A man's view of dealing with unemployment and depression

salesaddict

frostyspice wrote: »

His drinking is a massive part of the problem, perhaps even the root of the problem.

You concern me when you say it seems to take very little these days to make him drunk. This will be because you are not seeing the true extent of his drinking. He will be drinking in secret. You are only seeing as much of the drink as he is allowing you to.

I too thought this about my husband who appeared depressed and unable to take his drink any more. Now after the year from hell I know why. He is an alcoholic. The stuff makes you depressed and unambitious. Alcoholics don't have to drink every day, fall down in the gutter, or swear at passers-by etc to be alcoholics. If it starts interfering in life to the level it is his, then he's an alcoholic. He is clearly in denial.

You say he's managed a week sober for the first time in 15 years? Big deal! Listen to yourself - the man is an alcoholic.

Go to Al-Anon and start talking. You won't like what you hear but by God in five years' time you'll know I was right.

The very best of luck.

No you are right, I don' t like what I hear which does not at all mean that you are not right in what you say. I will really think about this. Are you still with your husband. How are you coping at the moment?

salesaddict

isthatreduced wrote: »

That is where people go wrong thinking it is up to them,and feeling like they are a failure if they can't fix a person or make them happy.

Only you can decide if enough is enough and I wouldn't presume to suggest you leaving,just that you should not plod along thinking" if only and I need to try harder".
You owe it to yourself and your family to live a happy life.
If this is just a rough patch fine,but if it has become a lifestyle ,you have to ask the hard questions ,why am I still here,don't stay for the guilt trip wondering if you are a bad person ect.
Somethings can't be fixed sorted out and you need to be able to recognise if this is one of those times.
I have seen it and someone like your husband has to make the decisions to change by seeking help you are not the cause or the cure,it is within him to change or not.
You only get one life ,don't spend it unhappy.

Yes you are right in all you say. I think a large part of staying goes back to my childhood. My Dad's binge drinking and depression made our childhoods a misery,
and yes of course I see the pattern here. My beloved Mum who I lost 4 years ago was a devout Catholic with a really strong faith. So she would never have left the marriage. If someone else was in my position I would give the same opinion and advice that you are giving. But it is never straight forward when it is you who is going through it. I hope this makes sense.

salesaddict

roger196 wrote: »

I know I need to post my SOA. I also know it will be ripped to shreds and there will be some very harsh comments. We like to think of it as constructive criticism.


I have not mentioned that I am a shopaholic and I am really trying to get that under control.
If you want some basic psychology of why people are spendaholics read "Games people play" by Eric Berne. It is a bit old, my copy was 65p new!
People are only "cured" if they want to be cured and it is a lifelong problem which has to be faced and overcome every day.

OH Sleeping problems
Try going without tea or coffee for four days, to see if there is any improvement. Drink water instead. Be aware that people get addicted to tea/ coffee and suffer withdrawal symptoms.

Thankyou Roger I will do the Soa sometime this weekend that put my tin hat on and take cover.
I will make sure I get a copy of the book. I am a caffeine addict so I think I may need to join him on the water

frostyspice

Hi sales addict, I am temporarily separated for the good of the kids and myself but nothing has been resolved yet over house or finances. My OH goes into rehab shortly. To be honest I am not coping especially well but Al-Anon is a great support (go a few times before you decide it's not for you - the format can take a bit of getting used to but the people there are fantastic) and there is more support out there than you might think.

I see your Dad was a drinker - mine was too. That's why I didn't want to believe I'd married one. I was even Googling medical conditions that might make people get drunk extra quickly! Then my OH admitted that he'd been drinking from hidden bottles at the same time that I'd seen him with one glass of wine...

One of the big things I get from Al-Anon is that you didn't cause someone else's problem drinking, you can't control it and you can't cure it (the 3 Cs). It's a hard lesson to learn but ultimately it will save your sanity.

Send me a private message if you like. Take care.

ATHERTON_2

Hi, for 35 years i have fought with depression,in my experience i dont believe that drinking and unemployment bring on depression rather depression leads to unemploment and drinking .[of course not all].some ease the pain with drink, and how do you hold down a job when you struggle to do the easy tasks
the first thing that you need to do is overcome the term mental illness ,without doubt there is still a great deal of stigma but you need to get over this , there are some great people working the n.h.s. So follow the advice given and dont be afraid of the medication it can and does work wonders.
If he enters the system he will meet teachers and tramps some mad ,some sad, but if he invoves himself he can gain lots of insight into his own condition.he may make a full recovery or like lots of us learn to live with it much like diabeties
i hope that you both find some peace

salesaddict

Sorry, we have had another bad night. I wanted to reply to each post separately but I am too exhausted. I just want to say thanks. I feel a bit overwhelmed by people bothering to do things like search on google and taking the time to give me such good advice. I have taken everything on board but it will take me time to put all this good advice into practical steps. My husband's brother turned up unexpectedly tonight and could see how bad he is. He will help us, I am sure, as he has years of counselling experience. I have also taken advice re our debts and I am hoping this will really help us to cope.
Thanks again and I will post more when I am more able

grey_lady

Good luck Saleaddict.

margaretclare

Not registering at the JobCentre is serious because it will affect his retirement pension.

Brighton_belle

Hi salesaddict. Couldn't read and run.

I have the same levl of Psoriasis and PA as you DH so I know how unbareable that can be - high levels of Ps and pa cause immense exhaustion - my consultant likened me having to walk 100 yds of the hospital corridor as like for someelse running it. My life and potential have been curtaile by these conditions and the utter exhaution thatcomes with it.
Delighted to hear the enbrel has worked for him, but I want to say I understand that yrs and yrs of suffering will have contributed to a huge dent in self esteem that will have quite probably become a pattern of behaviour. (Mine too is currently under control with meds but the meds casue extreme tiredness too for me).
As you know, Ps at that level of 80% is hugely disfiguring and it is very difficult to go out socially looking like that and trailing buckets of dead skin behind you whre ever you sit etc. Drinking isn't good to ps either but I could understand anyone beng driven to drink by it - the pain and exhaustion it causes: I liken it to being rolled in broken glass, sand and nettles all at the same time.

My OH has been through a 4 yr period of depression /out of work/wouldn't look for work (not lazy just felt so worthless and terrified of further rejection) or sign on - which has also affected his future pension of course. It was impossible to make him face up to anything - he would just shut down and he got very close to losing his house too. It is very hard when a partner just refuses point blank to take the simplest of steps to prevent misery and disaster (and refused to see GP for a very long time) and I bent over backward to be as gentle, reassuring and non threatning/supportiveas possible (becasue he is a good man and I love him for good reasons).
4 yrs in things have at last been turned around: I can only say this happened through tiny tiny breakthroughs that I nurtured and made each new step 'safe' before trying for the next one.
However, I think your DH sounds in a worst place and i am relieved to hear his brother has turned up and may now share the care and worry with you.
They say the darkest hour is before dawn: I hope this crisis, dreadful as it is , brings breakthrough.

roger196

Brighton_belle wrote: »

My OH has been through a 4 yr period of depression /out of work/wouldn't look for work (not lazy just felt so worthless and terrified of further rejection) or sign on - which has also affected his future pension of course. .

Worth writing to the DWP (relevant minister from their website) and asking whether their rules of not crediting contributions for pension purposes in these circs fall foul of the principles of the Disability Discrimination Act. Do not write to the local office, this must be dealt with by a policy unit at head office. If you wish me to review the letter before sending it, you can always pm me.