Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

Sarahsaver

I would not go. My sister invited my ex to HER wedding and i was so offended. there's no need to go.

londoner1998

OP, thanks for responding, I do agree with others that it takes courage to do that.
However, you still don't seem to get the point. You say she 'hacked' into his email account- you don't know what happened- I often pick up text messages from my OH's phone for him if he is busy as he really needs to be on-call for work, and I see texts, but I don't spy on him.
You keep mentioning the bride's insecurities but you don't seem to understand that she has decided not to invite you. Period. This is not about you.
Please, be humble, stop passing judgement about her and forget about this whole thing. She is upset and quite rightly so. Your ex is sitting on the fence and it seems a classic case of not wanting to rock the boat and wanting to please every one, which in this situation is impossible. However you intended that banter it was received in a way that it hurt. I agree with the person that said that you should drop this matter, and may be send a nice, thoughtful gift to her with a note apologising for any distress caused...after the wedding. You ex is not supposed to sort anything out for you anymore. Whether they are suited or not is not for you to decided either. They are together becasue they wantto be and that is nothign to do with you. You are not in his life in that capacity and you need to accept that. Just look at all the hassle you are creating. Stay away for a while. Move on.

londoner1998

Ps- you asked form an objective opinion and that's what you got. You should stop justifying yourself and listen a bit more.

suekjw

Inviting an ex to a wedding is not a problem to many people and provided both sides are happy then so be it. It appears to me you were more than welcome prior to her finding out about your suggestive emails. As soon as that happened a line was crossed. I hope you explain this to your parents rather than make it look like she has just taken a dislike to you, as you are selling her short if you do.

As for whether she should be marrying him at all given the mails, well, that's a whole other thread, but it is her decision. Maybe you should ask your boyfriend for his feelings on the subject?

Glen0000

OP have you ever been married? You seem to have zero concept of the dynamics between husband and wife.

I had a very good friend whom my wife did not like (he was a love rat and left his wife and four children). I was very close to this man, had known him since I was 5 and wanted to continue the friendship, but my wife was not happy. I ended the friendship. My wifes feelings come first. You are putting your friend in a very difficult position and any real friend would see that this mans future wife needs to come first.

I suspect you still have strong feelings for this man and seem to want to cause trouble. I hope he sees the light and cuts you out of his life as your friendship will be cause him nothing but trouble. He has made his choice. Get over it.

Pollycat

Re-reading through Eastie's latest posts, I've come across an interesting point:

Eastie77 wrote: »

I'm sorry as I know some people will find this unpalatable but my friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife.

Our contact has been mainly restricted to messenger/e-mail in recent times as he is in a relationship with his fiancee, previously we saw each other a lot more in person

I think the bold text comment from the OP says it all - she'd already been pushed into a 'back seat' position (quite rightly, imho) and after what's happened recently, I can only see that contact getting less and less.

flea72

Eastie77 wrote: »

T Our contact has been mainly restricted to messenger/e-mail in recent times as he is in a relationship with his fiancee, previously we saw each other a lot more in person .

Pollycat wrote: »

Re-reading through Eastie's latest posts, I've come across an interesting point:

I think the bold text comment from the OP says it all - she'd already been pushed into a 'back seat' position (quite rightly, imho) and after what's happened recently, I can only see that contact getting less and less.

what the OP really means is, the ex has been trying to keep a distance to please his B2B, but the OP just wont let things drop, and keeps emailing/messaging him

i also can see why the B2B is upset by the emails, as to be of a reminiscent, and suggestive nature, you must have been discussing sexual acts you did with the ex, and no-one wants that graffic an idea of their partners past

i an on socialising terms with alot of my exs, but thats only because they are also friends with my OH, and although we all know there is a past there, we dont ever refer to the time 'one of them took me up the aisle' (to coin a phrase) as that would just be overstepping the mark

F

Gingham_Ribbon

Eastie77 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I am just gutted at the prospect of missing out on the day due to a silly misunderstanding.
.

My ex came to my wedding and I expect my husband and I will be invited to his should he ever get married. We meet a couple of times a year and have a great laugh. We are still good friends.

However, there is no way on earth any reference to anything inappropriate would EVER be made. Suggestive, flirty nonsense has no place in a friendship where the friends are in other relationships.

I would do the decent thing and apologise profusely, promising to stay away from their wedding, adding that I understood if she would rather I broke off all contact with my ex.

This is not a silly misunderstanding in my opinion. This is about boundaries and you and she have different ideas on what they are. I'm afraid I share her point of view.

m000_2

I've been keeping an eye on this thread and must say there are a lot of decent and empathic people frequenting these boards. :T

Any comment I have has already been said so I won't repeat it all.

MrsAnnie

Eastie77 wrote: »

Thanks Beks (and other respondents to my latest post) - in the sea of universal condemnation at least there are a few replies that are not castigating me completely:)

I think it is unlikely the fiancee and I will become friends in the immediate future, there have been some very harsh exchanges between us now - I accept some responsibility as well - and I don't see us becoming friends anytime soon. (It is slightly awkward as we both work within the same field and are likely to bump into each other at events/exhibitions etc). However who knows what will happen in the future.

I'm sorry as I know some people will find this unpalatable but my friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife. I have known him since I was a child, I cannot imagine us not being friends and maintaining contact. I HAVE learnt my lesson and of course there will be no more suggestive e-mails.

@ notakid: in both of the passages you copied I made it clear that there was no suggestion that anything was going on between us. I think most people reading the e-mails would think there was perhaps some mild flirtation and suggestive comments but there is nothing explicit. However this must be looked at in the context of our friendship - we have always joked like this between us. Yes I have told some of our mutual friends about the situation. There has been a lot of talk and excitement about the wedding amongst us, a Facebook group set up to organise a stag do etc and so I have had to explain what has occurred and now my likely non-involvement. As mentioned, a few have said I should def. not attend and others suggested sitting discretely at the back of the church and not singing.

To the other poster who commented that my my close relationship with the ex was not clear, yes sorry that was not clear in the first messages. Our contact has been mainly restricted to messenger/e-mail in recent times as he is in a relationship with his fiancee, previously we saw each other a lot more in person We have known each other for so long and he has been there for me so many times over the years, it will be hard for me to miss this day. And yes his focus must be on his bride on the wedding day but he will of course note that I am not there. He has made it clear that he wants me there but as said I am taking advice given.

My mother and sister will be attending the wedding regardless, they are friends with his parents who have invited them. Again, this isn't my mum attending the wedding of her daughter's ex (which would be weird) - she has known the groom since he was a child and his mother for many years and would go to his wedding whoever he was marrying.

So your mutual friends have either told you not to attend or quietly sit like a wall flower at the back of the church????!!!!! Seriously!!! This must tell you something regarding the inappropriate nature of your so calles joking emails. If your own friends are telling you to keep you distance, what advice were you expecting from a public forum?????


If I was in your shoes I would be so remorsefull and mortified by my behavoiur towards someone elses H2B that I would want the world to swallow me up, instead of wanting to be front and centre at their wedding.


Furthermore, you keep saying best friend like you are the most important person in this mans life and that he will not be able to go on if you are not at the wedding. Get a grip!!! He is in love with this woman and is vowing to love her and commit to her forever!!!

Unless they are proposing a threesome, which I highly doubt, please just leave them alone and let the look forward to their wedding day, without hassle from a needy and clingy friend.