Need some urgent advice

LegalBlonde

Bargain so sorry to hear you are still undecided. It must be horrible for you. Only you can really know whether or not you can move on and forgive him for what he has done. If you look at Woof's post it is all about her suspicions with another woman, he has told her she is the one for him, but she is hesitant to believe because he lied to her before about other stuff.

Bearing in mind this is the mother of his children, can you move on from it and not let it affect your relationship?

You have been together 14 months, I think you live together, I see lots in your sig about MFW - if it is your house I would ask him to go away for a bit so you can sort your head out. You will have your kids around you to keep you strong and a few weeks to get your head round things. I think he will understand as he is probably living in a world of guilt at the minute, which he will have to learn to live with too if you are going to move on.

BARGAINHUNTER!

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LegalBlonde

Oh I see. I know it will be just as difficult to be apart even if you don't live together, but obviously practically it will be easier to implement if you know what I mean.

If it was me, and that is the only advice I can give, I would suggest a break for at least a week. I know it will be tough but you are obviously undecided and need to work out what you want and as I said he needs to sort his head out. I am sure he is feeling bad about it.

Is everything normal now and you are just not mentioning it - if so you need to let him know ASAP it is still affecting you.

Good Luck x

BARGAINHUNTER!

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LegalBlonde

Thanks for replying. I do hold back a bit some times on these threads as I think my gut reaction is always "TALK to him, who cares if he thinks you are causing an argument etc you have to be true to yourself!"

But I can see it from your POV what you mean about him running back into her arms. BUT it is not practical to spend the rest of your life not rocking the boat incase it sends him back into her arms - it will start to infect and affect every aspect of your life.

I have been with my OH 6 years and we have had our problems like every relationship. From the little things to the big things I just say what I think and don't hold back. We are equal adults and he takes me as he finds me. If this ever leads to him not doing so then things are taking their natural course. I am 100% natural around him and would not even think of "i don't want to cause an argument."

But then I have never been in your position and obviously everyone is different. However the thing in common on all these threads seems to be communication. There is never an OP saying I said A B C to my OH and he said X Y Z, what do you think of his responses, it is always I have this dilemma, I can't talk to him, how do I cope.

You need to take this week think about it - whether you do it officially by telling him it is a break or not. x

feelinggood_2

Having been in a similar situation, I'd advise you ask him what to do. Personally, I was so relieved and glad that the other party backed off and gave us space to rebuild our marriage. It doesn't have to be an arguement, just tell him you know he is conflicted, and you love him and if he thinks he should try again you'll respect that. I'd say that if he is still having doubts he thinks he might be able to rebuild the relationship. People can and do change and while it will hurt you immesureably, I think the right thing to do is to give him the space to decide and the freedom to go back.

daska

can I put a slightly different spin on this?

from what the OP has written it sounds as if the original relationship never truly ended; yes, it wasn't working well, but he was still there and she was 'the final straw' which made the wife feel there wasn't any point trying to work on it at that point.

However, they've now had 14 months apart to work out what did work in their relationship and absence does make the heart grow fonder; the anger and bitterness between them has subsided etc

OP - are you sure that you weren't just the fill in while he got his head together about what he wanted with his wife?

aliasojo

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

I guess im scared of confronting him as I don't want to cause an argument which will drive him further into his wifes arms. By me keeping quiet and carrying on as normal im not giving him an excuse to chose her over me. My head is such a mess at the moment

That's it in a nutshell.

I do actually feel for you, I've been in a relationship where I've not wanted to rock the boat. It's not healthy though and isn't a good way to run a relationship. Relationships like that will suffer at some point. Best to sort this out now.

You don't need to blow this up into some 'me or her' ultimatum, that's just silly and will get you nowhere. I think you do need to chat about things though and both of you need honest cards on the table.

Dee123_2

BARGAINHUNTER! wrote: »

as i can get my head sorted as to what on earth I am going to do - fight for him or walk away but i really don't know how im going to do either.

I'd take another look at what you wrote here. He's YOUR partner now in which case he's just cheated on you and it's HIM that should be fighting to win YOU back. Unless, of course, you are talking about fighting his wife (she's not an ex till the divorce) in which case you been in this relationship for over a year with no more security than when you started (moral judgements aside).

In either scenario, you should be really, really angry. Why aren't you?

Mely

Dippychick wrote: »

He wasn't yours in the first place, so in my opinion you are reaping what you have sown.

I hate to say it, but for your own sake and his (and all children involved) - do the decent thing and step back.

They could go on to resolve their marriage and really get along after this and I think they should be given the chance.

I completely agree with the above post. Op imho its time to leave the whole situation. He was married when you met him and is still married now, they need the time to see if they can get their marriage to work.Perhaps this situation has been a wake up call to him and his wife?