Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

Tashja

I think the OP posted because she really was going to go to the wedding and wanted people to tell her she was in the right !! Whoops !!

Dont think she will post again but bet she still goes !!

xx

donquine

Tashja wrote: »

I think the OP posted because she really was going to go to the wedding and wanted people to tell her she was in the right !! Whoops !!

Dont think she will post again but bet she still goes !!

xx

I think some posters have been too harsh in the way they've expressed an opinion and I sincerely hope that doesn't cause the OP to disregard the general consensus of "don't go". The groom is clearly as much to blame as the OP - I don't think any of us are putting all of that on her - but we're just looking out for the bride as she can't post here and talk about how this situation is making her feel.

I don't think the OP could originally see that and I hope, on the whole, we've given some perspective.

I do acknowledge some posts have been overly critical though and I really hope this hasn't put the OP off from a) reading and b) continuing to use this site.

mumslave

Unfortunately for the OP I doubt many people will be able to not be overly critical when she posts about her embarressment and upset if she doesnt go, but no regard at all to the embaressment and upset the bride will feel if she does...and what the bride probably felt on finding out her husband to be was flirting with his ex. Totally selfish people rarely get much synpathy and fluffiness.

Steel_2

I recently went to a party with my husband. It was being hosted by one of his best friends, who he has known for over 30 years.

A few days before the party, he took me aside and said: "I have something to tell you. There will be a woman there from my past. She was my girlfriend when I was 19 (he's now 48). Will you be all right with this? She was a nice lady then and I don't think she'll be silly. We won't go if you don't want to be around her." And then he suggested a lovely restaurant we could go to instead for the evening.

Now apparently, he was with this woman four weeks and didn't get any further than a few tongue sandwiches and a boob grope. Before we got together 5 years ago, he saw her every few years at the odd event at his friend's house. This is the first event he was going to since he met me where she would be there.

My point? He still put me first in the matter. He still told me about her and worried that I would be unhappy and was willing to not go and miss a best friend's 45th birthday party. My happiness was paramount to his. If I wasn't going to be happy, neither would he. And this was all over some bird he got kiss and a feel off nearly 30 years ago. He could have swanned into that party having said nothing and thinking it was so small a thing it would be stupid for me to have an issue with it. But he didn't.

Your friend is putting you first at his own wedding and he really damn well shouldn't be.

His future wife must come first or there's no future at all.

Part of being a friend is being able to tell another friend when they are being a stubborn twit, which I'm afraid is something you must do with yours before he ruins his relationship with his fiance. And if you can't do that, ask yourself if it's really friendship you're after at all.

Mrs_Moc

Tashja wrote: »

I think the OP posted because she really was going to go to the wedding and wanted people to tell her she was in the right !! Whoops !!

Dont think she will post again but bet she still goes !!

xx

OP is logged in and probably reading all the replies. I hope she realises that the majority of responses saying dont go, lets her know there is only one thing to do here

Eastie77

wow. ok, well I have just logged back in and have digested all the replies. I get the message. I think a lot of the replies have been very harsh and I'm a bit taken aback but will just clarify a few points before retiring from this thread which seems to upset so many people....

My ex and I have been friends since we were kids, we were friends before we went out (briefly) and remained so afterwards. I was one of the first people he told about his engagement and he immediately asked me to sing at the wedding to which I agreed. I say this to make it clear that by banning me from the wedding his fiancee is not banning an 'ex' - she is banning a life-long friend. My parents and his parents are friends and my mum and sister are invited to the wedding as well.

The e-mails: They were JOKES. We were talking about things that happened several years ago, they were not sexually explicit but referenced things like a horrible hotel we stayed in during a holiday and other things that have happened over the course of our friendship and past relationship. At no point did we reference his fiancee, make any comments about cheating etc etc. They were all lighthearted. In one exchange I mentioned how much he must be looking forward to the wedding. Any sane woman reading the exchange calmly would not be threatened in the slightest by it. Why are some women so threatened by their partner's female friends?

I do not want my ex back. He is and always will be one of my closest friends. If he did not want me to attend the wedding he would tell me so he is not just trying to spare my feelings by saying he is putting his foot down. We always make silly jokes, some of them of with sexual innuendos, and have done for years and years. It's a bit hard to explain to someone who does not actually understand our friendship but I can assure you that there is NO actual sexual intent behind the jokes at all. We broke up ages ago and one of the reasons was that we realised we were better suited as friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. My feelings about their lack of suitability are not based on me wanting him back and other friends have commented on it (lack of suitability) as well. I won't go into all the reasons as it will obviously be seen as a jealous attack on the fiancee and is in any case irrelevant, my initial question was just about advice re. attending the wedding.

In answer to one poster, I am not single and have a boyfriend. We have been together a few months.

i would just ask you please to look at this objectively and imagine
- You are life long friends with someone, you exchange a serious of lighthearted e-mails relating to some things that happened years ago, your life-long friend's partner hacks into their e-mail account, finds and misunderstands the email and then bans you from attending what is one of the most important day's of your friends lives. All the friends you grew up with will also be attending this wedding, I will literally be the only one not there from our circle of friends.

If my ex told me that my attending would spoil his day or cause issues of course i would not attend. I have spoken about this with other friends, some of whom say I shouldn't go and a few who suggested that I should not sing and just attend the church service and not the reception. Unfortunately the wedding is a bit of a distance in the New Forest , I live in London and I am supposed to drive my mum and sister who will be going to both reception and ceremony.

Anyway, I take the points raised by everyone that it would be outrageous to attend, would spoil the brides day etc etc and i think I will probably end up not going. I just find it difficult to understand how it has come to this and how/why the fiancee's insecurity should spoil things and I am devastated at missing out on this day. Although some of you apparently find it hard to believe, I am not wicked, trying to ruin her wedding or attempting to sabotage anything. I just wanted to share in happy occasion with my best friend. Thanks for the advice.

Sunshine12

Thanks for responding Eastie. Takes courage to do that with all the replies (which, I have to say, I completely agree with). Realise you may just be friends but bottom line is that no woman (or man) should feel in any way uneasy about their wedding day, so do the right thing, bow out and let them have their special day. Whilst I am sure he would like you to be there, I would imagine when he sees his new bride coming down the aisle, that whether you are there or not will be the last thing on his mind (or at least I would hope so.) Sure you will do the right thing.

gill_81uk

Hi Eastie - I would agree that if the bride feels so strongly about it then you probably shouldn't go. I would have been devastated if my husbands ex, or any of her family, had come to my wedding or evening do.

If you reread your first post you might understand why some posters feel so strongly about it, as in no way do you imply the closeness with the ex that you do in the post above.

For example

s mentioned my ex and I are still in contact with each other, mainly via e-mail and messenger.

has turned into

I just wanted to share in happy occasion with my best friend.

Steel_2

Good decision.

It has come to this because we are all emotional beings and feel threatened when someone who has - excuse the phrase - porked our beloved and is still on the scene. Plus if we find our beloved so sexy we want to pork them, we cannot countenance the idea that no-one else does. And it's not unheard of for exes who haven't been together for some time to end up porking again when drunk/the moon is full/lonely/ after an arguement etc. The threat is still there, but it lurks very much in the background.

There will be plenty of time after they are married for you to re-build your relationship with the bride, which will be important for you to do if you are to remain friends with your ex while he builds a happy marriage, but for now let the dust settle.

You might even find the bride relents closer to the time, but if she does don't sing and keep a low profile.

MrsAnnie

Eastie77 wrote: »

Anyway, I take the points raised by everyone that it would be outrageous to attend, would spoil the brides day etc etc and i think I will probably end up not going. I just find it difficult to understand how it has come to this and how/why the fiancee's insecurity should spoil things and I am devastated at missing out on this day. Although some of you apparently find it hard to believe, I am not wicked, trying to ruin her wedding or attempting to sabotage anything. I just wanted to share in happy occasion with my best friend. Thanks for the advice.

I don't think their day will be spoilt because of bride-to-be insecurities. This is THEIR day. She is allowed to have insecrities - she is human! After all is said and done, SHE is the bride, not you!