Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

donquine

OP, tbh, it doesn't really matter whether you want the groom to be a friend or a lover, the facts remain that you and he exchanged highly inappropriate messages that have caused an awful lot of hurt for another woman. Not just any woman - this man's supposed bride to be.

If you want to be a friend, back off. Give them space to try and rebuild their relationship. Don't underestimate the damage you've done. Silly jokes to you or not, from what you've said, reading the content of your messages must have been devastating. The worst bit for her is not going to be you discussing "suggestive" things - it's that her fiance responded. Repeatedly. Can't you put yourself in her shoes and understand how she feels? Maybe their relationship won't work out. But they wanted to marry each other - they must love each other. That means they should at least try to sort this out before giving up, if they give up at all. Give them that chance.

If you want to be more than a friend, back off. Let their relationship crumble without your help, then move in for the kill. Who wants a partner who isn't 100% theirs?

Either way, going to this wedding - or even just saying you intend to go - would be a mistake. I hope you're still reading this thread and are listening to comments. Sometimes it takes a complete stranger to point out the obvious.

bylromarha

aliasojo wrote: »

Imo, it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference who does the asking.....if your appearance was to cause any kind of upset to anyone, then that's all there is to it.

It's a wedding day after all, not just a party or a night out. Sorry.

I think it does. If the bride has the problem and the bride does the asking when it's the grooms friend, that seems backhanded and quite needy from the bride that all threats should be illiminated.

The OPs lack of appearance it appears will make the groom upset - which is why it's for the couple to sort out and reach a conclusion on.

I disagree with those who say an absence isn't noticed. I really noticed that one of my good friends was too ill to join us at our reception and still feel sad that he isn't in our wedding photos. And another person didn't attend our wedding who I really wanted to come, but OH strongly didn't want there as it would have ruined his and his families day seeing them through the day. So we didn't invite them. A joint decision that we talked about rather than one of us saying one thing and the other saying something else.

Yes it's the brides day, but it's the grooms day too!

aliasojo

bylromarha wrote: »

The OPs lack of appearance it appears will make the groom upset - which is why it's for the couple to sort out and reach a conclusion on.

What if the both feel strongly and can't agree though?

Actually never mind, if that was the case then they shouldn't get married....marriage is all about consideration and concer for someone other than yourself. If they both dig in the it speaks volumes.

donquine

bylromarha wrote: »

I disagree with those who say an absence isn't noticed. I really noticed that one of my good friends was too ill to join us at our reception and still feel sad that he isn't in our wedding photos.

The OPs lack of appearance it appears will make the groom upset - which is why it's for the couple to sort out and reach a conclusion on.

If he puts his ex over his fiancee, there isn't going to be a wedding. No woman would willingly enter into a lifelong commitment knowing she'd never come first.

mumslave

A good friend does not exchange suggestive messages with another good friend due to be married.

I would love to say to the exes fiancee to stuff the OP, who really cares if she is there or not, she may have got to exchange some flirty emails, but its the exes fiancee that gets to become his wife, the one he has chosen :money:

maggied_2

aliasojo wrote: »

What if the both feel strongly and can't agree though?

Actually never mind, if that was the case then they shouldn't get married....marriage is all about consideration and concer for someone other than yourself. If they both dig in the it speaks volumes.

I would agree with this for most issues...however they're not talking about whether to have the lamb or the chicken - it's about whether a woman who has already caused friction in their relationship should play an integral role in their wedding day. If the groom was a friend of mine I'd advise him to give way on this one - and probably give the OP a wide berth in order to concentrate on his new wife.

Sorry but an ex is an ex and they are not as important as your husband / wife (but then I am a person who prefers to leave my past behind!).

bylromarha

donquine wrote: »

If he puts his ex over his fiancee, there isn't going to be a wedding. No woman would willingly enter into a lifelong commitment knowing she'd never come first.

And why the OP shouldn't be having to make this decision.

Like I said before, my ex and I did have banter around the time of my wedding, but ex, OH and I all knew it meant nothing and was just banter.

We don't know what the emails said and if the bride is going loopy over a simple phrase like big snogs or if the groom has been suggesting something he'd like to do to his ex. If it were the former, then it may be the bride just needs a calming reassuring talk from her groom. If it's the latter, then the groom needs to realise, even if it is only banter to both him and ex, then he's got to start putting his brides feelings first and stop that sort of behaviour.

The fact it's written down can make the banter seem worse, but the couple must decide how to proceed together on this one.

notakid

Eastie77 wrote: »

reminiscing about about the past and comments and jokes were exchanged regarding things that happened during the course of our relationship. I won't go into detail but will admit some were suggestive in nature.!

Thats not description of banter, nor can it be called tongue in cheek jokiness. That is sex talk.

donquine

bylromarha wrote: »

Like I said before, my ex and I did have banter around the time of my wedding, but ex, OH and I all knew it meant nothing and was just banter.

We don't know what the emails said and if the bride is going loopy over a simple phrase like big snogs or if the groom has been suggesting something he'd like to do to his ex.

The OP herself describes the emails as suggestive - that's not banter to me.

I understand your POV - my OH is friends with one of his exes too and like you, I don't get upset by their friendship. However I strongly suspect the reason why the OP's ex's fiancee is getting upset and we aren't is because our OHs have never crossed the line when it's come to their exes.

I agree with you that it's the ex and his fiancee who need to be making this decision, but the OP could make things so much easier for everyone by saying she can't attend after all, really sorry, best of luck for the future, etc.

welshmoneylover

Jeez, if I found a few flirty emails to my OH from his ex I'd go ballistic. I'd go even more ballistic if she still insisted on being at my wedding.

OP, are you for real or did you post it for a wind up?

You sound like a spoilt brat.

By the way, one of your ex's closest friends is not YOU, it is the woman he is marrying.

So GROW UP and stay the heck away from the wedding. :rolleyes: