Need some urgent advice

cazziebo

Bargainhunter, I really do feel for you in this awful situation. I also think you have been incredibly brave and honest in your posts. You are obviously a very strong woman.

Like many other posters on this thread, I have very strong views on fidelity and marriage. However, as you have said, it's not for us to judge you.

I would only say that you deserve better than this. Hard as it may be to hear, there is still a strong bond between this man and his wife. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but this bond will always be there-getting between you and him. If there's any chance this marriage should work then it should be given a chance. He's broken his commitment to you in so many ways; the texting, putting himself in the position of getting drunk together, and ending up in bed.

I also feel a lot of sympathy for the wife. She sounds a decent woman. She seems to have tried hard to include you in the children's lives (believe me, it's not easy allowing another woman in). I wouldn't read too much into the daughters' comments - the adults are confused so it's easy to see why the kids are confused.

Sorry - think I've become judgemental when I tried not to be. Talk to your boyfriend - make the right decision. You have to live with it.

x

littlemissmoney

If you stay with him, what's going to happen next xmas when he says he wants to invite his children and ex-wife over to stay at him?!

Run for the hills!!

Mely

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

Please don't judge me until you have been in the situation yourself. I never set out to 'snare' a married man. You can't help who you fall in love with. Yes, in the beginning I suppose I was the 'other woman' but when he moved out we were and are in a 'proper' relationship

Op, i am not judging you personally. I am commenting on the situation that you have described. Imho, once you knew that you where starting to get feelings for him you should have walked away then, and not let your feelings grow into love. Especially as he was still with his wife. He had an affair with you, and both you and he are wrong to have done that,but that cant be changed, and now you are both reaping the consequences of your actions! Everyone has been hurt. Let him try and work on his marriage.

farmerboy

!!!!!! some of you must lead very perfect lives judging by your comments on here.

OP, this is advice coming from a male who has had a slightly similar situation, i.e my ex partner and I split up when she was 5mths pregnant and I met my wife 2 months later, that was 14 yrs ago. I had alot of problems with my wife thinking that I would go back to my ex, we talked them through and they are now good friends to the point that we have all been on holiday together several times.

Talk to him about it, ask him his honest feelings for both you and his ex, and take it from there, maybe a bit of breathing space will do the trick, only you can decide on this. If, as in your first post, they really want an amicable divorce for the sake of the children they will have to comunicate.

Finally ignore some of these hollier than thou on here, I think if we knew their true lives they'd have more skeletons than an haunted house:rotfl:

aliasojo

farmerboy wrote: »

OP, this is advice coming from a male who has had a slightly similar situation, i.e my ex partner and I split up when she was 5mths pregnant and I met my wife 2 months later, that was 14 yrs ago.

Finally ignore some of these hollier than thou on here, I think if we knew their true lives they'd have more skeletons than an haunted house:rotfl:

The difference with you is in bold. :rolleyes:

Holier than thou? Or just decent?

Mely

farmerboy wrote: »

!!!!!! some of you must lead very perfect lives judging by your comments on here.

OP, this is advice coming from a male who has had a slightly similar situation, i.e my ex partner and I split up when she was 5mths pregnant and I met my wife 2 months later, that was 14 yrs ago. I had alot of problems with my wife thinking that I would go back to my ex, we talked them through and they are now good friends to the point that we have all been on holiday together several times.

Talk to him about it, ask him his honest feelings for both you and his ex, and take it from there, maybe a bit of breathing space will do the trick, only you can decide on this. If, as in your first post, they really want an amicable divorce for the sake of the children they will have to comunicate.

Finally ignore some of these hollier than thou on here, I think if we knew their true lives they'd have more skeletons than an haunted house:rotfl:

Ohhhh... there are so many skeletons in my cupboard that i can hardly shut the door!;):rotfl:
But i am happily married because we both work at it, and i would never go with a married man (nore anyone else for that reason)!:p

farmerboy

You are both proably correct, but we're only getting 1 side of a 3 way problem here. Does the ex want him back and what does he want?

Mely

aliasojo wrote: »

The difference with you is in bold. :rolleyes:

Holier than thou? Or just decent?

Yes exactly! :T

Mely

farmerboy wrote: »

You are both proably correct, but we're only getting 1 side of a 3 way problem here. Does the ex want him back and what does he want?

Things where thrown up in the air with his troubled marriage when he started an affair with the op. He should have tried to make his marriage work, and then if he knew it DEFINATELY wasnt working, he should have moved on with his life then, and not before he was sure. Things happened too quickly, and i now think that he doesnt know what he wants!

paddy's_mum

I could almost feel sorry for this chap who is being treated like a pass-the-parcel bundle except that two women and two young children have been grievously hurt by his stupidity.

Bargainhunter - you said in the opening post that you felt powerless. Sadly, someone else IS "deciding [your] future" and you are quite correct that you "cannot do anything about it". That's not a happy place to be which is why so many responders have advised you to step back and do all in your power to avoid more hurt and damage.

The only other alternative is to wait and hope - soul destroying, wouldn't you agree?