Invited to Ex's wedding - Problem with fiancee

emsywoo123

I had a similar situ to the same as the OP: friends, couple, friends again, always some degree of spark there, but best off friends.
Long and short of it, we both got partners, he married his (abroad, long story!!) She saw me as a threat, and didn't want him to see me. They were not happy, (I did not know to the extent) and basically I was a factor in this.
Eventually (about 3 months later) he and I had a heart to heart, very emotional and difficult, acknowleging what we meant to each other, always would, but we must lead seperate lives.
Gutted was not the word, but significantly the right thing to do.
I think you must do this now.

Money_maker

Proc wrote: »

Probably "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. No doubt sang whilst gazing into the grooms eyes. Bride gets upset and storms out, then Eastie is left stood there. She looks at everyone and says "What?".

No, "It should've been me" (Gladys Knight) as per Vicar of Dibley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwmGHzcJsEQ

Brecon_Beacons

There’s only one way to bring this thread to a conclusion – and that is to quote some of the lines from the marriage service. Words which I fervently pray the OP will not be there to hear in person.

I quote them in the faint hope that these beautiful sentiments – which have been the cornerstone of family life for centuries – will cause a twinge of SHAME to piece the armour plating of her enormous conceit and self-regard.

(Although I truly believe she is completely incapable of contrition. Even the length of this thread has served her own purposes – to project the maximum of fuss and attention towards herself, whilst continuing to unsettle and undermine the proposed wedding.)

All emphasis is mine! Read and reflect!


“In the presence of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,
we have come together
to witness the marriage of (bride) and (groom),
to pray for God's blessing on them,
to share their joy
and to celebrate their love.

The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together
in the delight and tenderness of sexual union
and joyful commitment to the end of their lives.
It is given as the foundation of family life
in which children are [born and] nurtured
and in which each member of the family,in good times and in bad,
may find strength, companionship and comfort,
and grow to maturity in love.

Marriage is a sign of unity and loyalty
which all should uphold and honour.
It enriches society and strengthens community.
No one should enter into it lightly or selfishly
but reverently and responsibly in the sight of almighty God.

(Groom), will you take (Bride) to be your wife?
Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her,
and, forsaking all others,
be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?”



:A

Sunshine12

Reckon this thread should be put to bed now. Think the OP has got the hint as to what the masses think is the right thing to do but no more need to keep repeating. Hope you make the right decision eastie and dont worry about the MIL. If she cant deal with it then thats her tough luck.

mountainofdebt

Sunshine12 wrote: »

Hope you make the right decision eastie and dont worry about the MIL. If she cant deal with it then thats her tough luck.

Sorry but you've got it wrong - if the MIL can't deal with the fact that OP isn't there (whether it because she heads the advice of her friends/ advice ben given here or she puts the brides feelings above her own) then in my opinion gawd help the DIL as it will be obvious who the MIL favours.


I also think its very telling that the OP keeps refering to the groom as her ex - even though she has insisted that he is nothing more than a life long friend..........the lady doth protest too much me thinks

sazzybum

The OP says that she 'thinks' the MIL will have a fit if she's not there..how does she know?? The MIL will probably breathe a sigh of relief and say 'Thank Gawd we won't have an atmosphere we can cut with a knife'. There's a lot of 'His family will be mad', 'my family will be mad'..who gives a flying toss? It's not THEIR day, it's the brides and the grooms. If I was that bride and groom, I'd just bog off to Cyprus and get married away from singing exes and the 'clique' Porr sods don't stand a chance with that lot hanging over them. :mad:

morocha

Hi Op, All i want to say is, i have been in a similar position, not totally, almost 4 years ago when i got married, my husband's cousin's wife, was a nightmare... she cried for months because she could not get things her way ( in this case she was in love with my Oh and he never wanted her then she married the cousin) She only gave me problems, i did not want them to come to the wedding, specially her after how she treated me. But they were such a small family.. that at the end i gave up.
I saw her and i felt awful, i did not want her there, but i thought about other families member, in this case she was family. In your case you are not, as much as you want to go, please think of her, you have hurt her, the last person she wants to see in her special day is you, leave matters alone, they must be quite busy sorting out the wedding, they do not need all the extra stress about what to do with you, apologize to her and leave her alone.
if you keep trying to come and making matters known, i can assure you, you wont have a place there nor in their future life together.
It took me 3 years to forget and forgive what this girl done to me, her excessive attitute, her crying, her putting herself first and It was MY wedding....

Scubabe

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I had a similar situ to the same as the OP: friends, couple, friends again, always some degree of spark there, but best off friends.
Long and short of it, we both got partners, he married his (abroad, long story!!) She saw me as a threat, and didn't want him to see me. They were not happy, (I did not know to the extent) and basically I was a factor in this.
Eventually (about 3 months later) he and I had a heart to heart, very emotional and difficult, acknowleging what we meant to each other, always would, but we must lead seperate lives.
Gutted was not the word, but significantly the right thing to do.
I think you must do this now.

Me too - I have been in the exact same situation as you were, and we did the same thing too.

It broke my heart, because he was my best friend, but now we haven't spoken in over 5 years. But he is happy, he and his (now) wife are expecting their first child (so says a mutual friend who lets me know how he is now and again), and I would in no way want to impinge on their happiness - I love him too much (as a FRIEND, not as my ex!!) to want to cause him any distress - and his wife MUST be his priority.

OP, I think you need to do the exact same thing.

Pollycat

Eastie77 wrote: »

Can I start by saying that unless the fiancee has a change of heart I have accepted I am not going to the wedding. I can't really argue with over 100 replies and the opinions of some of my friends. Some of the the responses here have been incredibly harsh and judgemental but I guess that comes with the territory on a public forum and I did ask for opinions. I just hope none of you inadvertently find yourselves in a similar situation.
I'm glad you've finally seen sense about not attending the wedding.

My mum and sis know there is a problem but not the exact nature of it, they basically know that the fiancee is not keen on me but they do not know about the e-mail exchanges and I have not told them yet that she does not want me to attend. I am dreading it. My mum in particular is not going to be happy about this (not to mention her annoyance about arranging to get to the New Forest if I don't go as neither she nor my sister drive.)
I'm not surprised that you're dreading explaining the reason why you're not attending - it reflects badly on you and if it were me (which it would never be because I'd never place myself in that situation), I'd want to curl up and die of embarassment.
I hope you're going to do the decent thing and tell the truth, instead of leaving your family to think badly of the bride-to-be.

@ Steel: Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your comments about the dynamics of friendships and marriages. My ex's mum is unlikely to be happy if his new wife declared a 'her or me' type ultimatum once they are married. Again, a bit tricky to explain all in a forum but I am 32 and have been friends with my ex since I was 5 years old. His mum and my mum have been friends for over 40 years, I basically see her as a second mum so she would not be happy if I was no longer 'allowed' to be friends with her son and she would voice her disapproval.

Re the wedding day itself, she will want to know what is going on as she is expecting me to be there and we have talked about the song I will be singing.
Maybe your faith in the feelings of your ex's mother is misplaced and she will be horrified at what you've done.

Anyway, my ex has said he has talked to the fiancee, she is calmer but still upset. She has told him she is not saying that she expects him to sever all ties with me but she does not want to see me at all on their wedding day. He is really upset at this whole episode, some of you have suggested that he is some kind of disloyal, cheating person who is treating his fiancee badly but that is really not the case. He has just told her that he wants all his friends around him on his wedding day, there will not be a lot of guests at this wedding and he is not from a big family so his friends mean a lot to him.
I think you're pretty damn lucky that your ex's wife-to-be is being so reasonable regarding the future.

I will ask my ex if his fiancee is planning to tell his mum that I am banned (I doubt it). If not, then I suppose I will have to tell her that I am not coming but I cannot think of a single plausible reason I can possibly come up with, assuming the fiancee does not tell her the reason behind it. I realise 99% of you think this is my own fault but this really is a horrible situation for me now. If she kicks up a fuss and confronts the fiancee (likely) I will be further condemned as a troublemaker in the fiancees eyes. My ex's mother is the type of person who will say that we all need to sit down and talk about it which I don't want as I agree it is time for me to step away from any contact with the fiancee now.
You can't think of any plausible reason to tell your ex's Mum why you're not going to the wedding?
How about the truth?
Even though it reflects badly on you (and your ex), it's the least you can do.
A 'horrible situation' for YOU!
Have you no thought for how horrible you've made things for the bride-to-be?

How long did your relationship with this guy last anyway?

loftus

Glen0000 wrote: »

I agree. Take it from a bloke, men only have female friends they want to sh*g.

Take it from a bloke - that is complete and utter garbage.