if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

verysillyguy06

brians_daughter wrote: »

No nothing has triggered it as such. They are now back on an even keel (there were talks of redundancies etc but the jobs are safe now) So, she simply said to him 'you said we would get engaged and start planning the wedding once things settled down, well the house is done, the kids are all ok and we know our jobs are safe.. so what do you think?' He replied he didnt wanna get married any more as he couldnt see the point in it.

Funnily enough the guy in question was in the pub with my brother a few weeks back and my brother was moaning about his girlfriend and the guy in question said how happy he was atm and he had 'picked a good un'

Then again, like people posted on here, there are many examples when couples got married after years of living in sin and got divorcede soon after. This may play on his mind. The least she needs is answers and then deal with it

jayII

tandraig wrote: »

this really, is where the deceit comes in, he knew she eventually wanted marraige, and he deliberately kept promising sometime in the future. well, the future is here (for whatever reason) its time to fish or cut bait. yes give him an ultimatum - but to me - mine would be - No wedding, No Nooky, see how fast he either changes his mind or is out of there!

Brilliant! :D:D

ameliarate

There are two sides to this story and everyobody is accusing this man of lying and getting what he wants by cajoling her with promises, but you know it could simply be that she heard what she wanted to hear
Her: "I think we should get married"
Him: "maybe we will one day when things are settled but I don't really want to get married, don't see the point"
She hears, yes once the baby is born I will marry you.

We are assuming a lot really not having been privvy to these conversations.

squirrelchops

I am a bit bemused really with this post and particularly some of the comments. Ok, the person thought they would eventually get married so had children and has a house with the guy. Well, more fool them then! Sorry to be harsh but if marriage was so superly important maybe they should have waited??

I also cannot beleive that someone would consider leaving a relationship with children involved because 'he wont marry me'. I know some of you have sai 'well he lied' etc etc but IF everythign else is good in the relationship I would try to work through this issue.

I wonder if the refusal to marry bit is masking a deeper issue between this couple?????

Kay_Peel

When things go wrong and from a purely business point of view, it's extremely useful to have a marriage certificate.

My friend was with her partner for 10 years before he dropped dead. They had one child. Sorting out probate and dealing with various interested parties was, to say the least, difficult - just when she didn't need the hassle. It was complicated by the fact that he'd had another child from a previous long-term relationship AND he'd been married and divorced. Had she been his wife, the affairs would have been straight-forward.

If the man in question doesn't want to get married, would he be prepared to enter into a legally binding contract to ensure the security of his children and the peace of mind of his partner in case something happens to him? Would he make a will, if he hasn't already done so?

If he's not prepared to regularise the arrangement even though his OH feels vulnerable and insecure about it, then that speaks volumes about him. A decent man would have the security of his family foremost in his mind.

swiss69

daska wrote: »

Possibly because it's more likely to be us that gets left with the kids and no maintenance?

A man who doesnt want to see his children following a split whether married or not and doesnt want or avoids paying maintainance is a lowlife anyway........Makes me wonder what qualities they had to make some women have a baby with em in the first place

swiss69

Kay_Peel wrote: »

If the man in question doesn't want to get married, would he be prepared to enter into a legally binding contract to ensure the security of his children and the peace of mind of his partner in case something happens to him? Would he make a will, if he hasn't already done so?

If he's not prepared to regularise the arrangement even though his OH feels vulnerable and insecure about it, then that speaks volumes about him. A decent man would have the security of his family foremost in his mind.

I agree he should provide for his current partner and child in the event of his death..... A will would do the job just as well as a marriage.

Surely on second marriages people can see why some men are very sceptical. Lets say the man has lost out financially on divorce which does happen! If he say has £100k and his new partner who is desperate to be his wife has £nil then he again stands to lose £50k if it goes wrong. Many Women do not like the idea of signing pre nups stopping this so its catch 22....Same applies for Women in the same position too!

Errata

swiss69 wrote: »

I agree he should provide for his current partner and child in the event of his death..... A will would do the job just as well as a marriage.

Surely on second marriages people can see why some men are very sceptical. Lets say the man has lost out financially on divorce which does happen! If he say has £100k and his new partner who is desperate to be his wife has £nil then he again stands to lose £50k if it goes wrong. Many Women do not like the idea of signing pre nups stopping this so its catch 22....Same applies for Women in the same position too!

In that case there is nothing to prevent either making it crystal clear from the start that they categorically will never marry again. Given that the 'have you been married' conversation comes up quite early in any relationship, the stage is set.

ceridwen

Hermia wrote: »

I do wonder whether that may be worrying the boyfriend. I know several relationships which ended because one partner either refound their faith or found God for the first time. My friend was very happily married, but her husband has found God and suddenly wants the kids to go to this rather dodgy extremely religious school etc. I doubt they will stay together. Is this woman's partner not religious? Is he perhaps concerned that she is wanting him to commit to her religious beliefs in some way?

Oh dear....well...thats just made me wonder whether there is an extra topic couples REALLY REALLY should discuss before committing to each other in any shape or form.

There are some things SO important that people really really do need to have the same views on them:
- whether and when to have children is THE biggie in this respect. They simply MUST have the same viewpoint on this
- basic attitudes to money
- how important (or otherwise) it is to make the relationship "official" by marrying
- general attitudes to religion/spirituality

I would say those things are SO basic that they are deal-breakers if the two people concerned have widely different ideas.

On the religion front for instance - my own personal take is that I could handle a partner being atheist/agnostic/liberal version of any religion going (Christian/Buddhist/Islam - just as long as it was the "liberal" version of...and not the fundamentalist variant of). My preference would be floating vaguely between liberal Christianity/Buddhism/paganism - but I could handle the atheist etc spectrum mentioned above and it wouldnt be a problem. The fundamentalist version of ANY religion would equal "divorce courts - NOW" - as would an atheist who was determined to belittle my views. So - even if someone is not that bothered of themselves - they do seriously need to "suss out" their potential partner to see what viewpoint they will have if they move in that direction...People do need to try and think through how far they and/or their partners might change over say the next 50 years - as marriage/the equivalent should be for "life".

Stephb1986_2

Hmm bit of a tough one really but I would definatly stop providing the girlfriend duties, stop making his dinners for work, his tea and stop doing his washing and ironing and anything else she does for him.

I don't know that I could carry on living with a guy that had lied to me for the last 10 years, I don't know that I could trust anything he says anymore.

If it's really important to her and he knew this for the last ten years then he's a total pig for not telling her 10 years ago that he didn't want to get married and like she said "stringing her along" she could of easily found another guy who was happy to marry her and have kids and a house.

Steph xx