Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

beks

OP - I do think people have been harsh in judging you although maybe your first post was a little ... uncaring? misleading?! Having said that I dont think you have done anything particularly wrong.
However, sadly, I do go with the majority vote and dont think you should go to the wedding. I do not think it would be fair on the bride. If you care about your ex (friend) so much then you should do everything in your power to try and build bridges with his fiancee otherwise your relationship may well come to an end.

notakid

Eastie77 wrote: »

A few months ago we were exchanging a few e-mails with each other and reminiscing about about the past and comments and jokes were exchanged regarding things that happened during the course of our relationship. I won't go into detail but will admit some were suggestive in nature. However there is NO SUGGESTION in the e-mails that anything was actually happening between us, it was very clear that we were in reference to the past.

Eastie77 wrote: »

The e-mails: They were JOKES. We were talking about things that happened several years ago, they were not sexually explicit but referenced things like a horrible hotel we stayed in during a holiday and other things that have happened over the course of our friendship and past relationship. .

Totally different explanations, it could be that you worded it badly first time round or its just down to human nature, no one likes to be caught out and made to look like the bad guy. We all lie to ourselves, and to each other and self justify.


Have you told your mutual friends what happened?

grey_lady

Read Steel's 95 post again, very insightful and brilliant.

Eastie77

Thanks Beks (and other respondents to my latest post) - in the sea of universal condemnation at least there are a few replies that are not castigating me completely:)

I think it is unlikely the fiancee and I will become friends in the immediate future, there have been some very harsh exchanges between us now - I accept some responsibility as well - and I don't see us becoming friends anytime soon. (It is slightly awkward as we both work within the same field and are likely to bump into each other at events/exhibitions etc). However who knows what will happen in the future.

I'm sorry as I know some people will find this unpalatable but my friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife. I have known him since I was a child, I cannot imagine us not being friends and maintaining contact. I HAVE learnt my lesson and of course there will be no more suggestive e-mails.

@ notakid: in both of the passages you copied I made it clear that there was no suggestion that anything was going on between us. I think most people reading the e-mails would think there was perhaps some mild flirtation and suggestive comments but there is nothing explicit. However this must be looked at in the context of our friendship - we have always joked like this between us. Yes I have told some of our mutual friends about the situation. There has been a lot of talk and excitement about the wedding amongst us, a Facebook group set up to organise a stag do etc and so I have had to explain what has occurred and now my likely non-involvement. As mentioned, a few have said I should def. not attend and others suggested sitting discretely at the back of the church and not singing.

To the other poster who commented that my my close relationship with the ex was not clear, yes sorry that was not clear in the first messages. Our contact has been mainly restricted to messenger/e-mail in recent times as he is in a relationship with his fiancee, previously we saw each other a lot more in person We have known each other for so long and he has been there for me so many times over the years, it will be hard for me to miss this day. And yes his focus must be on his bride on the wedding day but he will of course note that I am not there. He has made it clear that he wants me there but as said I am taking advice given.

My mother and sister will be attending the wedding regardless, they are friends with his parents who have invited them. Again, this isn't my mum attending the wedding of her daughter's ex (which would be weird) - she has known the groom since he was a child and his mother for many years and would go to his wedding whoever he was marrying.

flea72

Eastie77 wrote: »

he will of course note that I am not there

honestly, where do you get over yourself?

no, he wont notice you arent there, he will be too wrapped up in getting married, and keeping his guests happy - heck on my wedding day, i couldnt even tell you if my mum was there, as you get so swept away in the proceedings

tbh, if he is wondering where you are, then his wife should be heading for a quick annulment

F

polgara

[QUOTE=Eastie77;28538891

I think it is unlikely the fiancee and I will become friends in the immediate future, there have been some very harsh exchanges between us now - I accept some responsibility as well - and I don't see us becoming friends anytime soon.

I'm sorry as I know some people will find this unpalatable but my friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife..[/QUOTE]

Hmmmm...come back in a few years....if they're still together I can almost certainly bet you won't be as close - unless you make amends to the fiancee.

floss2

Eastie77 wrote: »

...I don't see us becoming friends anytime soon. (It is slightly awkward as we both work within the same field and are likely to bump into each other at events/exhibitions etc).

You will be professional as you are with anyone else that you have to work with but whom you don't really get on with.

Eastie77 wrote: »

...I'm sorry as I know some people will find this unpalatable but my friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife...

Very commendable - however, you may find that he backs off, doesn't contact you, becomes "unavailable" for you. This will be because he will be married, to his wife, who he will be putting before all others - including you.

Money_maker

I dont think anyone was harsh.

You think this is all about you - it's all about this man and his wife to be. You are a friend (an old one, granted) but thats it. His loyalties lie with his new wife to be and family to come.

I would suggest that in the years to come you try to be friendly with his new wife as any demands that your friendship is extinguished by her will be complied with by him (and quite rightly).

Pollycat

As a poster who definitely came down on the side of the bride-to-be, I have a few comments to make re the clarifcation posts from the OP:

If the OP hadn't worded her first post on this subject in such a selfish and 'I've been hard done to' manner, she may have got a more sympathetic response.

As for the nature of the emails, in the own OP's words,

I won't go into detail but will admit some were suggestive in nature.

We always make silly jokes, some of them of with sexual innuendos

To me, the amazing thing is, she STILL doesn't get why she's been treated as she has.

The OP has been rude to this woman, referring to her as

mad and out of control!

and even in her later posts:

Any sane woman reading the exchange calmly would not be threatened in the slightest by it.

I just hope that the bride-to-be uses MSE or someone she knows recognises her from the described situation and puts her wise to the true nature of her husband-to-be's 'best' friend.

I'm sorry as I know some people will find this unpalatable but my friendship with my ex will continue regardless of my relationship with his wife.

As another poster has said, I wouldn't bet on it, especially if you're 'outed' by posting on here.

I think you might find that you're surplus to requirements - unless your friend's new wife is happy to emulate Diana and have 'three people in her marriage' - and I doubt that.

aliasojo

Money_maker wrote: »

You think this is all about you - it's all about this man and his wife to be. You are a friend (an old one, granted) but thats it. His loyalties lie with his new wife to be and family to come.

I completely agree. It's very clear that the OP seems to think her importance is great and she is almost fighting the bride for her 'right' to be included.

OP I accept you have played a large part in his life and are close but friendships evolve as do relationships. Even a parent will at one point have to accept they are no longer the most important part in their child's life.

For someone who views their friend as important, you seem to be doing all you can to place him in an impossible position. If you truely cared for him as a friend (more than you seem to care for yourself and your own feelings) you would want to make his day as lovely and as stress free as possible. Asking him to 'sort this out' was a step too far imo and shows how you view yourself.

Even your own friends have said you should back off. I'm surprised you ever made this an issue tbh. Humility is a great thing, perhaps swap some of your self importance for it?