Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

Sublime_2

Don't go. These may have been jokey emails to you, but they were part of something personal, that you as another female has shared with her intended, and has been a source of discord between her and your ex, who should've known better.

Don't go, not worth the hassle.

Pollycat

Claire2831 wrote: »

I have to say if I was the bride alarm bells would be ringing. The fact that her husband2be is insisting someone she clearly does not want at the wedding (with justified reason) would not sit well with me at all.

Nor with me if I were the bride-to-be.

Not a great way to start a (hopefully) life-long relationship together, is it?

OP
Unless your ex AKA groom-to-be can sort this out with his intended, I think you should plan not to go.

As for explaining to the other members of your family who are expecting to attend - why not tell them the truth, embarrasing as it may be for you.

You say that you think the whole thing is ridiculous and really unfair - I think if you DO insist on attending, YOU'RE the one being unfair.

Rosie75

Eastie77 wrote: »

The fiancee has now said I am not invited to the wedding which is very upsetting for me and also embarrasing, I can't really explain the situation to the family members who are expecting to attend. My ex has said he is insisting I am coming and as far as he is concerned I will be there but I'm now not sure I should go. I really want to as we (ex and I) are part of a large circle of friends, all of whom will be going and so I will be the only one not in attendance - I think the whole thing is ridiculous and really unfair. Before anyone asks, I have tried to call the fiancee but she is being very unreasonable and seems unable to talk to me rationally.

Why not tell the family members the truth about why you're not attending the wedding? If you genuinely think that you've done nothing wrong and the bride is being "ridiculous", "unfair", "unreasonable" and "irrational"? Are you, perhaps, worried that they might not see things from your point of view?

belfastgirl23

You behaved inappropriately by engaging in what was a dodgy email exchange with him. And you're continuing to behave inappropriately now.

Frankly it's like listening to a spoilt child. I can almost hear 'I'll scream and scream until I'm sick'. The bride DOES NOT want you at her wedding. The only motivation I can see for wanting to go is to show her that you still have her fiance (soon to be husband) at your beck and call. If you could put yourself in her shoes for just one second then maybe you could see what the problem is.

Who cares if she has 'trust issues'. All the more reason to feel ashamed of how you've behaved and to apologise profusely. The only way you can salvage any friendship now is to decline gracefully.

As for your family could you not tell them the truth? Or would that be too embarassing? If the latter, that tells you everything you need to know.

BTW I'm not excusing the behaviour of your ex here - but presumably they've had their own conversations about this.

msb5262

You say that you think the whole thing is ridiculous and really unfair - I think if you DO insist on attending, YOU'RE the one being unfair.
posted by Pollycat, #23

This says it all for me. The OP is only thinking of herself - which is understandable but not right. If the OP continues even to consider attending the wedding, she is setting up her ex for conflict with his fiancee, at the very least. If he is really one of the OP's closest friends, surely his wellbeing would be her first concern and she would put this first by making sure she is otherwise engaged on the day in question.

Like some posters above, I'm afraid I keep wondering why the OP is willing or even keen to foster conflict between her ex and his fiancee...

paddy's_mum

He needs his backside kicking!

Why is he exchanging "suggestive" (for which read disloyal and hurtful if found by the fiancee) emails with an old flame? Would he be happy for her to be receiving naughty, raunchy communications as well as perhaps have to put up with his fiancee continuing to socialise with her past boyfriends or bed partners? No .. didn't think so.

Why is he insisting on having certain people who have caused her grave offence to their wedding? It doesn't sound to me as though they're both in the same harness. He's engaged in a face-saving exercise and riding rough-shod over her views (you will sing at their wedding- what's that all about?) when he might be wiser to be acting with understanding and sensitivity towards her wounded feelings.

She may (as you so kindly put it) have trust issues and be mad into the bargain but in her shoes, I think my faith in my fiance might have been very badly shaken too simply because he seems unable to let go of his 'rights' and put her first .. the private, insider jokes and the exclusion implied in your own comment "reminiscing about the past" simply reinforce her doubts and uncertainties. It may well be that she is by nature insecure but his attitudes/behaviour aren't helping, are they?

I suggest that you recognise that she has genuine grounds for not trusting you but might also be making you the scapegoat for not being able to hit out at the person who is actually responsible for all this hurt pride and injured feelings - him. I'm not sure that he is grown up enough for marriage if he thinks that all this 'boy' stuff is okay. Few girlfriends would object to a chap going to the pub with his rugby club mates. Whether a rugby club visit to a big city stripclub and massage parlour is okay for a married man with a young family is equally acceptable is another matter for most women, I suspect.

Objectively? Write her a letter apologising if any of your joshing with her man has caused trouble as it truly wasn't meant to (was it?!) and politely step down from any part of their wedding arrangements. Tell your family what's happened - why wouldn't you? - and let them make their own decision based on the full facts. They don't deserve to be part of the argument while being kept in ignorance of the situation.

You may genuinely have done nothing wrong ... other than tread on someone else's toes but there is no dignity for you in 'I'm going to the wedding and to hell with what she thinks'. Hope it all gets sorted with minimum upset and damage.

cheepskate_2

What the hell has it to do with you O.P who attends and who doesnt. I think you still have a little thing for him, or you want one over on the future wife.

I assume that when you say she has trust issues, that he had already told her he was contacting you and the saucy nature of the emails before she found out.

I think form that it may be the ex who has trust issues IYKWIM.

jenhug

stay well away!

belfastgirl23

Also I would very much doubt if he is really having the conversations with his fiancee that you think he's having - I think he's telling you what you want to hear and blaming her for what is most likely an agreed decision.

The only positive is that she will be going into the marriage with her eyes open about what an idiot he is...

MrsAnnie

Eastie, have a little dignity and step away.

You do not need to be there; it is THEIR day.


Let your EX and his bride-to-be have a lovely wedding. I am sure he will have a lovely wedding without your presence, and by you bowing out now will relieve any further stress you are putting on the groom by insisting your attendance.


Also, refering to you and your EX as 'we' in your post is a bit strange .