A man's view of dealing with unemployment and depression

salesaddict

Well, he cancelled the appointment. I suppose in my heart I knew he wouldn't go. I was so angry when he told me. But I have calmed down now and on the positive side he has been a lot better over the past few days. He is actually doing some tidying out of the kitchen cupboards so at least he has broken out of the inertia of sitting on the sofa watching daytime tv. We have also spoken more frankly to each other about how we feel so I will just carry on with the baby steps.

moggylover

salesaddict wrote: »

Well, he cancelled the appointment. I suppose in my heart I knew he wouldn't go. I was so angry when he told me. But I have calmed down now and on the positive side he has been a lot better over the past few days. He is actually doing some tidying out of the kitchen cupboards so at least he has broken out of the inertia of sitting on the sofa watching daytime tv. We have also spoken more frankly to each other about how we feel so I will just carry on with the baby steps.

Ah salesaddict! I'm so sorry that he cancelled the appointment: have been there myself and it is infuriating! I think perhaps just keep gently nudging (and perhaps point out that you have noticed symptoms that you "know" are not part of the drinking and you are worried).

If you are both at least talking that will help a lot and I think perhaps getting to grips with your own problems is the way to go at the moment because, as I previously said, you cannot fix him unless he wants to be fixed but you can fix you and that will make definite changes in the relationship that might have a knock-on affect anyway.

Good luck, I think you have been very brave so far and that some of the steps you have achieved are far from baby steps. Big hugs and thoughts will be with you to offer "cyber-support" as days go by.

Funny, we must by psychic as I was thinking of your posts whilst trying to get to sleep last night and thinking that I would have a look around this morning and see if you had updated at all!

salesaddict

moggylover wrote: »

Ah salesaddict! I'm so sorry that he cancelled the appointment: have been there myself and it is infuriating! I think perhaps just keep gently nudging (and perhaps point out that you have noticed symptoms that you "know" are not part of the drinking and you are worried).

If you are both at least talking that will help a lot and I think perhaps getting to grips with your own problems is the way to go at the moment because, as I previously said, you cannot fix him unless he wants to be fixed but you can fix you and that will make definite changes in the relationship that might have a knock-on affect anyway.

Good luck, I think you have been very brave so far and that some of the steps you have achieved are far from baby steps. Big hugs and thoughts will be with you to offer "cyber-support" as days go by.

Funny, we must by psychic as I was thinking of your posts whilst trying to get to sleep last night and thinking that I would have a look around this morning and see if you had updated at all!

Dear Moggylover,

that is so kind of you to be thinking about me. I hope you won't change your mind about me when you hear that I avoid cats at all costs as I am allergic to them. Dh on the other hand loves them and strays always make a beeline for him.
As you say I think the way to go is to try to resolve my own issues first. I have got some really good, helpful books at the moment to help me understand my motivations. I know with me I am not going to just change overnight because I have been like this for years. With my dh he has been the way he is for years too with the depression coming to the fore at times of crisis. So I can't expect him to change overnight. He is a lot better though and he does seem to be listening when I raise concerns that I have. Also, he is doing well with the not drinking but he does not sleep at all most nights.
I really understand now what you, and I think others have said. You can't fix someone. They have to want to do that for themselves.
Thanks again for your concern and help.

moggylover

salesaddict wrote: »

Dear Moggylover,

that is so kind of you to be thinking about me. I hope you won't change your mind about me when you hear that I avoid cats at all costs as I am allergic to them. Dh on the other hand loves them and strays always make a beeline for him.
As you say I think the way to go is to try to resolve my own issues first. I have got some really good, helpful books at the moment to help me understand my motivations. I know with me I am not going to just change overnight because I have been like this for years. With my dh he has been the way he is for years too with the depression coming to the fore at times of crisis. So I can't expect him to change overnight. He is a lot better though and he does seem to be listening when I raise concerns that I have. Also, he is doing well with the not drinking but he does not sleep at all most nights.
I really understand now what you, and I think others have said. You can't fix someone. They have to want to do that for themselves.
Thanks again for your concern and help.

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:You don't have to like cats in order to be a decent human being: it just helps!;) You certainly can't help being allergic to them! If you said you hated animals and were cruel to them I would go off you altogether though:o

I'm working hard on myself at the moment. I haven't got any particular addictions to overcome (apart from smoking which I have cut drastically in the last year and intend to continue doing) as I hardly drink and am not greatly enamoured of retail therapy as I find the transitory good effects badly knocked back by the bad ones. Anyway, I'm agoraphobic and also disabled so I don't have the opportunity for spending greatly:o

My "changes to make" this year, are to improve the agoraphobia enough that I can, at least, consistently go outside within my village every day. To cut the cigarettes still further and possibly get rid of them. And, to take a little time each day to "pamper" myself. These are small steps in making me feel better about myself, which will make me stronger and more able to deal with some bigger life changes which I know I will eventually have to make.

Small steps - gently taken, are much easier to do and much more likely to last

Hugs again!

ninky_2

salesaddict wrote: »

Well, he cancelled the appointment. I suppose in my heart I knew he wouldn't go. I was so angry when he told me. But I have calmed down now and on the positive side he has been a lot better over the past few days. He is actually doing some tidying out of the kitchen cupboards so at least he has broken out of the inertia of sitting on the sofa watching daytime tv. We have also spoken more frankly to each other about how we feel so I will just carry on with the baby steps.

hi salesaddict. i think you need to lay down some ultimatums here. it seems you are looking on the bright side of the situation in an attempt to ignore the reality that he is refusing to get any help for his problem (which i'm sure you realise is a way of trying to deny or fail to 'advertise' that there is a problem). i'm sure he is being a bit better because he's trying to do anything to avoid what must be done (allow the reality of his issues to be voiced beyond the privacy of your relationship). this is unfair because it makes you the sole bearer (other than himself) of his problems.

if he is not depressed or having any problems then why would he avoid going to the doctor?

i'm sorry to sound harsh but you really aren't going to move forward from this simply by talking to each other. you need some input from outside the relationship from people trained to help people deal with these issues.

all the best.

salesaddict

ninky wrote: »

hi salesaddict. i think you need to lay down some ultimatums here. it seems you are looking on the bright side of the situation in an attempt to ignore the reality that he is refusing to get any help for his problem (which i'm sure you realise is a way of trying to deny or fail to 'advertise' that there is a problem). i'm sure he is being a bit better because he's trying to do anything to avoid what must be done (allow the reality of his issues to be voiced beyond the privacy of your relationship). this is unfair because it makes you the sole bearer (other than himself) of his problems.

if he is not depressed or having any problems then why would he avoid going to the doctor?

i'm sorry to sound harsh but you really aren't going to move forward from this simply by talking to each other. you need some input from outside the relationship from people trained to help people deal with these issues.

all the best.

No you don't sound harsh. You are right, but I don't know how to make him face upto reality. I find it hard to give him ultimatums. To be honest I can't really deal with the reality of having a useless bloody partner. I think I just make excuses for him and I don't know how to change things without causing so much hurt to those I love. I don't know how I would cope with things on my own. Everything I try to do seems to make it worse. Sorry for the self-indulgent rant.

Brighton_belle

I'm not sure that ultimatums are always the best way forward Salesaddict. I knew I was incapable of issuing them to my OH. He wouldn't have been able to respond positively to one, nor could I carry through any 'threat'. I didn't want to split up and I knew there was a lot of good kindness in him that I wasn't going to throw away. Small steps have paid great dividends for us, but I was banging my head silently against the wall for sometime before a breakthrough. My OH also had a fear of Big Brother issues that don't always make sense when these fears damage what is, here and now.

I do think you have good signs of progress. Ok, small, but forward moving and the fact you are actually communicating with each other is great. Yes, it was very disappointing he cancelled the appointment, but Rome wasn't built in a day and he has altered his behaiour a bit which shows he can. OK, if it doesn't last, deal with that then. And He needs to keep being told, as appropriate, the effect his behaviour has on you and the family and the legitimate financial fears you have. I am a great believer in lots of praise & appreciation for the good stuff too though, however titchy.

Well done for begining to face up to your own stuff: don't underestimate you have alot going on at the moment and it does take energy dealing with all this and carrying the family.

frostyspice

salesaddict wrote: »

No you don't sound harsh. You are right, but I don't know how to make him face upto reality. I find it hard to give him ultimatums. To be honest I can't really deal with the reality of having a useless bloody partner. I think I just make excuses for him and I don't know how to change things without causing so much hurt to those I love. I don't know how I would cope with things on my own. Everything I try to do seems to make it worse. Sorry for the self-indulgent rant.

OK - here's my advice (I'm learning too - you know that!)

1. You can't make him face up to reality. God knows you've tried, so give yourself a rest and leave him to it. If, as you've said, you really believe that everything you've tried to do makes it worse, then don't do anything any more. See if doing nothing is easier for you.

2. Don't make any excuses for him any more. I've been there, done that, and have now discovered that it's no good for anyone. No one will judge you on his behaviour.

3. You don't know how you would cope with things on your own .... None of us know what that is like until we've tried it and it seems a scary prospect - but you are doing most things on your own already.

Now I'm off to take my own advice!!

Hang in there salesaddict and keep coming back here x

moggylover

salesaddict wrote: »

No you don't sound harsh. You are right, but I don't know how to make him face upto reality. I find it hard to give him ultimatums. To be honest I can't really deal with the reality of having a useless bloody partner. I think I just make excuses for him and I don't know how to change things without causing so much hurt to those I love. I don't know how I would cope with things on my own. Everything I try to do seems to make it worse. Sorry for the self-indulgent rant.

Perhaps it is harsh, and perhaps it is not! There is never a one size fits all answer to any situation, and it doesn't sound to me as if you are feeling well enough yourself to be laying down ultimatums and coping on your own: YET!

If everything you do for him makes it worth then do nothing for him and EVERYTHING for yourself! Withdraw a bit if you can, and don't focus on loving him just on loving you and your kids and getting yourself well enough to cope with whatever you then decide you have to cope with. Maybe that is with him, and maybe alone - but you need to be strong enough to make and stick to any decisions and not make them in a panic or because you feel you have no choices left! Believe me, I have done that and it never works well:o

Perhaps going to some counselling yourself would be a good place to start? I'm not sure the best places to go for this, but Relate do take people that are struggling in a relationship even if only one partner goes and I'm sure your doctors might know of other places. I have been paying privately, which is not a cheap option I'm afraid:o

Ninky is quite right in many ways: but you have to know that YOU are ready for all that side of it and if you are not then that is not your fault and you just need to work towards being strong enough for now and not worry if other people do not think you are going fast enough.

However, sometimes, we do have to make decisions that hurt those that we love because the long term hurt will be greater if we let the status quo continue. I think you know that in your heart, but you need to work on getting there a bit more gently perhaps.

Chin up Sweetheart! We cannot all do it exactly the same: it is our differences that make us individuals;)

salesaddict

Thankyou all for your kind words. I will reply more tomorrow I feel so tired now.