1ss' and he would never do it again.

However all of a sudden he's done a U-turn and he wants to get married and though we had talked bout him getting the snip before, he turned round to me the other day and said I needed to think about if I wanted to have any more kids first (which is another thing he's always said no way not ever, to before) :eek:

I haven't even mentioned any of this to him, and i suspect if I had been hassling him it wouldn't have happened, I suspect your friend is putting way too much pressure on him, he's probably wondering why his love for her isn't enough, poor guy.

The difference there is your partner has been honest, you went into the relationship with him knowing he felt that way.

Her partner made out he had no issue with marriage it was just circumstance that was getting in the way which is perfectly normal and many people put off getting married untill all those things are out the way.

tamarto

Auntie-Dolly wrote: »

If they have already done all the usual things married people do, whats the point? I wonder if she thinks i will 'feel'different beacuse it wont. To throw all that in for the sake of a ring is madness - she should have held out before having children if it meant so much to her.

Maybe just maybe she was comprimising, you know that thing couples do. it isn't just a ring for lots of people and to belittle someone for that is downright patronising!