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Relationship advice: my OH didn't defend me!!
slinks
Posts: 698 Forumite
I am posting this partly to vent about other human beings and IKEA (lol) but also because I need some advice.
My other half has really upset me and I don’t think he even realises why. We haven’t spoken for over a day and I need to sort this out but can’t talk to him at the moment – if he rolls his eyes at me and says I’m over-reacting I think I’ll have to pack my bags and leave
Apologies for the length of the post but without the whole story I don’t think you can see why I’m still so upset!
We went to IKEA the other day to pick up some 1p chairs – big mistake! There were people fighting with each other about queuing, calling each other names, pushing, shoving….
One woman behind me – let’s just call her Crazy Lady – was getting irritated with everyone around her and shouting out about people pushing in. Around me everyone was squashed together like sardines and couldn’t really go anywhere. For some reason Crazy Lady decided to pick on me and started saying if I didn’t move out of her way she would ram me with her f*****g trolley. I ignored it. She said it several times and I ignored it, not wishing to be rammed or screamed at over some penny chairs.
At this point security decided that the 7-deep queue should now form one queue and I got separated from my other half by three women – let’s call them Vicky Pollard (well, a 20 year old version), Vicky Pollard’s mum and the mum’s mate. I politely asked the mum if I could stand back with my boyfriend and she laughed and said there was no room for her to move. There was actually a space between her and her mate. So I slowly moved forward between her and her mate and said I just wanted to get back in the queue with my boyfriend.
So… step in mum’s mate. She was a couple of inches from my face and started calling me names, telling me to, “F**k off pushing in.” I explained again that I had been standing with my boyfriend but that they had pushed in, in front of me, and if I could just go back and stand with him (he was a foot away from me)… For one thing, I wanted to be near him for a kind of protection as everyone was kicking off around me. But I also simply wanted to talk to him while we waited. Simple request? Of course not…
Now step in Vicky Pollard… who decided that I was a c**t for ‘trying to push in’ and started screaming in my face f*****g this and f*****g that and, “You f*****g c**t, get behind my mum” – I stared in disbelief and told her I wasn’t f*****g pushing in!!!
Pollard mum then grabbed hold of my arm from behind and got in my face, saying don’t you speak to my daughter like that, so I said don’t you speak to me like that, so then Vicky Pollard said from behind don’t you speak to my mum like that! Yep, playground antics in Ikea for a couple of chairs…
Vicky Pollard then piped up with, “If you’re gonna shove us around, !!!!!…” (which I hadn’t done, I had just tried earlier to inch myself back into the space next to my boyfriend)
“… then I’ll shove you!”
So she shoved me. I reeled backwards into her mum – who fell on the floor and screamed like a banshee that I’d pushed her over!!!
Her own daughter, the one who had just shoved me into her for her to fall, just stood there laughing.
Cue members of staff scrambling to pick her up. A department manager (who later hid his badge and refused to give me his name) ordered me to stand aside and said if I caused any more trouble then I would get no chairs and be escorted out of the store. Still in disbelief, I argued that I hadn’t done anything. He warned me again.
I moved and stood next to my boyfriend again. He said nothing. The manager let Vicky and co get their chairs.
Remember Crazy Lady? From behind me she started shouting, “You stink of BO. You need to get to Superdrug for some deodorant.” Looking round to see who she was talking to, she looked me in the eye with a crazed look on her face and said, “Yes, you. You pushed that old lady over. It was her! Look everyone, she pushed that lady over and she stinks. I can smell her from here.”
My boyfriend didn’t say anything. I looked him in the eye and said, “I haven’t done anything. Why is she doing this?” and he shrugged.
I calmly told Crazy Lady that the woman’s daughter had pushed me into her but she carried on with the BO rubbish.
I just stared at her. She said not to worry, she had someone to escort her out of the store and she would be waiting…
I repeated to my boyfriend that I hadn’t done anything and he said, “OK.” That was all he said.
I called over the security guard and with tears in my eyes asked if I could have an escort out the store afterwards and pointed to Crazy Lady saying she had just threatened me. He said yes just as she lunged forwards and smacked my hand to one side screaming, “Don’t you point at me!!” I told her not to touch me. Manager told me to calm down. I asked him to tell her to calm down and he went to talk to her.
Meanwhile, I whispered to the security guard who was still stood next to me if he could please make sure I was escorted out because she threatened me.
In stepped the department manager again who said, “Right, I’m not serving you. You’ve caused enough trouble.”
!!!!!!!!
So… by this time, for simply asking to stand with my boyfriend again, I had been called a c**t and a b*tch, shoved, had people in my face threatening me, been grabbed, ‘told off’ by staff who clearly didn’t have a clue who had actually been in the wrong and then smacked in the hand by Crazy Lady who said she would be waiting for me outside…
My boyfriend said nothing and went to collect his chairs.
I was told to stand to one side, as I was not going to be served. I asked why. "Because you called this altercation by pushing that woman over"!!!!!!! I asked for a manager. A staff member laughed and said the man who had ordered me out of the queue was a manager. I asked for the store manager. He laughed again and said he was too busy to deal with a troublemaker. I demanded his name and the name of the department manager. They both covered their badges and ordered me to step aside. The staff member laughed and said, “You aint getting our names.”
I asked where the security cameras were so that I could prove I hadn’t knocked the woman over for one thing and was laughed at by the staff member and told to shut up.
By this time I was getting angry, not just upset. I managed to look at the staff member’s badge and it said RJ Carroll (hope you’re reading this, IKEA Croydon) but he saw me and said his name was Paul!? Hmmm, not a great cover-up really, seeing as I had just read his badge.
The manager walked over again (covering his badge) and told me to step to one side or get thrown out of the store. I demanded the store manager again. I was laughed at again. Out of frustration I shouted at the staff member, “I didn’t do anything!!”
The security guard grabbed my arm. I stormed off, absolutely livid at this point. Crying my eyes out, I walked past my boyfriend saying to him “store manager” as I could hardly speak. A staff member fetched the Deputy Store Manager who listened to what happened through my stifled cries, was apologetic and took me to get some chairs. I said I wasn’t bothered about the chairs by now; I wanted the whole farce sorted out and gave him descriptions of the staff. He asked a staff member to escort me to my car after I had paid (who, funnily enough, disappeared)…
I got to the till and was still crying. My boyfriend put his arm around me for a second and then leaned on his trolley and left me standing there in the middle of IKEA sobbing. I asked him why he wasn’t looking after me as I was still really upset and hadn’t done anything wrong. I asked him if he thought I had and he gave me ‘the look’ and asked, “Why are you still going on about it? I told you I believe you.”
That was that. We haven’t spoken since.
I am editing this post so that it’s a formal complaint to IKEA (obviously they don’t want to know about my relationship problems!).
I have a big grievance with IKEA over the matter but more importantly to me, this has caused me untold upset, as I cannot believe all of that happened in front of my boyfriend, and yet he did nothing and said nothing. He didn’t stand up for me. He didn’t protect me. He didn’t defend me. He did NOTHING.
I am gutted about this. We have been together for 2 and a half years, I love him dearly but I can’t get over this right now.
Any suggestions or comments will be greatly appreciated, as I don’t know where to turn at the moment
P.S. If you happen to be Vicky Pollard, mum, mate or Crazy Lady, I truly hope that you paid with a credit card at the store… I will be demanding security tapes from IKEA be viewed by police so that I can press charges of affray or disorderly conduct
My other half has really upset me and I don’t think he even realises why. We haven’t spoken for over a day and I need to sort this out but can’t talk to him at the moment – if he rolls his eyes at me and says I’m over-reacting I think I’ll have to pack my bags and leave
Apologies for the length of the post but without the whole story I don’t think you can see why I’m still so upset!
We went to IKEA the other day to pick up some 1p chairs – big mistake! There were people fighting with each other about queuing, calling each other names, pushing, shoving….
One woman behind me – let’s just call her Crazy Lady – was getting irritated with everyone around her and shouting out about people pushing in. Around me everyone was squashed together like sardines and couldn’t really go anywhere. For some reason Crazy Lady decided to pick on me and started saying if I didn’t move out of her way she would ram me with her f*****g trolley. I ignored it. She said it several times and I ignored it, not wishing to be rammed or screamed at over some penny chairs.
At this point security decided that the 7-deep queue should now form one queue and I got separated from my other half by three women – let’s call them Vicky Pollard (well, a 20 year old version), Vicky Pollard’s mum and the mum’s mate. I politely asked the mum if I could stand back with my boyfriend and she laughed and said there was no room for her to move. There was actually a space between her and her mate. So I slowly moved forward between her and her mate and said I just wanted to get back in the queue with my boyfriend.
So… step in mum’s mate. She was a couple of inches from my face and started calling me names, telling me to, “F**k off pushing in.” I explained again that I had been standing with my boyfriend but that they had pushed in, in front of me, and if I could just go back and stand with him (he was a foot away from me)… For one thing, I wanted to be near him for a kind of protection as everyone was kicking off around me. But I also simply wanted to talk to him while we waited. Simple request? Of course not…
Now step in Vicky Pollard… who decided that I was a c**t for ‘trying to push in’ and started screaming in my face f*****g this and f*****g that and, “You f*****g c**t, get behind my mum” – I stared in disbelief and told her I wasn’t f*****g pushing in!!!
Pollard mum then grabbed hold of my arm from behind and got in my face, saying don’t you speak to my daughter like that, so I said don’t you speak to me like that, so then Vicky Pollard said from behind don’t you speak to my mum like that! Yep, playground antics in Ikea for a couple of chairs…
Vicky Pollard then piped up with, “If you’re gonna shove us around, !!!!!…” (which I hadn’t done, I had just tried earlier to inch myself back into the space next to my boyfriend)
“… then I’ll shove you!”
So she shoved me. I reeled backwards into her mum – who fell on the floor and screamed like a banshee that I’d pushed her over!!!
Her own daughter, the one who had just shoved me into her for her to fall, just stood there laughing.
Cue members of staff scrambling to pick her up. A department manager (who later hid his badge and refused to give me his name) ordered me to stand aside and said if I caused any more trouble then I would get no chairs and be escorted out of the store. Still in disbelief, I argued that I hadn’t done anything. He warned me again.
I moved and stood next to my boyfriend again. He said nothing. The manager let Vicky and co get their chairs.
Remember Crazy Lady? From behind me she started shouting, “You stink of BO. You need to get to Superdrug for some deodorant.” Looking round to see who she was talking to, she looked me in the eye with a crazed look on her face and said, “Yes, you. You pushed that old lady over. It was her! Look everyone, she pushed that lady over and she stinks. I can smell her from here.”
My boyfriend didn’t say anything. I looked him in the eye and said, “I haven’t done anything. Why is she doing this?” and he shrugged.
I calmly told Crazy Lady that the woman’s daughter had pushed me into her but she carried on with the BO rubbish.
I just stared at her. She said not to worry, she had someone to escort her out of the store and she would be waiting…
I repeated to my boyfriend that I hadn’t done anything and he said, “OK.” That was all he said.
I called over the security guard and with tears in my eyes asked if I could have an escort out the store afterwards and pointed to Crazy Lady saying she had just threatened me. He said yes just as she lunged forwards and smacked my hand to one side screaming, “Don’t you point at me!!” I told her not to touch me. Manager told me to calm down. I asked him to tell her to calm down and he went to talk to her.
Meanwhile, I whispered to the security guard who was still stood next to me if he could please make sure I was escorted out because she threatened me.
In stepped the department manager again who said, “Right, I’m not serving you. You’ve caused enough trouble.”
!!!!!!!!
So… by this time, for simply asking to stand with my boyfriend again, I had been called a c**t and a b*tch, shoved, had people in my face threatening me, been grabbed, ‘told off’ by staff who clearly didn’t have a clue who had actually been in the wrong and then smacked in the hand by Crazy Lady who said she would be waiting for me outside…
My boyfriend said nothing and went to collect his chairs.
I was told to stand to one side, as I was not going to be served. I asked why. "Because you called this altercation by pushing that woman over"!!!!!!! I asked for a manager. A staff member laughed and said the man who had ordered me out of the queue was a manager. I asked for the store manager. He laughed again and said he was too busy to deal with a troublemaker. I demanded his name and the name of the department manager. They both covered their badges and ordered me to step aside. The staff member laughed and said, “You aint getting our names.”
I asked where the security cameras were so that I could prove I hadn’t knocked the woman over for one thing and was laughed at by the staff member and told to shut up.
By this time I was getting angry, not just upset. I managed to look at the staff member’s badge and it said RJ Carroll (hope you’re reading this, IKEA Croydon) but he saw me and said his name was Paul!? Hmmm, not a great cover-up really, seeing as I had just read his badge.
The manager walked over again (covering his badge) and told me to step to one side or get thrown out of the store. I demanded the store manager again. I was laughed at again. Out of frustration I shouted at the staff member, “I didn’t do anything!!”
The security guard grabbed my arm. I stormed off, absolutely livid at this point. Crying my eyes out, I walked past my boyfriend saying to him “store manager” as I could hardly speak. A staff member fetched the Deputy Store Manager who listened to what happened through my stifled cries, was apologetic and took me to get some chairs. I said I wasn’t bothered about the chairs by now; I wanted the whole farce sorted out and gave him descriptions of the staff. He asked a staff member to escort me to my car after I had paid (who, funnily enough, disappeared)…
I got to the till and was still crying. My boyfriend put his arm around me for a second and then leaned on his trolley and left me standing there in the middle of IKEA sobbing. I asked him why he wasn’t looking after me as I was still really upset and hadn’t done anything wrong. I asked him if he thought I had and he gave me ‘the look’ and asked, “Why are you still going on about it? I told you I believe you.”
That was that. We haven’t spoken since.
I am editing this post so that it’s a formal complaint to IKEA (obviously they don’t want to know about my relationship problems!).
I have a big grievance with IKEA over the matter but more importantly to me, this has caused me untold upset, as I cannot believe all of that happened in front of my boyfriend, and yet he did nothing and said nothing. He didn’t stand up for me. He didn’t protect me. He didn’t defend me. He did NOTHING.
I am gutted about this. We have been together for 2 and a half years, I love him dearly but I can’t get over this right now.
Any suggestions or comments will be greatly appreciated, as I don’t know where to turn at the moment
P.S. If you happen to be Vicky Pollard, mum, mate or Crazy Lady, I truly hope that you paid with a credit card at the store… I will be demanding security tapes from IKEA be viewed by police so that I can press charges of affray or disorderly conduct
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Comments
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slinks wrote:.
Remember Crazy Lady?
This bit made me lol - i hope you dont mind 
Do you wish you hadn't gone to Ikea?
I think it'll be easy to get over all the stuff that happened with all the crazy women at Ikea. It sounds like it was a bit disorganised and everyone got frustrated & annoyed.
I totally understand the bit about your boyfriend though. My husband would have been by my side defending me like a shot. To be honest I think he'd defend me even if I was in the wrong. I'd be feeling really let down by the response you boyfriend gave (or more to the point didn't give). Has he not said anything? Have you tried to speak? If you are still to angry to speak why dont you print of the post you have just made & show it to him? It'll give him the opportunity to see how you feel and maybe then you can talk about it. Maybe, just maybe he thought you wouldn't want him to intervene? Is that possible - I'm just trying to think of a reason why he didn't help you out Sometimes it's important to work for that pot of gold...But other times it's essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow...0 -
Oh you poor thing, sounds like a complete ordeal. Ikea is a mad house at the best of times, so I actually am not that surprised.
One thought I had...Could your bf have perhaps been trying to defuse the situation by not getting involved? I know it may not have been the response you might have prefered, but having just read through that lot I can imagine that that may have happened. The type of women you have described sound like the type that may fight as much with men as women, so if he did get involved it might have all got worse (if thats possible to imagine!).
The only other thought I had (and really I don't mean this to sound nasty...) but could your bf not have come back to you in the queue rather than you having to go forward? I know that you had every right to re-join him, but generally in these situations where everyone is stressed up to the eyeballs the nasties in the queue take far kinder to people going backwards in it than forwards if you see what I mean.
If I were you rather than staying silent, once you are calm, ask your bf why he stood back and see what he says...It might be that it wasn't to be nasty to you.
Hope you enjoy the chairs anyway...And good luck fighting the appalling Ikea staff.0 -
Thanks for the input Quackers
I don't mind u laughing at all - Crazy Lady is making me smile actually - thinking back to how unbelievable she was being over some plastic chairs!!
I agree about IKEA - I'll probably calm down about it but i am incensed that it happened in the first place due to the disorganised chaos.
The reason for posting it all here was because I really can't get my head round my boyfriend not defending me or standing up for me and saying "Don't you talk to my girlfiend like that!" I too would defend my friends and family to the hilt even if I thought they were wrong at the time. I love them and can't stand the thought of someone reducing them to tears, threatening them or simply being mean to them. Especially for no reason!! I can't even imagine some bloke having a pop at my boyfriend and me stand there doing nothing. I would be on the front line!!!
For the past 2 and a half years I've wanted to spend the rest of my life with my OH. Right now I am absolutely heartbroken that this has happened.
I think I'll have to leave this post up on the computer screen - I guess it's easier for him to read this rather than listen to me cry and shout and ask him how he couldn't stand up for me.
We haven't spoken for 27 hours. And counting...
Thanks again for the tip - wish me luck 0 -
actually..me and my missus experienced this..sort of thing..
I thought that Ikea was helpful..but they say that this is a self service store..so they can't help..also that particular store, the staff ..just walk around and talk with each other!!and when asked for their names..they don't give them out!!
with ur BF..what kind of BF is that?? your getting a kicking and he just ignores u.. sounds like a great guy!!! someone that would really protect u when u need him the most!!!
that is y..i am never going to IKEA croyden..even if its free stuff!!! that store is the worst place ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ewww.."this store is different from other ikea stores" was the best phase I got from them. u got that right!!!!!
about defending if ur right or wrong..i would defend her to a point..unless she gets nasty to others..then I tell her that's wrong..smile everyday...cos its free
Live everyday to the Full..cos there is no tomorrow:dance:0 -
forgot ...no point complaining..nothing is ever done at that store!!!period!smile everyday...cos its free
Live everyday to the Full..cos there is no tomorrow:dance:0 -
Thanks lush walrus.
I totally understand that he may have not wanted to get involved. I have milled it over and over in my head - why he could possibly just stay in the queue looking ahead and not join me in the queue instead or why not simply stand up for me by saying anything to the nasty women - and it must be the only solution. It hurts like hell, though. I would be by his side if the tables were turned and would want to protect him.
I believe that he loves me and wouldn't want me hurt, and I don't for one second believe he was being nasty to me by doing so, but to do absolutely nothing while people were threatening me, calling me names and physically attacking me (ok, no bruises but I was shoved and grabbed and to me that's bodily harm!!) ... well it's bewildering me.
I actually thought after leaving the store that he could have joined me instead!! Honestly didn't think of it at the time, didn't occur to me. And didn't occur to my boyfriend either I guess. I wasn't 'pushing in' - rather they had pushed in, in front of me, but I wasn't bothered if 3 people were going to get some chairs before me and would have very happily asked my OH to step back and join me. If only I'd thought of it then 0 -
I know this will not be very helpful, but I had a similar experience with an old BF, been together about 2 years. We were at a party and I defended him against an accusation thrown at him. The accuser wouldn't back down, so in the end I just shut up as I was getting nowhere. This apparently signalled the accuser to start shouting at me and calling me names. What did my BF ........sweet FA.
Outcome was that it really affected my confidence in the relationship, we split up a few months later. This was years ago, but it had a lasting impression.
Maybe he has to realise that you have certain expectations of him. I'm with you on this as I would defend all my loved ones to the hilt and I expect nothing less from them."A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." Mark Twain0 -
I'm sorry you and your missus went through something similar, grade15 I am so mad that this can happen in this day and age!! Self-service or not, the staff should not let this happen - they should organise it better in the first place for one. I asked a staff member for protection from a crazy-eyed monster and was told I was causing trouble!!
I am disgusted with the Croydon store staff and can't believe I had to go through all that and have to find the Deputy Store Manager myself for something to be done. Oh and the only thing done was that I was given some chairs for 1p each lol.
I don't believe the DSM will sort anything out but I am going ahead with my complaint to IKEA, then the ombudsman if they don't do anything. I may be over-reacting about the security tapes but I think I'm entitled considering I was threatened and shoved. I'll see what the police say when I enquire.
I don't understand my boyfriend - maybe he'll have an explanation why he stood by and did nothing but I don't think I'll be able to understand it. I needed him and he did nothing. Don't get it. Can't get it.0 -
On the contrary, zombiecazz, your post was VERY helpful, thank you.
I'm sorry you had to experience similar. In my world, it IS expected by me and provided by me in return, like some unwritten rule. Just as I would with someone who shares my blood, I would with the person I wanted to share my life with.
I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't defend me. It's upsetting me more than anything, more than the staff and the mentals.0 -
CrikeyRemind me never to go to Ikea Croydon!!!!!!!!..I have to say that your boyfriend copped out, he should have been there defending and suporting you instead all he seemed to do was turn a blind eye and almost behaved as if you were not with him.Which is probably why "crazy lady" tried to take the buscuit once she saw he would not back you up!, in addition to the staff.Your boyfriend let you down...getting him to realise that is going to be difficult without him feeling like you are blaming him. The fact that you were crying he knew you were really upset but has not spoken to you since?... dissappointing...Obviously he does not like confrontation so you will have to approach this delicately and explain that it wasnt as much as what happened but that he was not there for you.As for Ikea I think some free vouchers are coming your way...I think that maybe you also need to tell him that your confidence in him has some what diminished... if you are planning on sharing your life with someone should you not have faith in them knowing that they have your corner.. hmmmmMFWB
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