A man's view of dealing with unemployment and depression

ATHERTON_2

Lots of good advice, but you must consider this is going to be as good as it gets and try to adapt and come to terms that this will be a long battle that will be a rollercoaster of a ride.
Depression is a curse that sometmes can not be put back in the bottle .
Sorry for the downer

salesaddict

ATHERTON wrote: »

Lots of good advice, but you must consider this is going to be as good as it gets and try to adapt and come to terms that this will be a long battle that will be a rollercoaster of a ride.
Depression is a curse that sometmes can not be put back in the bottle .
Sorry for the downer

it's not a downer, i think it is realistic.
I will adapt, there is no way I would abandon him. It's just that I needed to off-load as I have been coping with this for so long and I need to find a way out for us. And also to be honest I am frightened. Thanks for taking the time to post. Have you been through something like this yourself?

Savvy_Sue

OK, so he won't go to AA, but there's nothing to stop you or your children using Al-Anon or Alateen, and you might find it helpful. It's support for you and the children, not him, and right now if you can't help him you must help yourselves.

pusscat

Salesaddict,

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time - I am no expert in any of these areas, but some time ago I was having some vaguely similar problems....

My area of work dried up and I ended up spending quite a long period at home, I had quite a few big emotional problems in the last few years and somehow I just sat at home and did not really achieve anything. I could not focus, I could not sleep, or when I did I still woke up feeling awful and I really did not understand what was going on with me....I just kind of lived in a dream for ages.
I tried to set up my own business (in a different area) as I felt guilty not bringing in any money, but I could not really get motivated, which made me feel even worse about myself....I wondered if I was depressed, or having a nervous breakdown as I could just not focus, could not get myself together and I was just a wreck.

Eventually I went to see a hypnotherapist as I thought it might help the sleeping. This lady was also a career coach and within 3 sessions I had a completely new outlook on life - she sorted the sleeping out by hypnosis, helped me let go of the stress and anxiety, and also helped me focus on what I liked/was good at - she did not do it for me - she just asked questions in a way which made me think differently, suddenly the answers became obvious and I knew exactly what I should do.

I am not saying that this would be the solution for your husband, but it may be worth looking into. Many men seem to struggle with counselling as they have to tell someone their darkest most painful secrets and fears, hypnosis works far more along the lines of the therpaist guides you through a series of exercises in your mind and you tell them as much or as little as you like - it does not affect the outcome.

I am not very "alternative" but I did not want to take sleeping pills as I knew it was just masking the problem - so the hypnosis was just to see if it helped.
It was actually very pleasant, there is none of the things you expect, no watches, no look into my eyes and all that - you just sit in a chair and feel nice and relaxed, you are totally in control, you cannot be made to do anything you are uncomfortable with, and in general I would say it has to be worth a try.

I did discover that the industry is totally unregulated, anyone can call themselves a hypnotherapist with no real training, so if you do go, look for a personal recommendation or look for someone who is registered with one of the big regulating bodies so that at least you can be sure they have had some decent training.

My sessions were about 90 minutes each and cost £75 each - but I can honestly say it was the best money I have spent for a long time.

I hope this helps a bit.....take care of yourself

Puss
xx

MrsAnnie

Sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through. I will not address the depression side of the problem but will address the financial side, which appears to be an enormous issue in itself, especially since you use the word repossession in your post.


You need to control of all the finances now. Do up a Statement of Affairs aka SOA, where you can see all the incomings and outgoings of the household. This may be scary and a real eyeopener - but needs to be done if you want to avoid bankruptcy and repossession. Look through all contracts and rates that you are on for utilities and services. Are they all on the best rate possible? Go to the comparision sites like Moneysupermarket and Comparethemarket. If you haven't done this yet, I can almost guarentee there ARE savings to be made! Look through mobile contracts, internet access contracts, everything that you pay a direct debit or monthly payment for. Insurance (house, home, car, lifeinsurance). There is almost always a better deal to be had. If you can't find a better deal on the internet, ring up the supplier and see if they can offer you one. Then look at your weekly shopping cost - are you paying way too much given the number of you in the household? Mealplanning is a fantastic way to cut your grocery bill down.

If you visit the DFW board and post your Statement of Affairs, the peeps on there will give you some invaluable advice. Alot of people on there pay ridiculously low prices for things, because they know how and where to get the best price! Granted it does take ALOT of time to unearth the best deal and keep ontop of the best rate, but it really does save oodles! And the money you saving on say insurance, electrics and gas can be redirected towards your mortgage.

Once you have fine tuned your SOA you will have a clearer picture of your financial outlook.



Sorry for waffling on, but moneysaving does become very addictive!

salesaddict

pusscat wrote: »

Salesaddict,

Sorry to hear that you are having a rough time - I am no expert in any of these areas, but some time ago I was having some vaguely similar problems....

My area of work dried up and I ended up spending quite a long period at home, I had quite a few big emotional problems in the last few years and somehow I just sat at home and did not really achieve anything. I could not focus, I could not sleep, or when I did I still woke up feeling awful and I really did not understand what was going on with me....I just kind of lived in a dream for ages.
I tried to set up my own business (in a different area) as I felt guilty not bringing in any money, but I could not really get motivated, which made me feel even worse about myself....I wondered if I was depressed, or having a nervous breakdown as I could just not focus, could not get myself together and I was just a wreck.

Eventually I went to see a hypnotherapist as I thought it might help the sleeping. This lady was also a career coach and within 3 sessions I had a completely new outlook on life - she sorted the sleeping out by hypnosis, helped me let go of the stress and anxiety, and also helped me focus on what I liked/was good at - she did not do it for me - she just asked questions in a way which made me think differently, suddenly the answers became obvious and I knew exactly what I should do.

I am not saying that this would be the solution for your husband, but it may be worth looking into. Many men seem to struggle with counselling as they have to tell someone their darkest most painful secrets and fears, hypnosis works far more along the lines of the therpaist guides you through a series of exercises in your mind and you tell them as much or as little as you like - it does not affect the outcome.

I am not very "alternative" but I did not want to take sleeping pills as I knew it was just masking the problem - so the hypnosis was just to see if it helped.
It was actually very pleasant, there is none of the things you expect, no watches, no look into my eyes and all that - you just sit in a chair and feel nice and relaxed, you are totally in control, you cannot be made to do anything you are uncomfortable with, and in general I would say it has to be worth a try.

I did discover that the industry is totally unregulated, anyone can call themselves a hypnotherapist with no real training, so if you do go, look for a personal recommendation or look for someone who is registered with one of the big regulating bodies so that at least you can be sure they have had some decent training.

My sessions were about 90 minutes each and cost £75 each - but I can honestly say it was the best money I have spent for a long time.

I hope this helps a bit.....take care of yourself

Puss
xx

Hi Puss,

thankyou so much for your post. What you have described is exactly what my husband is going through. I am going to look into this and find a reputable practitioner. I think it is something I could persuade him to try. I will let you know.
Thankyou again.xx

salesaddict

MrsAnnie wrote: »

Sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through. I will not address the depression side of the problem but will address the financial side, which appears to be an enormous issue in itself, especially since you use the word repossession in your post.


You need to control of all the finances now. Do up a Statement of Affairs aka SOA, where you can see all the incomings and outgoings of the household. This may be scary and a real eyeopener - but needs to be done if you want to avoid bankruptcy and repossession. Look through all contracts and rates that you are on for utilities and services. Are they all on the best rate possible? Go to the comparision sites like Moneysupermarket and Comparethemarket. If you haven't done this yet, I can almost guarentee there ARE savings to be made! Look through mobile contracts, internet access contracts, everything that you pay a direct debit or monthly payment for. Insurance (house, home, car, lifeinsurance). There is almost always a better deal to be had. If you can't find a better deal on the internet, ring up the supplier and see if they can offer you one. Then look at your weekly shopping cost - are you paying way too much given the number of you in the household? Mealplanning is a fantastic way to cut your grocery bill down.

If you visit the DFW board and post your Statement of Affairs, the peeps on there will give you some invaluable advice. Alot of people on there pay ridiculously low prices for things, because they know how and where to get the best price! Granted it does take ALOT of time to unearth the best deal and keep ontop of the best rate, but it really does save oodles! And the money you saving on say insurance, electrics and gas can be redirected towards your mortgage.

Once you have fine tuned your SOA you will have a clearer picture of your financial outlook.



Sorry for waffling on, but moneysaving does become very addictive!

thankyou Mrs Annie,

I have been lurking on DFW and the Bankruptcy thread since October.
I know I need to post my SOA. I also know it will be ripped to shreds and there will be some very harsh comments. I have not mentioned that I am a shopaholic and I am really trying to get that under control. Better late than never I suppose. I will do my SOA this weekend and I will confirm on this thread once I have done it. Thankyou so much for your post it is certainly not waffle, but full of good advice. I have started somethings like the meal planning etc. But I have to do all the other things you mention and this has to become a way of life for me.
Thanks again.

isthatreduced

Can I just say that it isn't up to you to fix him you must tell yourself that and keep repeating that to yourself and not take on board his problems,and become racked with guilt.
Only he himself can do that and you must not let him drag you and his family with him.
I am the adult child of a parent that had serious problems and it does affect the Family unit,and still affects me now.
He alone can take steps to get help all you can do is support him when he decides(if he decides) to seek help.
Don't let the years slip by if things don't change you will have to accept it or leave.

salesaddict

isthatreduced wrote: »

Can I just say that it isn't up to you to fix him you must tell yourself that and keep repeating that to yourself and not take on board his problems,and become racked with guilt.
Only he himself can do that and you must not let him drag you and his family with him.
I am the adult child of a parent that had serious problems and it does affect the Family unit,and still affects me now.
He alone can take steps to get help all you can do is support him when he decides(if he decides) to seek help.
Don't let the years slip by if things don't change you will have to accept it or leave.

But I feel that it is up to me, for all our sakes. I need to do everything I can to help him through this time and out the other side. You know "for better, for worse" and all that. His problems are my problems because I love him. He would not abandon me.But like me he would struggle with knowing what action to take. I have to emphasise that he is a really wonderful Father. I could never take that away from him. He would be the first to admit that he is not the most romantic husband. There have never been any grand gestures or anything like that.
I am sorry that you have had a bad experience and I do take on board what you mean about only he can change, but depression seems to take your energy and hope away as I think The banker and Pusscat mentioned in their posts.

Savvy_Sue

But you can't 'fix' him without help, and so far he doesn't want to accept any help. Therefore, you can't 'fix' him.

So it's up to you to get help for yourself and your children, but you possibly need to consider that HIS situation and outlook may not change. So, what can you do if it doesn't?