Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

Money_maker

Eastie77 wrote: »

she has not had to deal much with me at all since they got together.

Most of our mutual friends think she is over-reacting (at least that is what they have told me - of course they might really think otherwise but I've known these guys for years, we are all brutally honest with each other most of the time), I showed the e-mails to a few of them and most just thought they were really

OMG, the bride must be mad to marry into the m a f i a like this. You are making it sound like 'us' and 'her' - she must be deeply in love and have balls of steel to marry someone from the clutches of such a deep circle of friends.

You still dont get it though. Tell your mother the truth as to why you have been uninvited.
What happens between him, his mother and the bride to be is none of your business so keep out and stop stirring.

HopeAndDriftWood

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Dear mum,

I made a stupid, hurtful mistake and indulged in some inappropriate talk with xxxxx which, with hindsight, was a mistake though it was honestly innocent in intent. This has obviously hurt his fiance and I think it would be disrespectful to their relationship for me to attend their wedding.

'Fiance' has been extremely gracious about this and isn't trying to break up our friendship. I want to extend the same courtesy to her and avoid causing her any embarrassment during her big day, but I will be sending them a gift and look forward to seeing them again in the future.

I hope everyone will respect my wishes about this and that no-one will cause any upset as the most important thing is that the couple have a wonderful day and any arguing over who is right or wrong will obviously spoil things for them which none of us want.

Lots of love,

xxxxxx

?

I think this is perfect. Maybe by showing some decency and regret you will impress the bride and she might not make things difficult after the wedding. Telling everyone the truth will show respect, in my opinion. Lying and making it out to be her fault will just kill your relationship even more!

DJP74uk

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Dear mum,

I made a stupid, hurtful mistake and indulged in some inappropriate talk with xxxxx which, with hindsight, was a mistake though it was honestly innocent in intent. This has obviously hurt his fiance and I think it would be disrespectful to their relationship for me to attend their wedding.

'Fiance' has been extremely gracious about this and isn't trying to break up our friendship. I want to extend the same courtesy to her and avoid causing her any embarrassment during her big day, but I will be sending them a gift and look forward to seeing them again in the future.

I hope everyone will respect my wishes about this and that no-one will cause any upset as the most important thing is that the couple have a wonderful day and any arguing over who is right or wrong will obviously spoil things for them which none of us want.

Lots of love,

xxxxxx

?

Thats an excellent well written Letter. Eastie i think you have been incredibly naive. You and your ex have jepodised your friendship you both stupidly crossed that line. However i understand you feeling hurt but you are in a circle of friends that will unfortuantly never be his priority ever again and i can sympathise how difficult that can be for the "friends".

As for your parents and his parents tell them the truth. However i have no idea what this has to do with either parties. They are getting married and in my experience i would'nt of give a dam who approved and who didnt. My Dh and i were happy and for me that was the true meaning of getting married.

His mother will now have a new DIL and you must also prepare yourself that u will no longer have the same relationship with his mother as you once did.

I wish you well eastie x

Steel_2

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Dear mum,

I made a stupid, hurtful mistake and indulged in some inappropriate talk with xxxxx which, with hindsight, was a mistake though it was honestly innocent in intent. This has obviously hurt his fiance and I think it would be disrespectful to their relationship for me to attend their wedding.

'Fiance' has been extremely gracious about this and isn't trying to break up our friendship. I want to extend the same courtesy to her and avoid causing her any embarrassment during her big day, but I will be sending them a gift and look forward to seeing them again in the future.

I hope everyone will respect my wishes about this and that no-one will cause any upset as the most important thing is that the couple have a wonderful day and any arguing over who is right or wrong will obviously spoil things for them which none of us want.

Lots of love,

xxxxxx

?

Well...I know who I'm going to ask for advice next time I have something difficult to say.

Nicely put! :T

Gingham_Ribbon

Thank you very much.

sarahs999

Yep. Go with the gingham ribbon letter. No need to show anyone else the emails, all that does is fuel gossip. This sorry episode should be finished and put to bed right now, so that people have forgotten about it by the wedding. Never mind whose mum thinks what, that's none of your concern. Your only concern now is to put this right in a way that allows them to have their big day successfully.

Also just one thing. I think you should stop calling him your 'ex' and just call him your friend. It speaks volumes that although you profess to be over the relationship you still define him by it - despite having been just friends for much longer than you were lovers. I rarely refer to any of my 'exes' as exes, they're just friends now.

Eastie77

Sarahs999 - i actually meant to write in my last post that it would be more appropriate (and less emotive) for me to refer to him as my friend rather than ex as he has indeed been my friend longer than we were in a relationship.

But do you really refer to all your exes as friends rather than exes? I don't know anyone who does that.

Gingham Ribbon - thanks for the suggested letter/e-mail. Although I can't actually send my mum an e-mail or letter (she would think it very strange if I sent her something in the post and she does not have an e-mail account) I appreciate the tone and content of what you have written.

I will give it all some thought. My only point is that if I tell his mother the actual situation she is likely to confront the fiancee as she will think this whole thing is ridiculous. So it is better for the fiancee if I tell her MIL to be that I cannot attend and make up a story so that it is nothing to do with the fiancee.

I cannot think of anything plausible at the moment (i.e. an important event that could clash with the wedding) but I am going to meet some of our mutual friends in a couple of hours at the pub so will talk with them. In the worst case scenario I will just have to explain what really occurred which is not something I relish.

Thanks
Eastie

SandC

Just another thing about putting yourself in the fiancee's shoes..... not everyone is lucky enough to have a group of firm friends who go back to primary school days. Sounds like she doesn't, so she can't be expected to understand the dynamics of these sort of set ups. Also, your contact appears to have been minimal anyway since they met - so you must be talking of a couple of years. If the friendships between the die hard group of mates were so strong then she would have been welcomed into the throng as another one to join the big group. Wouldn't she? Yet she didn't, so you must accept that the dynamics changed a long time ago - and so must the rest of the group of you who are probably seeing this as a get together like 'one of the old days' when it's HER wedding too. Seems like he is seeing it a bit like this too.

Though I do understand to an extent how this must be for you, the one and only thing to remember here is that the wedding is the day of the bride and groom - and especially the bride.

It is not about the mates - that's the stag night (and a group of mixed friends can all have a big stag night that doesn't have to be same sex - I know I have been on a 'stag' night of a good friend who wanted to celebrate with his friends but had equal male and female).

Gingham_Ribbon

Eastie77 wrote: »

Gingham Ribbon - thanks for the suggested letter/e-mail. Although I can't actually send my mum an e-mail or letter (she would think it very strange if I sent her something in the post and she does not have an e-mail account) I appreciate the tone and content of what you have written.

I will give it all some thought. My only point is that if I tell his mother the actual situation she is likely to confront the fiancee as she will think this whole thing is ridiculous. So it is better for the fiancee if I tell her MIL to be that I cannot attend and make up a story so that it is nothing to do with the fiancee.

Eastie

You're welcome.

Your friend's mum, if she'd really behave like that, is the one responsible for her own behaviour. It is NONE of her business. Do you need to tell her anything? You could always leave it up to your friend to tell her whatever he wants.

SugarSpun

Eastie, I think you've been very brave in continuing to respond to the thread - but I'd send the gingham ribbon email to the mother of the groom. I'm sure she'll respect your candour and although she may well be disappointed she won't want to disrupt her son's wedding day any more than anyone else does.

Best to send a sincere apology to the bride and a nice wedding gift to the couple, let your mother know why you're not attending - be honest and try not to be dismissive of the bride's feelings - and plan something for the day of the wedding that you'll enjoy doing. And then put it all out of your head and move on. You did something ill-advised, which had some nasty consequences, but as soon as you've taken care of the fallout you can brush yourself off and move on.