Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

Pepzofio

valos_mummy wrote: »

I think either way you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you don't go, things might be a bit awkward between your mum and his mum. Especially if his mum asks your mum why you're not there. This is turn might lead to his mum giving him a talking to, and then to him having a go at his wife (maybe not at the wedding itself, but afterward) and a big argument.

I agree with most of your post, but not this bit - surely OP just has to be upfront with her mum but explain that she feels bad about the whole thing and does not want it to go any further. If I'd got myself in this situation, my mum would probably be mortified about and I doubt she would be admitting the real reason for my absence to the groom's mother!

I'm sure her mum is more than capable of coming up with some other excuse as to why OP couldn't make it to save everyone face. No reason for his mum to be dragged into it all...

valos_mummy

Pepzofio wrote: »

I agree with most of your post, but not this bit - surely OP just has to be upfront with her mum but explain that she feels bad about the whole thing and does not want it to go any further. If I'd got myself in this situation, my mum would probably be mortified about and I doubt she would be admitting the real reason for my absence to the groom's mother!

I'm sure her mum is more than capable of coming up with some other excuse as to why OP couldn't make it to save everyone face. No reason for his mum to be dragged into it all...

Good point, hadn't thought about that. Although if I was the groom's mother, I'd probably sense the tension and push for an explanation from my son once the wedding stuff had died down. But that's just me; god help any children I have! I'll have to keep myself in check a lot, or I'll be the worst interfering mother ever

sarahs999

I've just read this whole thread and while I do have some sympathy for the OP (I had a couple of exes at my wedding and so did DH - both totally happy with it, plus last year I even did the wedding cake for one ex and his wife!) I too think you should not go. It is utterly clear from so many angles.

I understand totally what you wrote about your relationship with this man, and your history, and how you feel, as I've had similar relationships with a couple of my male friends. But the ultimate, important fact is this: your relationship with this man is now second to her. At least it should be. Within a marriage the couple's loyalty should be unquestioningly towards each other. That's what you vow when you stand up there in front of your family and friends. Your relationship with him must now change, and if you can't accept that you are about to enter a very difficult period of your life, as every time you have contact with him you will cause great upset.

If you want to ever salvage any kind of relationship with him (and frankly I don't think you should; you seem far too hung up on nostalgia for your romantically attached past and your current closeness for it to be healthy) you need to back right off, decline to attend the wedding graciously, write a very brief but utterly sincere apology to his wife to be, and then leave them alone. Possibly for months and months. And if you're any kind of true friend to your ex, suggest that he has a quick read-up on what married life is about. Consideration for your spouse, and a willingness to compromise. That's what makes a lasting marriage. Anything else is heading for a rough ride.

By the way, has your boyfriend seen the email exchanges?

Pepzofio

Steel wrote: »

We still spoke once or twice a week on the phone, used to text and email etc, but about 4 months into my relationship with hubby the dynamic started to change and the ex/friend became irate on a few occasions because I was putting my new relationship ahead of him. He wanted me to travel to see him for get togethers with his circle of friends and go out to concerts etc but wasn't really happy with my new man being there with me. He couldn't accept things had changed.

God - build a bridge and get over it!! (Him, not you, Steel!) I've had several very close female friends who seemed to disappear in a puff of smoke for a few months when they got a new boyfriend - I'd managed to accept before I came out of teens that this is inevitable. You've only got a finite amount of time to spend with people, and the more people you meet the less time you can spend with each of them! If someone special comes into your life then they're obviously going to get a greater share of that time.

I have about 4 'best' friends, none of whom I see frequently (let alone as frequently as I did when the friendship was formed) - partly due to geography but also just due to 'life'. I would love to see more of them, but it doesn't really matter as with all of them we both know we are there for each other when it counts, and when we do eventually manage to get together we enjoy it all the more.

SugarSpun

Pepzofio wrote: »

I have about 4 'best' friends, none of whom I see frequently (let alone as frequently as I did when the friendship was formed) - partly due to geography but also just due to 'life'. I would love to see more of them, but it doesn't really matter as with all of them we both know we are there for each other when it counts, and when we do eventually manage to get together we enjoy it all the more.

I'm now wondering if you're one of my best friends

We're exactly the same, and one of the things that makes it wonderful is that there's no pressure - we see each other when we can, and it's as if we've just been away for the weekend. It's not about the time you spend with someone but the depth to which you can rely on them, and the OP's ex has chosen to sit in the metaphorical shallow end for the OP because he has a fiancee and a new future ahead of him.

Which is exactly as it should be.

shellsuit

My friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife.

He will of course note that I am not there

Who the hell do you think you are?

You're not this bloke's number 1, his fiancee is, that's why he is marrying her!

You've stated that the emails were suggestive, but that they didn't suggest that anything was going on, but you can't see why his fiancee would take exception to that ~ are you mad?!

The bloke you are with now, is he the only person you have been with since this ex? What does he have to say about it all, because I'm assuming he knows about the suggestive emails

Seems to me you can't let go. If you thought anything of your friendship, you would bow out graciously. As for your family attending, well if you don't feel you have done anything wrong, you won't have a problem telling them why you are no longer invited, will you?

And as for him noticing that you won't be there ~ sorry to p!ss on your parade little Miss me me me, but he will be too interested in his beautiful wife to notice whether you are there or not!

I can't believe that you have asked him to sort it out, leave them alone for Gods sake!

Steel_2

Pepzofio wrote: »

God - build a bridge and get over it!! (Him, not you, Steel!)

The thing is, had he invited us both and made an effort, hubby would probably have come with me to something once or twice, checked out the lie of the land and then been quite happy for me to have him as a friend.

But when he started behaving oddly and trying to exclude hubby, hubby said straight away that he thought the guy still liked me to some degree and was behaving inappropriately.

I couldn't disagree. I was really disappointed because I wanted my friends to get on with him and value him as a companion as much as I did. But I could see my ex/friend could not do that.

Eastie77

Can I start by saying that unless the fiancee has a change of heart I have accepted I am not going to the wedding. I can't really argue with over 100 replies and the opinions of some of my friends. Some of the the responses here have been incredibly harsh and judgemental but I guess that comes with the territory on a public forum and I did ask for opinions. I just hope none of you inadvertently find yourselves in a similar situation.

My mum and sis know there is a problem but not the exact nature of it, they basically know that the fiancee is not keen on me but they do not know about the e-mail exchanges and I have not told them yet that she does not want me to attend. I am dreading it. My mum in particular is not going to be happy about this (not to mention her annoyance about arranging to get to the New Forest if I don't go as neither she nor my sister drive.)

@ Steel: Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your comments about the dynamics of friendships and marriages. My ex's mum is unlikely to be happy if his new wife declared a 'her or me' type ultimatum once they are married. Again, a bit tricky to explain all in a forum but I am 32 and have been friends with my ex since I was 5 years old. His mum and my mum have been friends for over 40 years, I basically see her as a second mum so she would not be happy if I was no longer 'allowed' to be friends with her son and she would voice her disapproval.

Re the wedding day itself, she will want to know what is going on as she is expecting me to be there and we have talked about the song I will be singing.

Anyway, my ex has said he has talked to the fiancee, she is calmer but still upset. She has told him she is not saying that she expects him to sever all ties with me but she does not want to see me at all on their wedding day. He is really upset at this whole episode, some of you have suggested that he is some kind of disloyal, cheating person who is treating his fiancee badly but that is really not the case. He has just told her that he wants all his friends around him on his wedding day, there will not be a lot of guests at this wedding and he is not from a big family so his friends mean a lot to him.

I will ask my ex if his fiancee is planning to tell his mum that I am banned (I doubt it). If not, then I suppose I will have to tell her that I am not coming but I cannot think of a single plausible reason I can possibly come up with, assuming the fiancee does not tell her the reason behind it. I realise 99% of you think this is my own fault but this really is a horrible situation for me now. If she kicks up a fuss and confronts the fiancee (likely) I will be further condemned as a troublemaker in the fiancees eyes. My ex's mother is the type of person who will say that we all need to sit down and talk about it which I don't want as I agree it is time for me to step away from any contact with the fiancee now.

Eastie77

And I'm sorry I'm coming across as 'unpleasant' and 'uncompromising' to some of you - that is not the case. When the fiancee e-mailed me after discovering the e-mails I replied stating categorically that I did not mean to cause any upset and was in no way attempting to derail her marriage. I was apologetic. She said amongst other things that she was fed up with 'dealing with me' and my relationship with the ex which i found strange, she has not had to deal much with me at all since they got together.

I have respected their relationship and have not seen much of my ex since they got together, mainly when going out with our mutual friends and he is sometimes at my mum's house when I pop around to see her and vice-versa. Our conversations are limited to messenger when we are at work. I work in online media and my company encourages the use of messenger for communication so this is naturally how we chat to each other during the day .

Most of our mutual friends think she is over-reacting (at least that is what they have told me - of course they might really think otherwise but I've known these guys for years, we are all brutally honest with each other most of the time), I showed the e-mails to a few of them and most just thought they were really amusing - however they have known both me and the ex for years and so this obviously needs to be seen in that context.


I'm honestly not trying to put myself in opposition to her - he loves her and I'm not trying to 'compete' with that at all. My relationship with him as a friend is different from his relationship with his actual wife.

I have thought about some of the more reasoned replies in this thread which have advised me to put myself in her shoes and I CAN understand her being upset. However I can honestly say that if I were her and my fiance's friend/ex apologized I would relent and allow that person to attend the wedding. I suppose this comes down to personalities. I have never had an issue with any past boyfriends keeping in touch with their ex-girlfriends, my last boyfriend went to the aid of his ex who was diagnosed with cancer and spent a lot of time taking her to the hospital etc etc. I trusted him completely and if I had found flirtatious messsages between them I would be upset but I would listen calmly and not send her abusive messages.

Anyway, all a moot point. I will not be attending and I do appreciate the day is about her/him and not me.

I am now trying to concentrate on finding the best way to let my mother and his mother know.

Thanks for the advice
Eastie

Steel_2

It's not easy and I don't blame you for being worried about how much bigger this will end up blowing up into. Weddings bring out some strange beasts in families, especially mothers!

Listen, if the bride doesn't relent and you don't attend, book a holiday and go sit on a hot beach for a few days with a stack of books. Don't sit there feeling cr*p while everyone else goes. Take off a few days before the wedding.