Relationship advice: my OH didn't defend me!!

Dead_Eye_Jones

Its a hard one, I kinda sympathise with your OH. Sometimes I disagree with my OH's actions and approach, and I feel I have a right to - im no lap dog. My OH always forgets support goes both ways and thinks support means coming to her conclusions - and forgetting my own ideas and opinions.

Dont get me wrong, I pick up on when my OH gets upset and immediately step in to calm and comfort, but thats different to stepping in and getting into a row, different to supporting something I dont think is right, or feel isnt worth fighting over.

You have to decide if this really is a problem in your relationship, I think you would be wrong to assume that this is a sign he doesnt care for you, I get angry quick when my OH starts making that assumption. "you cant love me if you dont support me" - erm, hold on, surely thats for me to decide? Actually I do love her, and no sometimes I dont want to support her. The two really arent mutually exclusive.

Fortunately such incidents are rare with us, but I wonder if one day she'll throw it all away over an argument that makes logical sense in her head (love=support) and forgets that humans are very complex contradictory emotional beings.

ChrissieI

Dead_Eye_Jones wrote:

"you cant love me if you dont support me" - erm, hold on, surely thats for me to decide?

I do agree with your point but if your OH was being treated this badly could you stand by and not help her. Would you not feel like you should be protecting her? I would like to think if it was me in this situation my husband would have helped me. (Maybe only to the door then had his say in private) But I would have hoped that he would be putting my safety first.

slinks

ChrissieI wrote:

I'm sorry but this line made me laugh so much I can picture him ignoring the chaos going on around him while he calmly picked up his chairs. If I was you I wouldn't talk to him but I would go and break his chairs into tiny pieces.:rotfl: do.

lol

He got the chairs for me and my family really, didn't want them in the first place for himself. So I'm sure he picked them up to make sure at least one of us got what we had queued 2 hours for. I'm also sure that if the DSM hadn't given me any then he wouldn't even think about not giving me the chairs. That's the kind of person he is.

I do think he stood back when I was arguing with the staff so that one of us got some chairs. He was a hundred yards away from me by this time waiting with the chairs so he wouldn't have heard the way the 2 members of staff treated me. I would have preferred him to be by my side chair-less but obviously he didn't think in that way...

Loopy_Laura_2

The moment I saw 'Vicky Pollard' I knew you had to be talking about Croydon!! Can totally empathise with you, was in a similar situation in KFC Croydon, except that fight wasn't over chairs, but chicken drumsticks. Who knew Chicken could fly once they were battered and fried?!

If it was my boyfriend he would defend me verbally until it got physical, knows I could handle myself verbally but could not stand by and watch if people were physically doing stuff to me! If He didn't defend me then I'd have to say something to him...you're his special lady he should be watching out for you.

hobo28

Dead_Eye_Jones wrote:

Dont get me wrong, I pick up on when my OH gets upset and immediately step in to calm and comfort

That's the difference tho, you'd have stepped in. Her OH did nothing except go and collect his chairs!!

I often disagree with my partner but if push comes to shove (no pun intended), I have her back.

Neil0

Had to look twice at you user name after reading what Crazy Lady called you:rolleyes:

delmontebanana

Emmzi wrote:

My b/f needs everything explained (and actually welcomes it as opposed to wondering why I am randomly sulking) e.g.'I am upset that you had didn't hoover BECAUSE I can't relax when the house is messy, and now I have to do it after working late.'

This is so true it hurts.
Here's some news to all the women who read this, MEN DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING UNLESS YOU SPELL IT OUT TO THEM. We really are from another planet!

Sit him down tonight and have a word, slinks.

slinks

Dead_Eye_Jones wrote:

Its a hard one, I kinda sympathise with your OH. Sometimes I disagree with my OH's actions and approach, and I feel I have a right to - im no lap dog. My OH always forgets support goes both ways and thinks support means coming to her conclusions - and forgetting my own ideas and opinions.

Dont get me wrong, I pick up on when my OH gets upset and immediately step in to calm and comfort, but thats different to stepping in and getting into a row, different to supporting something I dont think is right, or feel isnt worth fighting over.

You have to decide if this really is a problem in your relationship, I think you would be wrong to assume that this is a sign he doesnt care for you, I get angry quick when my OH starts making that assumption. "you cant love me if you dont support me" - erm, hold on, surely thats for me to decide? Actually I do love her, and no sometimes I dont want to support her. The two really arent mutually exclusive.

Fortunately such incidents are rare with us, but I wonder if one day she'll throw it all away over an argument that makes logical sense in her head (love=support) and forgets that humans are very complex contradictory emotional beings.

I do agree in a way. I understand that from my OH too - he has said in the past that he won't support me in cases where he thinks I'm wrong. Which in the case of the IKEA shambles means to me... he didn't support me BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I WAS WRONG. I can't understand this because aside from standing up for myself against several nasty pasties, I was blameless for the situation!

If I had pushed in, if I had pushed a woman over, if I had deserved being called names, if I called them names at all, if I had BO (!!) then I would have deserved the cr*p and my OH would be right in thinking I was wrong at the time. In this situation, however, I wasn't. So it hurts. I needed what you called 'calm and comfort'. I didn't get it.

I try and get my head around us being very complex contradictory emotional beings but unfortunately sometimes my heart rules my head and says if you don't support me then how can you love me? It's sad, but true. I do try hard not to let my brain think it but it can happen. And it scares me that one day it'll lead to a loss

slinks

ChrissieI wrote:

I do agree with your point but if your OH was being treated this badly could you stand by and not help her. Would you not feel like you should be protecting her? I would like to think if it was me in this situation my husband would have helped me. (Maybe only to the door then had his say in private) But I would have hoped that he would be putting my safety first.

Agreed!!!!!!!!

clairey_em

God Slinks,

Id be gutted if my OH stood there and let all those people hurl abuse etc. Although I have to say, if it was me he would have killed them! There's nothing like an Ikea special offer to bring out the worst in people. Sad to say, I used to work for Ikea in Croydon, although left a few years ago now, and it used to be a great place to work, friendly and good fun, but I won't go there anymore, if we need anything I'll go to Thurrock. It's really gone downhill. Noone wants to help you, they are ridiculously short staffed and even when a 'manager' comes to help nothing happens. I'd write to the store manager (name on ikea croydon web site) and also to customer services, and their head office, to the UK manager. That way at least someone might take note as that sort of behaviour is totally unacceptable. In my experience, shopping at Thurrock is a far more enjoyable experience, I know it's a much less busier store but seriously, Croydon is awful!!:eek:

But you've got to sort OH out, he should be looking out for you, even if he was scared and intimidated (although would prob not admit it).;)

x x