if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

daska

swiss69 wrote: »

Many men get married just for an easy life! Why is it sooooo Important to Women?

Possibly because it's more likely to be us that gets left with the kids and no maintenance? Just call me cynical but, having been through the divorce courts and learned how much more protection is available to married women, there was no way I was going into another relationship involving children without that property contract. Because that is effectively what it is, it's not about love, it's about divvying it up if it goes pear shaped. Of course people don't want to think about it in that way at the beginning of a relationship or even later on if everything's going well but...

daska

Zazen999 wrote: »

He is in a loving, committed relationship with the mother of his children, when they own a house together and is prepared to give that up for the sake of not signing a certificate?

He needs to think about that home environment he started for his children. He sounds very immature IMO.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:
:T:T:T:T:T:T

euronorris

Zazen999 wrote: »

He is in a loving, committed relationship with the mother of his children, when they own a house together and is prepared to give that up for the sake of not signing a certificate?

He needs to think about that home environment he started for his children. He sounds very immature IMO.

I see your point, but I wouldn't want to marry anyone if I felt I was being forced into it with an ultimatum!

And, if Marriage is not important to him, then it's just not important to him. It obviously is to her though, and there's the problem.

Out of interest, other than the religious aspect, is there anything else that has triggered this sudden ultimatum? I'm just wondering if things have got a bit rocky between them lately, and perhaps she feels that getting Married would smooth things out somehow? I'm not saying that's the case, but plenty of people before have done the same thing (usually with disastarous consequences), so I'm just curious.

verysillyguy06

swiss69 wrote: »

I dont get some of the advice on here.....Maybe cos i am not female!

1. This accusation that she has been lied to.....At the time they met he probably said anything and just went along with whatever she was saying. Have you lot never spoken to your husbands/partners about things when he is watching football or something and had the feeling that whilst he was saying the right things and nodding his head, he wasnt really taking it all in! Men will say anything to get what they want at the start of a relationship!

2. He may have had a valid reason re £ or whatever. My wife said to me that she wanted to get married and I wasnt so sure. In the end I decided it was what I wanted too and hey ho here we are.....When I mentioned before we got that far that if marriage was so important then lets just go and do it, grab two witnesses off the street and come back married.........She all of a sudden didn't seem that keen on that idea......£20k later she was much happier:rolleyes:

The important people in all of this are the 2 children. If the relationship is solid and loving and the children are happy then why would anyone want to wreck that! Its Madness. If the name thing is important then she can change her name.

Many men get married just for an easy life! Why is it sooooo Important to Women?

1. That is at worst 'lying' as it is obvioulsy a big thing to his oh.I understand from the first post that the woman has made it clear to him that that was what she wanted. In that case, he has 'strung' her along for 'peace' which is deceiving.

At its best , it was being keeping the peace but not being very interested at her point which is still not very good, is it?


2. His reasons by now could only be interprted as more 'selfish' that hers to get married. The benefits legally are still immense for the married partner and it is not really fair on the children.

He may have all sorts of reasons for not wanting to get married, from personal experiences to friends or as silly as watching Corrie....

We wont know and she wont until he speaks to her. Even if it is just a silly paper, the law still does not think so.....


The woman may have only 'ever so often' mentioned it and the man may have have thought it has gone away when she stopped but it did not. My bet would be he is now buying the ring whilst we are speculating

Zazen999

euronorris wrote: »

I see your point, but I wouldn't want to marry anyone if I felt I was being forced into it with an ultimatum!

And, if Marriage is not important to him, then it's just not important to him. It obviously is to her though, and there's the problem.

But she was cajoled into buying a house and having kids with a promise; more than once. That's more than an ultimatum! If it's not important to him - then why did he lie?

brians_daughter

euronorris wrote: »

Out of interest, other than the religious aspect, is there anything else that has triggered this sudden ultimatum? I'm just wondering if things have got a bit rocky between them lately, and perhaps she feels that getting Married would smooth things out somehow? I'm not saying that's the case, but plenty of people before have done the same thing (usually with disastarous consequences), so I'm just curious.

No nothing has triggered it as such. They are now back on an even keel (there were talks of redundancies etc but the jobs are safe now) So, she simply said to him 'you said we would get engaged and start planning the wedding once things settled down, well the house is done, the kids are all ok and we know our jobs are safe.. so what do you think?' He replied he didnt wanna get married any more as he couldnt see the point in it.

Funnily enough the guy in question was in the pub with my brother a few weeks back and my brother was moaning about his girlfriend and the guy in question said how happy he was atm and he had 'picked a good un'

snowmaid

After 10 years if someone is still not wanting to marry me, especially when we have children together, that would tell me they have no interest in doing so.

What are they waiting for? I have to wonder about people's commitment to eachother when they don't marry. To me it's as much as staying in a relationship while waiting for something better to come along. Marriage shows commitment. Yes I know divorces happen all the time, but being married to my husband shows he is committed more than if we just lived together.

I know that living together works well for some people, but for a lot it doesn't.

euronorris

Zazen999 wrote: »

But she was cajoled into buying a house and having kids with a promise; more than once. That's more than an ultimatum! If it's not important to him - then why did he lie?

From the OP, it appears that the marriage was put off only AFTER she had become pregnant. And the pregnancy was planned. So, did the conversation of ' Honey, I love you but Marriage is very important to me, so I'd like us to save up and get Married before we have a child.' happen? If so, why did she back down at this point? If Marriage is important to her, then I would think that she would prefer to be Married before having a child?

And he most likely lied because she's important to him, not marriage. He was most likely petrified of losing her and so fed her the 'later' line, thinking that he will come round to the idea with time. At the time, he may have believed that he simply wasn't ready to get married. He may not have been lying at all, just changed his mind.

Honestly though, I've no idea. Only he does, so I suggest they need to have a very open and honest conversation about all this.

I certainly don't think they should now get married under all this pressure. I knew a guy who did that once, after 7 years of dating, and they were filing for divorce less than a year after the wedding. And boy was that divorce ugly (without kids!!). It was awful.

tandraig

Zazen999 wrote: »

But she was cajoled into buying a house and having kids with a promise; more than once. That's more than an ultimatum! If it's not important to him - then why did he lie?

I think Zazen you have hit the nail on the head here. how many women would buy a house and have a guys kids (if they believed in marraige) with a guy who says 'I wont ever marry you'? so yes, he strung her along, with promises he had no intention of honouring. that is NOT a decent honest thing to do - and i can understand her distress.

this really, is where the deceit comes in, he knew she eventually wanted marraige, and he deliberately kept promising sometime in the future. well, the future is here (for whatever reason) its time to fish or cut bait. yes give him an ultimatum - but to me - mine would be - No wedding, No Nooky, see how fast he either changes his mind or is out of there!

ceridwen

Primrose wrote: »

I know attitudes have changed about marriage over the years but I personally think the previous attitude was right. You got married first and then had your children. That way, at least the mother and the children were legally protected if something happened to the father. Now there is total confusion and nobody seems to know where they stand any more.
It doesn't sound as if this man has any intention of marrying. He's had enough opportunities.
She has to decide what's more important to her now - staying in a relationship where she effectively feels she's been deceived, or having the courage to make the break and go it alone with all the financial anxieties which accompany bringing up a child/children alone.

I can relate to this. I used to think marriage was a bourgeois institution and blow it - what does it matter anyway? (just a piece of paper).

In hindsight - I think that was an attitude based on youthful inexperience of life. I dont know whether I would regard it as important/necessary or no if there wasnt any children or joint housing. In the event of there being joint children and/or house ownership - then...yes...I do tend to think its important/necessary.

If I was in a younger agegroup and had had the "do you want them too dear" discussion with an OH and he had said he did - then my response would have been "Then - we had better get married to each other before we get pregnant then hadnt we. I want our child to know from the outset that its parents are committed to each other and that everything is as worked out as it can be on the financial front. Our child is entitled to this." I would also have felt that that was an appropriate time to "test" whether the relationship was (as far as I could see) secure enough to bring a child into it. If the OH concerned hadnt married me at that point - then I would have sat down and thought "right he doesnt care for me enough to marry me and that is not a good background to bring a child into - I will have to accept that either I stay just living with him - but there will be no children OR I leave him and find a man who cares for me enough to be my husband and an "official" father to our children".

I know....I know....that these are very hurtful decisions to have to make. I know...I know....that I am fortunate enough to be able to detach my emotions from any decisions I will make if need be - if my emotions would cause me to make a bad decision (and I DO know that a lot of people cant seem to do that...so I am just so thankful that I can).

What I DO think is she cant put pressure on her OH - if he hasnt decided (of himself - freely) by now to marry her - then I think the chances of him doing so now are very very low I have to say.