Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

Eastie77

I'm after an objective opinion on the following as to wether or not you would attend an wedding based on the following.

I was in a relationship with a guy which ended a few years ago. We remained very good friends (we were friends before we went out) and maintained contact with each other. Last year my ex got engaged to a woman I know through work - we do not work together as such but we are in the same industry and sometimes run into each other at events etc. They plan to get married in June this year.

As mentioned my ex and I are still in contact with each other, mainly via e-mail and messenger. A few months ago we were exchanging a few e-mails with each other and reminiscing about about the past and comments and jokes were exchanged regarding things that happened during the course of our relationship. I won't go into detail but will admit some were suggestive in nature. However there is NO SUGGESTION in the e-mails that anything was actually happening between us, it was very clear that we were in reference to the past. His fiancee, who obviously has trust issues, managed to get into his e-mail account, found the exchanges and all hell broke loose. I have received some very unpleasant texts and e-mails from her. She is mad and out of control! All this because of a few joke e-mails.


Anyway, my ex asked me to participate at the wedding before this blow-up and sing a song (I sing in my spare time) and also invited a couple members of my family. The fiancee has now said I am not invited to the wedding which is very upsetting for me and also embarrasing, I can't really explain the situation to the family members who are expecting to attend. My ex has said he is insisting I am coming and as far as he is concerned I will be there but I'm now not sure I should go. I really want to as we (ex and I) are part of a large circle of friends, all of whom will be going and so I will be the only one not in attendance - I think the whole thing is ridiculous and really unfair. Before anyone asks, I have tried to call the fiancee but she is being very unreasonable and seems unable to talk to me rationally. She has accused me of trying to break up the engagement etc which does not make sense. I don't think they are particularly well suited but I would not have agreed to attend and sing at the wedding if I was unhappy about it!

NJW69

I don't think you should attend. It's not your day it's theirs and if one of the couple are unhappy with you being there then you shouldn't be. If you had not had 'jokey, suggestive' emails since you had split up then the fiance may not have had any issue but as you have then she will be feeling the way she is. As for your family attending then I'd just say that as it was a previous partner and the fiance isn't comfortable with you attending you've decided not to.

maggied_2

It's her wedding day and I don't think I'd be massively happy about finding those sorts of emails either. Step aside and let her enjoy it.

msb5262

I think you should talk to your ex about this and make him sort it out with his fiancee.

After all, it's their wedding.

They both need to feel comfortable about what happens or doesn't happen and it's not reasonable for him to put you in this position.

I suggest you send an email to him (if possible copy it to her too) explaining clearly that you would like them to make a joint decision.

That way you know that you've done everything you can to smooth over what is undoubtedly a difficult situation all round.

HTH

MsB

PS I must admit, in the fiancee's shoes I wouldn't be that keen to see you there...but equally I hope I'd hold him responsible too.

RadoJo

To be honest, I don't think it's up to you whether you attend or not. I can understand why the fiancee doesn't want you to come, let alone be a part of the ceremony, and I think that not wanting to be the only one of your friends not going shows a lack of respect for the fact that the day isn't about you.
If being involved in their wedding was so important to you, then you shouldn't have jeopardised that with engaging in whatever inappropriate e-mails you were sharing with your ex. You seem quite negative about your ex's new partner and about their relationship, which makes me wonder why you want to be there at all anyway?

mrbrightside842

I wouldn't want to attend and sing at a wedding I wasn't welcome at. But if she really thought something was going on, why is she going ahead and marrying him? Why is he totally innocent in it and just you who's after him when he was replying too?

Eastie77

Thanks for the replies. I am just gutted at the prospect of missing out on the day due to a silly misunderstanding.

I completely understand why some people wouldn't be happy to see me if they were the fiancee but the e-mails really were harmless jokes. They were discussing events that happened years ago. If I were in her shoes I might be annoyed but I would not ban one of my fiance's closest friends from attending one of the most important days of his life.

I have asked my ex to sort this out. He has said as far as he is concerned I will be attending and the order of service will be drawn up with my name as I will be singing.

msb5262: I would rather not send her any more e-mails. Her initial messages to me were very hostile and abusive.

Alikay

Well, she clearly doesn't want you to go and since she's the bride I think you should be sensitive to her wishes and swiftly invent a "prior engagement".

She probably IS over-reacting and your ex has probably handled it all wrong too, but it IS her wedding day and for her it will probably be ruined if her OH's ex (with whom he recently exchanged suggestive emails) is not only present but up front singing a solo.

Since you describe her as mad, out of control and say they're not that well-suited why are you so bothered about going anyway? It almost sounds as if you're enjoying her misery

Eastie77

RadJo, I know the day isn't about me. It's about her AND my ex which is why I think it is unfair I am being banned as my not being would upset him. So she gets to have the perfect day whilst he doesn't.

I wasn't really negative about her until this episode arose. As mentioned I do not think they are particularly well suited and thought the engagement happened a bit fast but I am supporting a friend, as I would any other friend.

I didn't set out to jepordize my involvement in the wedding. I had no inkling that his fiancee would go looking through his e-mails and take such drastic measures.

kettlefish

I'm sorry OP but I don't think you should go. I understand you will find it hard to miss out on the wedding of a good friend, but I don't think you would enjoy it when you got there anyway. It is their day and if you spoil the day for her, you'll spoil it for him too.

He obviously loves this woman if he is marrying her, and I'm surprised he's not sticking up for her a little bit more. Unless you are all part of the same social group, which I doubt since you have a pretty poor opinion of the fiancee, it is going to be very uncomfortable all round.

I really dislike it when women attack other women for reading their blokes' emails - she may not have been snooping deliberately and even if she was, you were in the wrong for being (as you admit) suggestive in the exchange.

floss2

Your EX needs to sort this out with HIS FIANCEE. Not you.

Sit back & wait for them to sort it out & make a joint decision as to whether you are welcome or not. It is not for you to make that decision as you are a guest - not a vital part of the ceremony.