Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

Proc

Eastie77 wrote: »

I cannot think of anything plausible at the moment (i.e. an important event that could clash with the wedding) but I am going to meet some of our mutual friends in a couple of hours at the pub so will talk with them. In the worst case scenario I will just have to explain what really occurred which is not something I relish.

Thanks
Eastie

You just don't get it, do you? The bride-to-be would be absolutely mortified if she knew you were down the pub discussing private matters of naughty emails etc with all of the grooms and her friends. I appreciate that you word your posts eloquently, but your actions are absolutely dire. You have zero respect for other people's feelings.

Stop dragging other people into this. It's absolutely disgusting.

Just say that your current boyfriend had arranged some family event that you couldn't miss, or something like that. A work event, whatever, use your brain. I'm guessing though that you wouldn't be able to use the boyfriend excuse because his family are conveniently friends with your exes family etc blah blah.

shellsuit

Eastie77 wrote: »

Sarahs999 - i actually meant to write in my last post that it would be more appropriate (and less emotive) for me to refer to him as my friend rather than ex as he has indeed been my friend longer than we were in a relationship.

But do you really refer to all your exes as friends rather than exes? I don't know anyone who does that. I refer them by their names, unless it's the children's Dad, who I only call 'ex' on here.

Gingham Ribbon - thanks for the suggested letter/e-mail. Although I can't actually send my mum an e-mail or letter (she would think it very strange if I sent her something in the post and she does not have an e-mail account) I appreciate the tone and content of what you have written.

I will give it all some thought. My only point is that if I tell his mother the actual situation she is likely to confront the fiancee as she will think this whole thing is ridiculous.Really? You don't know that, so why not show her the messages and emails and see what her reaction is? Or better still, you tell your Mum and he can tell his Mum! So it is better for the fiancee if I tell her MIL to be that I cannot attend and make up a story so that it is nothing to do with the fiancee. Why lie? Be honest!

I cannot think of anything plausible at the moment (i.e. an important event that could clash with the wedding) but I am going to meet some of our mutual friends in a couple of hours at the pub so will talk with them. In the worst case scenario I will just have to explain what really occurred which is not something I relish. Then you shouldn't have been a party to the suggestive messages!

Thanks
Eastie

Don't try and make out you are not going to tell the truth to benefit the fiancee, you don't want to tell the truth because it will look bad on your behalf. That's how it comes across anyway, because it's just a load of excuses.

I hope they have a wonderful wedding day and I sincerely hope you don't tag along and ruin it for them.

bylromarha

OP - I'm impressed you're still contributing to this thread. I'd have quit long ago!

Whilst there is lots of good advice on this thread, you must remember that all the people on here know nothing of you, your friends or your family and the sort of relationships that exist between you all.

We're only going by what you've typed and, as you've found out, what you write on the internet can be fully understood by the receipient in the way it's meant in the context of that relationship, but misread / misunderstood by others who don't know you so well.

I think it's a fair assumption that all of us posting on this thread have read your posts in different ways and put our own life experience on it. Gingham is right about relationship boundaries, but boundaries are different in the nuances of relationships and whilst Gingham's boundaries may be that you don't do suggestive talk with friends who are ex's (and again we don't know what level of suggestiveness it is...) , I know some people do find it a natural part of their relationship with friends who were ex's.

I personally would talk to someone about this situation who knows you all well, and is not too emotionally involved in any way and whose opinion you respect and has a little wisdom in life. Their opinion, IMO, will be worth far more than the responses on this thread, mine included. And they're far less likely to hurl the insults and accusations that have flown around, quite harshly I feel, on this thread.

Do you have anyone you can chat to about this who's a little older and wiser? I'd make a call to them and not discuss it with the mates you share with your friend tonight - it'll prolong the problem and make it worse for all involved.

All the best and I hope you all come out of the situation in an amicable way.

naijapower

I am surprised the OP is still chatting here. I believe enough has been said here and the message should have been absorbed by now.
If not, then OP has real and major issues.
I say no more!!!

MrsAnnie

I am getting really confused . Eastie can not seem to make up her mind which story is the truth.

Example:

[QUOTE=Eastie77;28538891As_mentioned,_a_few_have_said_I_should_def._not_attend_and_others_suggested_sitting_discretely_at_the_back_of_the_church_and_not_singing[/QUOTE]

Eastie77 wrote: »

Most of our mutual friends think she is over-reacting (at least that is what they have told me - of course they might really think otherwise but I've known these guys for years, we are all brutally honest with each other most of the time), I showed the e-mails to a few of them and most just thought they were really amusing - however they have known both me and the ex for years and so this obviously needs to be seen in that context.

Anyone else starting to think...TROLL ALERT :eek:

or even worse..perhaps she's a bunny boiler, as my DH might more eloquently put it!!! :rotfl::rotfl:

Claire2831

OP – With all due respect, I still don’t think you get it….

You say you’re Mum wont be happy when she finds out and who will now take her to the wedding. You say you’re ex’s Mum won’t be happy if she find out you won’t be attending the wedding. Neither of these points are relevant, it’s neither of these peoples wedding day is it!

You don’t know how to tell you’re ex’s Mum – how about you tell her the truth? Don’t pretend that you are trying to save the bride agro, clearly you are aware that you have done wrong and you are embarrassed to say to her (rightly so). So what if you’re ex’s Mum challenges her about her action, I’m sure the bride will soon set her straight.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but you really do think an awful lot of yourself.

BilberryCharlotte

MrsAnnie wrote: »

I am getting really confused . Eastie can not seem to make up her mind which story is the truth.

Example:







Anyone else starting to think...TROLL ALERT :eek:

or even worse..perhaps she's a bunny boiler, as my DH might more eloquently put it!!! :rotfl::rotfl:

Well I have read this thread all through, and I think you may be right and it is a troll,. Either that or some t*t who loves herself far more than she could ever love anyone else and cannot understand that not everyone else feels the same way

Eastie77

If anyone reading is in touch with administrators and knows how to lock/remove a thread please do so as it looks as if this whole thread has got a bit out of control.

I've taken onboard constructive criticism as well as ridiculous comments such as calling myself and my friends a !!!!! etc but the last straw is now being called a 'troll' which as I understand it is someone who posts messages as a wind-up.
So my last comment will be that I posted here for advice as a couple of my friends have used this forum and found it helpful but a lot of the replies have just been silly personal attacks. In any case thanks to those who responded with useful, thoughtful advice. Eastie

Gingham_Ribbon

The red triangle at the bottom right hand corner of posts will allow you to email admin. You can click on this post if you like, rather than singling out one post here.

Oldernotwiser

Eastie77 wrote: »

My mum in particular is not going to be happy about this (not to mention her annoyance about arranging to get to the New Forest if I don't go as neither she nor my sister drive.)

I really hope that what your mother's going to be livid about is the emails you've sent, rather than the fact that you're not going!
My ex's mum is unlikely to be happy if his new wife declared a 'her or me' type ultimatum once they are married. Again, a bit tricky to explain all in a forum but I am 32 and have been friends with my ex since I was 5 years old. His mum and my mum have been friends for over 40 years, I basically see her as a second mum so she would not be happy if I was no longer 'allowed' to be friends with her son and she would voice her disapproval.

Again, if you could be honest about the lascivious emails you've been sending then I'm sure she'll understand perfectly well!

Re the wedding day itself, she will want to know what is going on as she is expecting me to be there and we have talked about the song I will be singing.

If not, then I suppose I will have to tell her that I am not coming but I cannot think of a single plausible reason I can possibly come up with, assuming the fiancee does not tell her the reason behind it.

What is wrong with admitting the truth about the way you've behaved to provoke this situation, then everyone will understand perfectly well what's happened!
.

All your problems stem from the fact that you're trying to hide the truth from both families because you know, deep down, how badly it reflects on you and how it will affect the way they perceive you.

As for upsetting your mother re her plans,; if you really care about her and your sister attending the wedding then drive them there and spend the day rambling in the New Forest - that way you won't be able to cause any more harm!