Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

thorsoak

It's not your wedding, he is no longer your partner - back off!

Doesn't matter how embarrassed you might be at explaining the withdrawal of the invitation to your relatives - you'll be far more embarrassed if she has a go at you in front of your relatives if you insist upon attending the wedding!

Proc

Yeh, just what everyone wants at their wedding. The flirty ex-girlfriend who hasn't moved on yet.

Get real. You sound like a spoilt little brat. It's one of the biggest day of their lives, both emotionally and financially. There's no reason that the bride should have to justify not wanting you there. The reason "because I say so" is more than suffice. She wants the day to be perfect, and I'm sorry, but having an ex-girlfriend there that hasn't moved on is only going to ruin things for her.

I don't care about history, text messages, emails and crap like that - I would simply never have my partner's ex's mincing around on our big day.

Look, if you were so important to your ex, he wouldn't be marrying someone else.

edit; Just noticed this from OP:

I don't think they are particularly well suited

Hmm. Flirts with her husband-to-be and also thinks that they aren't well suited for each other. No wonder she despises you.

Abbafan1972

OP - I don't think you should go. That last thing you would want to do is upset the applecart and cause a scene on the day.

I never kept in touch with any of my Ex's and certainly would not want to attend their wedding!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I agree with the majority here - it may be mad and pathetic in your eyes.

In others, like perhaps the bride's, it would appear that, in your eyes, her perfect day with the man that purports to love her - forsaking all others - will only be good for him if his ex becomes the star of the show, garnering applause and approval from all and sundry, whilst exchanging suggestive emails with the groom and making it clear that you don't think she is anywhere near as good as you?

If there were nothing to be ashamed of, you would be able to say to your family members 'the invitation's have been cancelled because x found emails between me and y talking about the way I used to like it when he......'.

If you can't explain yourself to your grandmother, you were out of line.

A marriage is between two people, not two plus the ex girlfriend hovering over everything.

Of course, if she's sensible, she'll call the wedding off and then you'll have the satisfaction of comforting him and saying 'I never liked her anyway; I knew she wasn't right for you'.

That sounds like the only win-win situation here. Doesn't take away from the fact that you should have backed off gracefully ages ago, but at least she's not saddled with someone obviously as untrustworthy as him.

Pepzofio

I got un-invited from a wedding reception once, for a frankly (IMO) ridiculous reason by a notorious bridezilla. (Actually, un-invited, then re-invited, then re-un-invited, but that's another story!) Groom said he did not want to do it but as bride had said having us there would 'ruin her day' (not sure how as we were only invited to the evening do and had a young baby so would only have stayed a couple of hours max) he felt that he had no choice as it was her special day and he didn't want anything to upset her.

Like OP, we privately felt they were unsuited (as did most of his mates) and also thought it was interesting that he did not see it as his special day too, but we respected his decision, and the fact that he was putting his fiance's feelings first (even if she was bat-!!!!!! mental!)

I am also very close to my (male) best friend, and although we do not have 'a history', as it were, I could certainly envisage/understand a future partner feeling a bit threatened by our relationship if they were a bit insecure. I would be absolutely gutted if their insecurities prevented me from attending their wedding and deep down would probably feel slightly betrayed by him for uninviting me. (Although I know he would never get to the stage of marrying someone like that, let alone to the point where they were arguing about wedding invitees!)

Having said that, I would never attend an ex's wedding unless we were all really good friends and both parties were completely comfortable with it, and I certainly wouldn't think it was appropriate for an ex to take an active role in the wedding. (Even without the whole message/email thing - which incidentally I think rescinds your right to attend - I just think this is weird.)

If it were my wedding, I'm afraid I'd be uninviting you too, OP - and if my fiance couldn't understand why then I'd be reconsidering the wisdom of getting married...

Forgetting for a second whose day will be more ruined by you attending or otherwise, how on earth are you going to feel if you go? Do you not think that bride will have been venting to all of her friends & family about it? In which case you'll be getting some very cold shoulders and icy looks if you do attend - I'd invest in a pair of ear plugs to block out the snide comments and whispers if I were you too!

lilmisschick

For someone that has recently got married and it was the most special day of my life..... I would have not wanted his ex anywhere near my wedding and can't believe some of the comments you have made, like being the only one out of a group of friends etc...

I presume you are single if you were making suggestive comments in exchanged emails to him recently? Then you can surely see why she should see you as a threat? But also, the fact he has reassured you, that you will be there when he should be reassuring his wife that you are no threat?!!

I also can't imagine his wife smiling away listening to you sing after the ceremony?? I personally think you will be told that you cannot go soon and it'll be in your best interests to just decline the offer gracefully like some others have suggested!!

maggied_2

Eastie77 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I am just gutted at the prospect of missing out on the day due to a silly misunderstanding.

I completely understand why some people wouldn't be happy to see me if they were the fiancee but the e-mails really were harmless jokes. They were discussing events that happened years ago. If I were in her shoes I might be annoyed but I would not ban one of my fiance's closest friends from attending one of the most important days of his life.

I have asked my ex to sort this out. He has said as far as he is concerned I will be attending and the order of service will be drawn up with my name as I will be singing.

msb5262: I would rather not send her any more e-mails. Her initial messages to me were very hostile and abusive.

My God!!!! Are you for real? Have you actually heard yourself?

You know damn well how inappropriate it was to exchange emails of that nature with someone who's attached - otherwise you would find it perfectly easy to explain to your family why you're unwelcome on this occasion.

Who in their right mind would want (as someone so splendidly put it) the flirty girlfriend who hasn't moved on not only showing up but actually singing and being part of the ceremony?

You have asked your ex to sort it out???? Because you think the relationship you have with him trumps the wishes of his WIFE to be?

And as for the hostile emails.....you got off lightly. Leave well alone and have some dignity.

londoner1998

DKLS wrote: »

I am getting married this year and would be furious if my ex turned up, I would be calling armed police to have her evicted.

I cant believe the Op is even considering it, the fianc! doesn't want her there and that should be enough.

I agree. I have recently been in a similar situation to the one the bride to be is in- I think the OP needs to accept this is not about her and this is not her party. The groom is not her groom and it is up to him to sort it out with his fiance. I personally wouldn't want to be where I am not welcome.
I get the feeling she needs to let go of this...

RoxieW

I think its all been said really.
If I was the bride to be I would be furious. How can u even think of going to the wedding? U seem to want to 'win' or rub her nose in it. I'm sure a day apart from your mutual friends wont kill you.
Your reasons for wanting to attend are all wrong. You're not happy for the bride and groom. You've been unkind about her and have been flirty to her hubby to be. I feel sorry for the poor woman that he is sticking up for you. She must be so upset and it must already be ruining her special day.
I think you have a real nerve wanting to watch her walk up the aisle - with eyes full of spite and disdain - then eat their food and wedding cake and join in 'celebrating' their day when the only reason you want to go is to have a jolly with your mates and get some kind of oneupmanship on her. Heck, why dont you ask if you can cut in on the first dance.
If i was the woman in question and you turned up I can assure you you would be making a very swift exit one way or another.

RoxieW

OMG if he draws up the OOS with your name to sing that is so out of order I'm wondering if this is a troll or someone so far up her own bum that she cant see the wood for the trees. You getting up on that stage to sing against her wishes will be a kick in the teeth on the happiest day of her life - and i imagine, their marriage will be dead in the water before it's even begun. I cant believe he is saying all this to you. I feel he might be telling you one thing and her another unless he has absolutely no regard for the feelings of the woman he is meant to love and is commiting his life to ??