Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

miss.bint

I'm with the bride on this one :rolleyes:

When I first met my partner, he told me about an ex he used to be friends with. But she had treated him like dirt, used him to play daddy to her 5 year old son and then kicked him out because he wasn't "exciting" enough (she's a 'free-spirited-hippy' type)...

Anyway, they didn't speak for a couple of years until one day she phoned him up saying she had a brain tumour. So, they began speaking again, only because he felt he had to, because she'd had a rough time. Which was fair enough.

BUT when after we moved in together & had our daughter, she was contacting him through facebook, email, mobile - everyday! By this time she had made a full recovery I hasten to add!

I started getting annoyed and so went into his Facebook account and read the messages she had been sending him.
Asking if we would go & visit her in Cornwall & ending along the lines of:
"You look so happy (in your photos) & as gorgeous as ever. You'll always be my boy, Love you always xxxx"

Now, I have never met this woman, but from what I am told she is a manipulative bully and a nasty piece of work. My partner & his mother both confirmed that.

Anyway, I could see my OH was not rising to it like she hoped he would.
He did try & make out that she is like that with everyone (yeah - right!).

So I reminded him of what a bint she is and what she did to him.
I basically said she was still taking the p!ss out of you & if you don't want to have this argument again then get her off your facebook & change your number.

And he did. Why?
Because he loved me enough to do it and wanted a happy life with me & not her.

That was 2 years ago.

The End.

valos_mummy

OP, what do you mum and sister make of all this btw? I think either way you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't go, things might be a bit awkward between your mum and his mum. Especially if his mum asks your mum why you're not there. This is turn might lead to his mum giving him a talking to, and then to him having a go at his wife (maybe not at the wedding itself, but afterward) and a big argument. And if you do go, then all hell might break loose instead.

I would stay away though, send them a card from you and your OH, and a nice gift. Or send the gift from you and your family combined if you think she might be tempted to bin it! Don't contact him for a while, then maybe send another card offering your apologies and hope they've had a nice honeymoon etc. So she can see you are happy for them both.

Thing is, if your families are friends and you're in a group of friends there will come a time when you're all going to be in a room together and be civilised adults. I'd just be pleasant and let him talk to you only if he wants to. Of course, if she's as mad as you seem to think and tries to whoop your a$$ she'll only show herself up, so she'll probably be civil too.

I think it's a bit sad when you have a situation where people "forbid" their OH's from things. For a wedding, I can see it's justifiable - but in everyday life, if she's going to stop him meeting you and your friends in the pub etc you might just have to accept it's the way things are. I certainly don't think I own my OH and can keep him on a leash. You have to be able to trust your partner, otherwise what's the point?

Take Friends (the tv program), and the Ross/Emily/Rachel thing. Emily wanted Ross to break all contact with Rachel and said she'd give the marriage a go if she could know where he was all the time. Ross said he couldn't (even though Rachel told him to), Emily admitted she could no longer trust him and that was that.

I wouldn't mind inviting any ex's of my OH if we got married. In fact, the flirtier they were, the more I'd want to invite them - just so I could let them see for themselves exactly who he's marrying, which would be me, and have a little gloat and a mwahahahaha to myself :rotfl:

Steel_2

Eastie77 wrote: »

My friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife.

After this you may find it doesn't. He will have pressure brought to bear on him by his wife (and possibly family if this gets any bigger) and if pushed to make a decision between you or her, she will win. I'm sorry if that is harsh, but you clearly don't understand the dynamics that exist between a married couple. Times change and so do friendships, no matter how close or long-standing those friendships are. Families usually line up behind newly married couples to support them and you might find yourself treated harshly if you are perceived by others to be making the bride's life difficult.

Eastie77 wrote: »

I have known him since I was a child, I cannot imagine us not being friends and maintaining contact.

I can understand how confused you might be about the decreasing role you are playing in his life, but putting yourself in opposition with his soon-to-be wife will bring you nothing but misery. You will not be chosen over her if he is serious about her. And you may not be able to imagine it, but you wouldn't be the first ex/friend to have been cut from the contact list after a wedding and left wondering what the hell is happening.

Eastie77 wrote: »

He will of course note that I am not there

Hmmmm....not sure about that. I can't remember seeing half of my friends on my wedding day. I was pulled from pillar to post with family commitments and my husband. I know my best mate was there, but I never saw her or knew what time she left or even where she ended up sitting. If someone had said me afterwards she wasn't able to make it, I wouldn't have been able to say I noticed her absence. I was simply so busy, stressed and in demand from dozens of relatives and venue staff rushing up to talk to/hug/kiss me I don't think I drew breath until I got into the hotel room that night. Writing that down now, I realise how dreadful it sounds, but I know I couldn't have done anymore on my wedding day if I tried. I was trying to keep 70-odd people happy - no one person (apart from my hubby) could be given more attention on the day or in my mind than anyone else.

I know none of this is what you want to hear. We all want to hear that our friendships will endure through thick and thin, but they don't.

smartpicture

Steel wrote: »

We all want to hear that our friendships will endure through thick and thin, but they don't.

Or rather - they do tend to endure, when all parties involved are sensitive to the others' feelings and willing to compromise.

But the OP doesn't sound a sensitive and compromising kind of girl...

tanmu

send them a card and stay at home. A bride/groom should be able to enjoy their day without having someone there that has caused friction in their relationship whether intended or not.

YOU aren't the important one here. By attending, you'll only further jeopardise any future chance of maintaining a good friendship with this man, and definitely ruin chances of healing bridges with his wife. You may end up losing big time just to prove a point.

Kay_Peel

This is reminiscent of the Camilla-Charles-Diana triangle.

'Charles' is being insensitive and stupid. Camilla (the OP) should make herself scarce and not accept the invitation. She should also think very carefully about her future relationship with Charles - no more emails and texts if she has any sense of decency. My sympathies are with Diana, the bride-to-be. She should stick to her guns and see off Camilla.

bristol_pilot

I would never expect an 'ex' of either the bride or groom to attend a wedding.

RoxieW

miss.bint wrote: »

I'm with the bride on this one :rolleyes:

When I first met my partner, he told me about an ex he used to be friends with. But she had treated him like dirt, used him to play daddy to her 5 year old son and then kicked him out because he wasn't "exciting" enough (she's a 'free-spirited-hippy' type)...

Anyway, they didn't speak for a couple of years until one day she phoned him up saying she had a brain tumour. So, they began speaking again, only because he felt he had to, because she'd had a rough time. Which was fair enough.

BUT when after we moved in together & had our daughter, she was contacting him through facebook, email, mobile - everyday! By this time she had made a full recovery I hasten to add!

I started getting annoyed and so went into his Facebook account and read the messages she had been sending him.
Asking if we would go & visit her in Cornwall & ending along the lines of:
"You look so happy (in your photos) & as gorgeous as ever. You'll always be my boy, Love you always xxxx"

Now, I have never met this woman, but from what I am told she is a manipulative bully and a nasty piece of work. My partner & his mother both confirmed that.

Anyway, I could see my OH was not rising to it like she hoped he would.
He did try & make out that she is like that with everyone (yeah - right!).

So I reminded him of what a bint she is and what she did to him.
I basically said she was still taking the p!ss out of you & if you don't want to have this argument again then get her off your facebook & change your number.

And he did. Why?
Because he loved me enough to do it and wanted a happy life with me & not her.

That was 2 years ago.

The End.

Similar story here. my hubby had a crush on a girl in his teens who basically kept him dangling for a long time. Anyway fast forward to when friends reunited gets popular and she starts messaging him. I told him she's after flirting with him and getting attention but being a bloke he defended her and said oh no there's nothing wrong with catching up - man and woman can be friends, that's all she wants etc etc. Anyway as soon as he mentioned that he was with me and we had a child and happy she stopped contacting him immediately. Not a dicky bird until now we have facebook and she tries to add him as a friend. Luckily he's learnt his lesson by now lol and declined her invitation for round two of flirty past reminiscing.

Steel_2

smartpicture wrote: »

Or rather - they do tend to endure, when all parties involved are sensitive to the others' feelings and willing to compromise.

You have a point. Up until five years ago, I had two important friendships in my life. One was with a women I met at school when we were both 13. The other with a man I met at school when I was 15. I ended up having a relationship with the man later on, although when I met hubby we had been apart for around 18 months. We still spoke once or twice a week on the phone, used to text and email etc, but about 4 months into my relationship with hubby the dynamic started to change and the ex/friend became irate on a few occasions because I was putting my new relationship ahead of him. He wanted me to travel to see him for get togethers with his circle of friends and go out to concerts etc but wasn't really happy with my new man being there with me. He couldn't accept things had changed.

I couldn't handle being pulled between my new man and my old friend/boyfriend so I made the decision to cut contact with my friend. It was a very hard decision to make, but I knew deep down my new man was the one for me. I'd never felt so loved, so secure and so happy. I never felt that way with the old friend when we were together so the choice was clear.

The other female friend I'm still in contact with even though the contact is less than it used to be. But she has completely accepted hubby and when she rings up to speak to me will spend 5/10 minutes talking to him and finding out how he's been doing etc. He is always invited to everything and her family has accepted him as well. He has been enfolded into one loving circle with her family and friends.

The difference is so clear.

londoner1998

Gingham Robbon said the key word here- Boundaries.
You really need to respect their boundaries-whether you loke it or not. Move on with your life. Whaetver you say, it doesn't look like you have- . The world doesn;t always operate the way we want it but how we adapt to the changes and learn from them is what makes us better as people in the long run.

If you don't respect their decision (and please don't say it is her decision and not his- he is marrying her) I can guarantee you will have a lot of disappointment to deal with in the long run. It seems that you have a slightly distorted view of how relationships with ex's and their new partner should work.
You might not like it, but they have made a decision. You should be smarter than all this and just apologise to the bride to be and stay clear from their wedding. If your friendship with him is true and pure as you say, it will endure.