A man's view of dealing with unemployment and depression

Brighton_belle

roger196 wrote: »

Worth writing to the DWP (relevant minister from their website) and asking whether their rules of not crediting contributions for pension purposes in these circs fall foul of the principles of the Disability Discrimination Act. Do not write to the local office, this must be dealt with by a policy unit at head office. If you wish me to review the letter before sending it, you can always pm me.

That's very kind of you, thanks roger. But my OH wasn't formally diagnosed as he refused to see GP(he did in the end, and also finally signed on after 4 yrs - and administrative nightmare if ever there was one) so I don't think this one is a goer: its me with the official health problem and I'm ok in terms of contributions. I do need to see if we can top up his pension ourselves , now we are on the cusp of getting him financially straight once more and he is now employed . Thanks though.:T

Sorry for minny detour of your thread OP.

Mutter_2

frostyspice wrote: »

???!!! Are you crazy? The man can't stop drinking for more than a week and it's not worth mentioning to his doctor?

Thankyou for your concern. I don't think I am.

Rather an inappropriate question though bearing in mind the thread content!

As for consulting a GP on drinking too much? Bit like asking the music industry on how to give up drugs or investment bankers on how to stop drinking champagne.

A great number of GP's drink too much. I know of three severe alcoholics who are practising at present, another who sadly died recently, all in a small market Town.

They can't help one another let alone SalesAddict's husband.

It is the debilitating depression that needs addressing first. SA's Husband knows he is drinking for reasons other than social, that is why he is trying to abstain.

I saw your post further down on how drink is wrecking your lives and I so wish you all well. But no case is the same.

SA's husband may not be hiding drink as yours is.

Maybe your husband is not depressed/or is.

There is an old saying.

Q. "What is an alcoholic?"
A. "Someone who drinks more than me."

Empathy and thinking sideways is needed here. No cure fits all.

I am so glad that SA has some help now.

Thank God for a decent man who is not cheating. Makes a change.

salesaddict

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Hi salesaddict. Couldn't read and run.

I have the same levl of Psoriasis and PA as you DH so I know how unbareable that can be - high levels of Ps and pa cause immense exhaustion - my consultant likened me having to walk 100 yds of the hospital corridor as like for someelse running it. My life and potential have been curtaile by these conditions and the utter exhaution thatcomes with it.
Delighted to hear the enbrel has worked for him, but I want to say I understand that yrs and yrs of suffering will have contributed to a huge dent in self esteem that will have quite probably become a pattern of behaviour. (Mine too is currently under control with meds but the meds casue extreme tiredness too for me).
As you know, Ps at that level of 80% is hugely disfiguring and it is very difficult to go out socially looking like that and trailing buckets of dead skin behind you whre ever you sit etc. Drinking isn't good to ps either but I could understand anyone beng driven to drink by it - the pain and exhaustion it causes: I liken it to being rolled in broken glass, sand and nettles all at the same time.

My OH has been through a 4 yr period of depression /out of work/wouldn't look for work (not lazy just felt so worthless and terrified of further rejection) or sign on - which has also affected his future pension of course. It was impossible to make him face up to anything - he would just shut down and he got very close to losing his house too. It is very hard when a partner just refuses point blank to take the simplest of steps to prevent misery and disaster (and refused to see GP for a very long time) and I bent over backward to be as gentle, reassuring and non threatning/supportiveas possible (becasue he is a good man and I love him for good reasons).
4 yrs in things have at last been turned around: I can only say this happened through tiny tiny breakthroughs that I nurtured and made each new step 'safe' before trying for the next one.
However, I think your DH sounds in a worst place and i am relieved to hear his brother has turned up and may now share the care and worry with you.
They say the darkest hour is before dawn: I hope this crisis, dreadful as it is , brings breakthrough.

Thankyou so much. You really understand from personal experience and everytime I read this post it makes me tearful. He didn't respond well to his brother. But he seems to have come out of the punch drunk sort of torpor that he had got into for the past few days that made me so worried. He just keeps repeating to me over and over that he will be alright and he will get through it on his own, that is without the Doctor.

salesaddict

Mutter wrote: »

Thankyou for your concern. I don't think I am.

Rather an inappropriate question though bearing in mind the thread content!

As for consulting a GP on drinking too much? Bit like asking the music industry on how to give up drugs or investment bankers on how to stop drinking champagne.

A great number of GP's drink too much. I know of three severe alcoholics who are practising at present, another who sadly died recently, all in a small market Town.

They can't help one another let alone SalesAddict's husband.

It is the debilitating depression that needs addressing first. SA's Husband knows he is drinking for reasons other than social, that is why he is trying to abstain.

I saw your post further down on how drink is wrecking your lives and I so wish you all well. But no case is the same.

SA's husband may not be hiding drink as yours is.

Maybe your husband is not depressed/or is.

There is an old saying.

Q. "What is an alcoholic?"
A. "Someone who drinks more than me."

Empathy and thinking sideways is needed here. No cure fits all.

I am so glad that SA has some help now.

Thank God for a decent man who is not cheating. Makes a change.

Mutter

Thankyou so much for your help. The website describing clinical depression has really helped me to understand the condtion more.
My Mum always used to say that my dh is a decent man who would never cheat me or anyone, so it is strange that the last line of your post should echo that

Savvy_Sue

salesaddict wrote: »

Thankyou so much. You really understand from personal experience and everytime I read this post it makes me tearful. He didn't respond well to his brother. But he seems to have come out of the punch drunk sort of torpor that he had got into for the past few days that made me so worried. He just keeps repeating to me over and over that he will be alright and he will get through it on his own, that is without the Doctor.

Sometimes, I think people need to be told that their 'I'll be alright, I can do this on my own' attitude is just not fair on those around them.

I don't know quite how you do this if you're one of the onlookers. I know I went through a few long periods of depression, during which I refused all my GP's offers of medication, and it was only afterwards that I realised how unpleasant it must have been for DH. When I did eventually accept medication, I sometimes wished I'd done so earlier.

Maybe if he'd made me aware how difficult it was for him, I'd have dealt with things differently, but I had no insight into his perspective. And I guess for him that my inability to do much and utter dependence on him to take over the minute he walked in the door after a long hard day at work was 'just the way things were'.

I think what I'm saying is that as long as you are prepared to accept this as normal, for you and your children, it will go on being normal. And that may lead to difficulties for them and for you which MIGHT be reduced if you refuse to go along with this "I'll be alright" attitude.

I dare say this refusal will lead to him feeling terribly guilty. IMO guilt is a completely useless but debilitating emotion - I find I need to work out whether I AM guilty (in which case I need to DO something about it), or NOT guilty (in which case I tell myself to stop FEELING guilty). Of course that sounds a whole lot easier than it is, but if he feels guilty because he IS guilty, then it's up to him to do something about it.

Of course being depressed is not something to feel guilty about, he can't help that, but it's too easy to wallow around not doing anything about trying to get better, which he CAN help.

I hope that makes some sort of sense, and ties in with the 'you can't fix him' responses we were giving earlier.

Lotus-eater

Mutter wrote: »

As for consulting a GP on drinking too much? Bit like asking the music industry on how to give up drugs or investment bankers on how to stop drinking champagne.

A great number of GP's drink too much. I know of three severe alcoholics who are practising at present, another who sadly died recently, all in a small market Town.

They can't help one another let alone SalesAddict's husband.

Talk about a sweeping generalisation, sorry all the GP's you know are like that, I can assure you most are not.
And even if they are, AA is run by alcoholics, do you think there is anyone better to advise?
Telling her not to go to the doctor is a very dangerous road.

Mutter wrote: »

Q. "What is an alcoholic?"
A. "Someone who drinks more than me."

Empathy and thinking sideways is needed here. No cure fits all.

Obviously no cure fits all, everyone is different, but to say that about alcoholics is silly. An alcoholic, needs alcohol, can't get by without it, is always planning when the next drink will be, whether that's in an hour, or in a week.
Of course they all tend to drink alot, but it's not the amount that makes an alcoholic, it's how they drink and what drink means to them.

SA's OH may or may not be an alcoholic, only she and ultimately he will know that.

Alcoholism and depression go hand in hand, like someone else said, depression often causes alcoholism, not the other way round. Then it's a vicious circle, alcohol causes depression, you drink alcohol to deal with feeling depressed, therefore you get more depressed.

Breaking the cycle doesn't just mean not having the next drink, it means sorting out everything at once, the depression, the moods, the relationship problems, anything else that relates to that particular person.

salesaddict

I think what I'm saying is that as long as you are prepared to accept this as normal, for you and your children, it will go on being normal. And that may lead to difficulties for them and for you which MIGHT be reduced if you refuse to go along with this "I'll be alright" attitude. Yes this has just really hit home with me. I have accepted this as normal for years really to a greater or lesser extent. I, by my nature, am a really friendly, outgoing sort of person. I really love meeting people and chatting. I would have loved to have been part of a circle of friends. You know like I see other "normal" couples doing. Having people to dinner, going on holiday together. I have always bowed to my husband's wishes to keep away from all that. It has caused me alot of sadness that I thought I had come to terms with, but I realise I haven't come to terms with it.

I dare say this refusal will lead to him feeling terribly guilty. IMO guilt is a completely useless but debilitating emotion - I find I need to work out whether I AM guilty (in which case I need to DO something about it), or NOT guilty (in which case I tell myself to stop FEELING guilty). Of course that sounds a whole lot easier than it is, but if he feels guilty because he IS guilty, then it's up to him to do something about it. I don't know about his guilt but I feel so guilty all the time. I think a lot of it has to do with my catholic up bringing. I think its quite common, especially for lapsed catholics like myself to feel like this. I often feel when bad things happen that I have done something to bring it on myself. Like it is a punishment for me for my sins. The rational half of me can see how crazy that sounds. The catholic child inside me sees it as my just deserts.

Of course being depressed is not something to feel guilty about, he can't help that, but it's too easy to wallow around not doing anything about trying to get better, which he CAN help.

I hope that makes some sort of sense, and ties in with the 'you can't fix him' responses we were giving earlier Yes it does make sense and I know you are right in this I just have to keep reminding myself

salesaddict

Of course they all tend to drink alot, but it's not the amount that makes an alcoholic, it's how they drink and what drink means to them. I am only just beginning to realise this

SA's OH may or may not be an alcoholic, only she and ultimately he will know that. It is very hard for me to even use that word. I keep referring to his "drink problem"

Alcoholism and depression go hand in hand, like someone else said, depression often causes alcoholism, not the other way round. Then it's a vicious circle, alcohol causes depression, you drink alcohol to deal with feeling depressed, therefore you get more depressed. I can really relate to this. I was reflecting actually on how many of the key people in my childhood and in my life now have a drink problem

Breaking the cycle doesn't just mean not having the next drink, it means sorting out everything at once, the depression, the moods, the relationship problems, anything else that relates to that particular person.
The thought I can't get out of my mind at the moment is would he be better off without me. Would he have been a different, happier man if he had met someone else?

Lara44

Dear Salesaddict

I am so sorry to hear that things are hard for you at the moment. You sound like a wonderfully caring person.

I wanted to remind you about your SOA - if you're really in financial trouble then it is imperative to address this right now, today while it is possible to avoid bankruptcy (I am not against it at all, but in this case it would affect your career which would be a problem).

The DFWs are very nice people - the first read of your SOA will be scathing, as with everyone's! But it is a brilliant collective resource for the cheapest bills, and ways to save. Also it's really important to approach one of the debt charities such as CCCS or national debtline - you have options such as IVAs or DMPs that can freeze your interest and allow you to repay your debts.

Wouldn't it take so much weight off your shoulders to know that the financial side was sorted? Also, if you were able to control the debt and budget for only having one salary then the pressure would be off your OH to provide cash to the pot.

Today, if things aren't too stressful you could just start by having a nice cup of tea and getting out the paperwork, filling in the soa calculator. It would only take an hour and you would feel so much better.

I hope you are doing okay.

salesaddict

LaraHoust wrote: »

Dear Salesaddict

I am so sorry to hear that things are hard for you at the moment. You sound like a wonderfully caring person.

I wanted to remind you about your SOA - if you're really in financial trouble then it is imperative to address this right now, today while it is possible to avoid bankruptcy (I am not against it at all, but in this case it would affect your career which would be a problem).

The DFWs are very nice people - the first read of your SOA will be scathing, as with everyone's! But it is a brilliant collective resource for the cheapest bills, and ways to save. Also it's really important to approach one of the debt charities such as CCCS or national debtline - you have options such as IVAs or DMPs that can freeze your interest and allow you to repay your debts.

Wouldn't it take so much weight off your shoulders to know that the financial side was sorted? Also, if you were able to control the debt and budget for only having one salary then the pressure would be off your OH to provide cash to the pot.

Today, if things aren't too stressful you could just start by having a nice cup of tea and getting out the paperwork, filling in the soa calculator. It would only take an hour and you would feel so much better.

I hope you are doing okay.

HI Lara
thankyou so much, yes I have been putting my soa off. I set myself a deadline of today. But I need to get out of the house right now. This is the first day of sunshine in weeks and I need to get out there. I will do my soa on my return and I am absolutely dreading it. But I will do it.
Thankyou for your very kind post.