if 1 of you wants to marry and the other doesnt what do you do?

daska

I'm with her on this one, either he's been lying to her for 10 years or something has changed to make him feel that he is no longer prepared to commit. Her question is surely "Why?" Who or What has changed the way he feels about her and in what way has it changed? If he really loved her he wouldn't have lied to her and if he really loved her and was making a lifelong commitment then he wouldn't object to fulfilling a 10 year old promise.

And for those who think it 'doesn't matter' because their relationship will never go tits up, well, I would recommend that they get some decent legal advice. That little bit of paper makes a HUGE difference if something goes wrong.

Mojisola

If he's really unwilling to get married, she should get some advice about the legal position of unmarried couples. They certainly need to have made wills otherwise his savings, possessions and maybe his share of the house (depending on the type of ownership) could be inherited by his blood relatives. They should also make sure it's on their medical records that they want each other to be considered next-of-kin.

tandraig

what a dilemma!!!
does she stay with someone who has strung her along for ten years - deliberately by the look of it. or does she chuck a loving relationship and deprive the kids of their father?
I can quite understand that if marraige is important to this woman (and by the way its not 'just a piece of paper' you stand before witnesses and vow your love and comittment to each other, its a public declaration isnt it?), she now feels gutted, not just because he has lied to her for years, but because he isnt prepared to make things legal and she is right to worry. while living together is common, despite what people think, legally there is no such thing as a 'common law wife' which could have ramifications in future.
however, I personally wouldnt split up over it, but i would make damned sure that wills etc were drawn up giving me the same rights as a wife.

Errata

Kavanne wrote: »

I reckon she should just throw in the towel now, it's clear that they do not want the same things in life and, potentially, she's been denying it for 10 years. May seem extreme but neither of them will be happy with the outcome of this ultimatum.

Why has she been denying it ? For ten years they've discussed getting married and agreed to delay it.
That indicates that for ten years he believed in getting married and now he's decided he doesn't. I wonder what's happened to make him change his mind.

seven-day-weekend

I do not think they should split up over it while there is a child to consider, but I think she should consider it later once the child is grown up. This man has lied to her for years and doesn't think enough of her to want her for his wife, although she's good enough to buy a house with and sleep with. He would not make the ultimate commitment so neither should she

Luciferswench

I can see where she is coming from he knew she wanted marriage one day and kept putting it off. He could have been straight with her and they could have worked through it long before now.
So she wants a day where shes the princess that shes probably dreamed of for years where her prince charming promises to be hers until death do they part. Who can blame her for that?
However its not worth throwing a good steady 10 year relationship away. Although i do think its a good thing shes told her OH exactly how she feels rather than continuing to keep it bottle up and letting it fester.

Hermia

brians_daughter wrote: »

She has recently re-discovered her faith and i do think that this may play a part in it? Although i havent actually said it to her as i have only just thought about it myself

I do wonder whether that may be worrying the boyfriend. I know several relationships which ended because one partner either refound their faith or found God for the first time. My friend was very happily married, but her husband has found God and suddenly wants the kids to go to this rather dodgy extremely religious school etc. I doubt they will stay together. Is this woman's partner not religious? Is he perhaps concerned that she is wanting him to commit to her religious beliefs in some way?

zzzLazyDaisy

tandraig wrote: »

I personally wouldnt split up over it, but i would make damned sure that wills etc were drawn up giving me the same rights as a wife.

You can't give an unmarried partner all the same rights as a wife through a will, although you can go some way to ensuring they have protection in the event of your death.

But a parent with care has far more rights and protections on divorce, than a cohabiting partner does if the relationship breaks down.

I have to say, if I were OP's friend, I would feel hurt and rejected. I would feel that there was some reason why he wanted to keep his exit options open, and that he was not prepared to commit to me and my child in case something better came along. I am NOT saying any of that is true, but that is how I would feel. But I believe in marriage (for me). That isn't a moral judgement on anyone else, it is a religious belief for me. I suspect this is where the problem lies, but if that is the case, she will find it difficult to shrug her shoulders and say 'it is only a piece of paper' To some people marriage is much more that that.

swiss69

I dont get some of the advice on here.....Maybe cos i am not female!

1. This accusation that she has been lied to.....At the time they met he probably said anything and just went along with whatever she was saying. Have you lot never spoken to your husbands/partners about things when he is watching football or something and had the feeling that whilst he was saying the right things and nodding his head, he wasnt really taking it all in! Men will say anything to get what they want at the start of a relationship!

2. He may have had a valid reason re £ or whatever. My wife said to me that she wanted to get married and I wasnt so sure. In the end I decided it was what I wanted too and hey ho here we are.....When I mentioned before we got that far that if marriage was so important then lets just go and do it, grab two witnesses off the street and come back married.........She all of a sudden didn't seem that keen on that idea......£20k later she was much happier:rolleyes:

The important people in all of this are the 2 children. If the relationship is solid and loving and the children are happy then why would anyone want to wreck that! Its Madness. If the name thing is important then she can change her name.

Many men get married just for an easy life! Why is it sooooo Important to Women?

Zazen999

Caroline73 wrote: »

She is in a loving, committed relationship with the father of her children, when they own a house together and is prepared to give that up for a certificate and a ceremony?

She needs to think about that home environment she started for her children. She sounds very immature IMO.

He is in a loving, committed relationship with the mother of his children, when they own a house together and is prepared to give that up for the sake of not signing a certificate?

He needs to think about that home environment he started for his children. He sounds very immature IMO.