A man's view of dealing with unemployment and depression

isthatreduced

salesaddict wrote: »

But I feel that it is up to me, for all our sakes. I need to do everything I can to help him through this time and out the other side. You know "for better, for worse" and all that. His problems are my problems because I love him. He would not abandon me.But like me he would struggle with knowing what action to take. I have to emphasise that he is a really wonderful Father. I could never take that away from him. He would be the first to admit that he is not the most romantic husband. There have never been any grand gestures or anything like that.
I am sorry that you have had a bad experience and I do take on board what you mean about only he can change, but depression seems to take your energy and hope away as I think The banker and Pusscat mentioned in their posts.

That is where people go wrong thinking it is up to them,and feeling like they are a failure if they can't fix a person or make them happy.

Only you can decide if enough is enough and I wouldn't presume to suggest you leaving,just that you should not plod along thinking" if only and I need to try harder".
You owe it to yourself and your family to live a happy life.
If this is just a rough patch fine,but if it has become a lifestyle ,you have to ask the hard questions ,why am I still here,don't stay for the guilt trip wondering if you are a bad person ect.
Somethings can't be fixed sorted out and you need to be able to recognise if this is one of those times.
I have seen it and someone like your husband has to make the decisions to change by seeking help you are not the cause or the cure,it is within him to change or not.
You only get one life ,don't spend it unhappy.

Mutter_2

isthatreduced wrote: »

Can I just say that it isn't up to you to fix him you must tell yourself that and keep repeating that to yourself and not take on board his problems,and become racked with guilt.
Only he himself can do that and you must not let him drag you and his family with him.
I am the adult child of a parent that had serious problems and it does affect the Family unit,and still affects me now.
He alone can take steps to get help all you can do is support him when he decides(if he decides) to seek help.
Don't let the years slip by if things don't change you will have to accept it or leave.

One of the worst things about depression is that the sufferer doesn't realise they are depressed.

I'm not referring to "feeling fed up", or "down in the dumps", but clinical depression. Believe me, if you haven't experienced it, and I hope you never do, the worst thing to hear is "pull yourself together".

You don't want to see or speak to anyone, nothing seems worthwhile and the future hopeless.
It is not possible to one morning get out of bed and think right today I'm going to change. Depression is debilitating, which is why he does need help from his wife.

He sounds a sensisitive and intelligent man. SalesAddict, can he not see a GP other than his usual one? He may be prescribed short term mood lifters along with counselling. I know he doesn't want to as he sees everything as pointless. That's the nature of depression. But see a GP he must.

I've been Googling since reading this thread and discounting the sharks who want my money for an EBook, there is a lot of help out there. This site describes well the feelings of depression well.http://uhs.berkeley.edu/lookforthesigns/clinicaldepression.shtml

I see no reason why his drinking should be mentioned to a GP. We all know that after the first couple of drinks it depresses us more. Depression on his records won't matter either if he becomes a self employed electrician.

I just searched "electrician courses" and see that theory can be done at home.

Make sure he eats natural food, new research shows this matters. (Vit D, take a look on "nat med forums" for dosage)

Hope it starts getting better for you all soon.

roger196

I know I need to post my SOA. I also know it will be ripped to shreds and there will be some very harsh comments. We like to think of it as constructive criticism.


I have not mentioned that I am a shopaholic and I am really trying to get that under control.
If you want some basic psychology of why people are spendaholics read "Games people play" by Eric Berne. It is a bit old, my copy was 65p new!
People are only "cured" if they want to be cured and it is a lifelong problem which has to be faced and overcome every day.

OH Sleeping problems
Try going without tea or coffee for four days, to see if there is any improvement. Drink water instead. Be aware that people get addicted to tea/ coffee and suffer withdrawal symptoms.

Primrose

salesaddict - From reading your responses I can quite understand why you must be tearing your hair out with all the negativity which is coming from your husband, much as you love him.

Firstly, can you get your husband to change his GP to yours? Knowing he will face a different, more sympathetic individual might give him the courage he needs to make this first step. I know myself how a negative attitude from a doctor with poor inter-personal skills can make a health situation seem like the end of the tunnel is completely blocked off from you, leaving you with nowhere to go.

Secondly, would you consider setting up an account in your own name into which your salary is paid and which covers the household bills? If your husband has the slightest drink problem, you need to cut off access for money to buy alcohol. It's a problem which can get out of hand very quickly indeed and depression almost inevitably fuels alcoholism.

Thirdly, from what you've said, it sounds as if the time for paddling gently may be over if house possession / bankruptcy is looming which could put your job at risk. Your husband sounds as if he has virtually "given up" on life and sometimes, to put it bluntly, people in these depressive states can be prone to increasing thoughts about suicide, even if they never vocalise them to other people around them. Sometimes sadly, it just seems to them to be an easier way of them solving all their problems so you must not let things slide to this point.

So, find a quiet time to sit down with him and tell him bluntly that the situation now has to change drastically, and outline to him what is going to happen. No more room for rengotiation or refusals on his part. Tell him you will support him every step of the way, but that there will be no more dragging of heels or burying of heads in sand because the issue has now got to the serious state where the whole family is being sucked down into the quicksands.

It seems unfair to suggest that you try and get your teenage son on board in this, but if he's mature enough to give you support, and you think this will be what forces the issue, it may be worth considering.

Th fear of change and worry about not being able to deal with it is something that affects many of us. Small step-by-step changes we are more able to cope with, but a complete life-style change where everything is different takes courage, even for those of us with reasonable self confidence. But either your husband is going to opt out emotionally to the point where he will become so depressed and mentally ill that he will end up needing psychiatric treatment, or he will be forced by his family, willy-nilly and with a great deal of support, to participate to help turn things around.

I know you don't want another family scene like the last one. It must have been very distressing. But do you want bankruptcy, loss of your own job and the means of supporting your family either? Do you have parents or in-laws who can talk to your husband and try and make him understand what a terrible position he is putting you all in and who can give you some support here?

In the end, if you can't get some movement here, you may end up having to choose between your husband and protecting your childrens' well-being , and that would be a really horrible situation to find yourself in.

You may be forced to tell him that you now fear for his mental state of health and will be calling his GP to the house to examine him, and if necessary, section him so that he can be forced to go for psychiatric accept the treatment he needs to deal with his depression and inability to deal with life. In extreme cases this sounds a terrible thing to have to do to somebody you love but from what you say it sounds as if your husband is now not completely in his right mind and possibly no longer, because of his depression, unable to make sensible decisions for himself.

ninky_2

salesaddict i'm sure we all feel for your difficult situation but sympathy is not going to change it unfortunately.

it sounds like your husband is suffering from crippling depression. as such it needs to be treated as an illness that is preventing him from moving on with his life at the moment. he needs medical help (from a doctor you can both trust).

i would suggest while he is suffering this you give yourself manageable timeframes of action. in this initial periold let him know that you will be taking over the finances - get another bank account if necessary. can you actually manage this?

give him permission not to always be striving to do something. let him find small things he can maybe take joy in. let him know that this is a temporary situation, that you are there to support him and that things will get better. let him know that you have every faith in him.

give yourself a deadline as to when you will look at the situation again (three months?). if he is more energised you can move things forward. maybe find electrician courses he could do - there is still a big demand for qualified electricians. if he is in the same way repeat the first process.

only stay if you want to and because you love him. don't be a martyr.

salesaddict

Thankyou all so much for your wonderful posts. I cannot respond tonight as the situation has deteriorated and I need to speak seriously to my husband and go to his doctors with him tomorrow morning. I just didn't want to stay silent when people have been so amazingly generous with their good advice.

Hardup_Hester

Salesaddict
Don't waste money on hubby retraining as an electrician unless he has a job, because although he can do the training he cannot become qualified unless he does work that can be checked by the 'examining body' & it is illegal for him to do the work unless he is qualified. It's a catch 22 situation, he really needs to be employed by a qualified elelctrician or have someone who can 'pass' his work as safe. Lot's of companies out there are happy to charge £1000 for a course but don't tell you that the course is worthless.
Hester
Hester

salesaddict

Hardup_Hester wrote: »

Salesaddict
Don't waste money on hubby retraining as an electrician unless he has a job, because although he can do the training he cannot become qualified unless he does work that can be checked by the 'examining body' & it is illegal for him to do the work unless he is qualified. It's a catch 22 situation, he really needs to be employed by a qualified elelctrician or have someone who can 'pass' his work as safe. Lot's of companies out there are happy to charge £1000 for a course but don't tell you that the course is worthless.
Hester
Hester

Thankyou Hester,

I will speak to him about this. He was a qualified electrician some 30 years ago now and that was on the 13th edition. I think its upto about the 22nd edition or something now. We sent off for the wiring regulations etc for domestic installation but he has been overwhelmed by the amount of stuff there is to read through . I have said to him to just do a small chunk each day but it is only now that I understand that for someone who is depressed, just getting up in the morning is an effort. Thanks again and I will mention this fact to him at some point.

frostyspice

His drinking is a massive part of the problem, perhaps even the root of the problem.

You concern me when you say it seems to take very little these days to make him drunk. This will be because you are not seeing the true extent of his drinking. He will be drinking in secret. You are only seeing as much of the drink as he is allowing you to.

I too thought this about my husband who appeared depressed and unable to take his drink any more. Now after the year from hell I know why. He is an alcoholic. The stuff makes you depressed and unambitious. Alcoholics don't have to drink every day, fall down in the gutter, or swear at passers-by etc to be alcoholics. If it starts interfering in life to the level it is his, then he's an alcoholic. He is clearly in denial.

You say he's managed a week sober for the first time in 15 years? Big deal! Listen to yourself - the man is an alcoholic.

Go to Al-Anon and start talking. You won't like what you hear but by God in five years' time you'll know I was right.

The very best of luck.

frostyspice

Mutter wrote: »

I see no reason why his drinking should be mentioned to a GP.

???!!! Are you crazy? The man can't stop drinking for more than a week and it's not worth mentioning to his doctor?